What I Did To Fill In the Blanks
In a previous post I wrote how there was no love between
31 and I. And there wasn't. In public
31 was the best. He held my hand, he rubbed my back, he grabbed my ass, he kissed me... But in the house, there was nothing. Nothing! He never touched me. At first I thought it was us trying to get use to each other but in the long run it turned out that he claimed that he didn't know how to do any of that. So this all left me hollow. I was so hollow that at night, when he was in the bed with me I would curl up with a pillow on the other side of the bed. I would curl up with the dog. I would give out my number and emotionally cheat with someone, anyone! I wanted feelings, I wanted tenderness, I wanted...I wanted love.
I have been so afraid to say that I wanted to fall in love in so long. Before I met
31 I was lost. I had just left my ex in "our" apartment and came back home because I couldn't deal. I felt like I was changing. In the end I was lonely in my own home. I came home to my mom's house and the depression sunk in so bad that I was drunk, high, fucking, or doing something bad every night. Then I met
31. The morals that he had, his mentality, his academics, it all blew me away...It blew me out of my state of darkness and I fell. I fell for a facade that only happened on the outside. During all of this I knew I was hollow and I knew that I needed more from him when a woman started hitting on me.
I've never considered this before in my life but she was selling me a dream. A dream of comfort. The thing that us women do, have two men at one time. One to, as in the words of La, Tupac your ass, and one tender one to take care of your emotional side. The questions started, could I really keep a woman on the side? Do I even want a woman? Am I curious? My friends said if I kept talking about it then I must be. And to be honest I was. So I tried it. Once. And it wasn't my shit! Although there was that comfort and tenderness, really in the end when we cuddled I wanted a stiff one in my ass crack!
So ...
31 and I are over. The chick is gone... I started to go back to that same place that was I at without even telling anyone and then the Haitian came along. I'm confused, I'm not sure what's going on. He's definitely not Tupac-ing me...he really is giving me the whole baby making scene, I mean he Tupac-ed me once...and damn was that good. But ... what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation. People have told me that it will come when it's supposed to so.... so.... why do I feel this way?
Labels: 30, 31 now, the Haitian
It's Official B and Jay are done...well...actually
That's right, it's over between 31 and I. Over the past couple of weeks, a total of 5 weeks there have been problems between 31 and I. Really we haven't been seeing each other. We haven't seen each other in 5 weeks until this past weekend. His excuses were that he was in a wedding [that was in town by the way], he was busy with family stuff [he has no kids and has never been married], and he just got caught up busy chilling with his friends. I took it as that he got comfortable with me and I was now the JO -side bar- stands for Jump Off means booty call - and he no longer wanted to see me in the daylight hours. So I figured that I would just end it. Really ever since he told me that he loved me it has just changed where he isn't seeing me until like 1, 2, or 3am in the morning. So I deaded - side bar - means ended - it a week ago and I was miserable!
Truly I was! I missed him so much. So I made up with him, we fucked on Thursday night [night before the 4th of July] and truly I haven't spoken to him until today when he told me that he quit his job and is just chilling now. Here's the thing. I wanted him back so bad. So bad! That I let my integrity go to get him back and once I had him I didn't want him anymore! I am that type of girl, I only want you when I know I can't have you. Once I know that I can have you and you aren't worth as much as I think you are then I'm done. Truly I just thought I was loosing a big prize and in the end I was only giving up a dud! Damn this shit has been so difficult since I left my ex. I truly do long for some type of relationship but at the same time I enjoy my freedom being able to go and please as I want. The unfortunate problem is that the nights get so lonely. Plus I'm always in the club not by choice but profession, I throw events I have a marketing firm as well as my regular 9-5. And it just doesn't help or work. I'm in an industry that is so shallow and I just really want someone to be there for me but you never know when someone is truly there for you or your money or event. I can't take it anymore. How do you weed out who is truly there for you? I am now that lonely chick, the facade is eating me alive! Just one date, one hug, one real kiss, one anything to at least make me feel like I am wanted again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labels: 31 now, life, love, me, men, relationships
Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself
I've seen a lot of blogs where people sit and talk about themselves...I've never really found myself so interesting to talk about myself like that. At the same, I've noticed that I may be perceived from my lifestyle as someone totally different than I actually am...so with that here are some random facts/thoughts from myself:
I can't see myself living pass the age of 35
Not that I want to die but it's not something I can envision
I'm only 5'
When I was in 9th grade I wore a size ten shoe now I wear a size 6 1/2, my mom thinks I wore big shoes to fit in
When I first got to college my major was journalism, but I'm lazy so I changed my major
I love the snow but hate the winter
I'm suppose to wear glasses but I don't wear them that often so most people think I'm scowling at them but really I'm squinting because I can't see
I wanted to go to a HBCU but my mom said no...damn
I went to an all African-American Catholic Elementary School but it was all African-American because it was in the hood
I'm facinated with jails and the pathology of those who are incarcerated
My parents look like they could be brother and sister, I would believe they were if it weren't for the fact that they are from two different countries
I am trilingual
My father is an illegal alien
I'm still afraid of the dark therefore I sleep with the tv on
I can't sleep if the closet door is open...honestly I still believe the boogyman lives in there!
I am afraid of divorce therefore I am afraid of marriage thus I am afraid of commitment. (Do you follow?)
I have over 20 bestfriends...I have to explain that in person
I don't like to kiss but I want
31 to kiss me so bad I mean really passionately kiss me but he doesn't kiss either
I snore
Whenever I get sick I don't go to the doctor but if I'm healthy I will go to the doctor
I like all types of music except country music...no I like country music I hate bluegrass music
My parents were married for 15 years before they even thought of having kids together but for some reason I have three brothers and two sisters who are all older than me
My grandmother is my #1 bestfriend
And I am way more quiet and humble than the partying and working seems to show!!!!
Labels: 31 now, me
Don't Get Caught Up In Their Shit
That's right,
31 said that to me. When
31 had his birthday cook out at his mother's house, three of his cousins came, three woman. I know some of his other cousins but not these three woman. I know his other cousins because I throw parties. They come to my parties and so does
31 so I met them.
Well, as I'm
frying chicken in his momma's house, his three mean cousins come in. They hug each other and immediately begin to talk about the other cousins. The actual cousins who were nice to me. They were all like who are you but luckily
31 came in and introduced me. By the way he is still introducing me as his 'friend'. They looked me up and down and continued talking. I didn't involve myself in any of their conversations. A couple of times they asked if I needed anything which I made sure I talked back but other than that I was good. I was polite and said hello and goodbye but I have family members like that myself so I already knew.
That night after we dropped off his Goddaughter we were in the bed talking. He said oh the meanies like you. I thought oh really? He said yeah, they thought you were so polite and nice. The next day I went back over there and they actually held real conversations with me and didn't just talk about me. But things changed later that night when they checked myspace because the cousin they were talking about had already put up the pictures from the party already. That's when they saw the parties I saw and started to call me by nickname and not Cherry's Kid. Tension just felt tight and I was like okay never mind. I thought they were getting cool but it was like, no no no. Oh by the way, they tell me, we like you.
31 has brought girls back that have been like what? But you you're nice and we like. Trust us if we didn't then we would tell you.
Later that night,
31 I were talking and he said. Don't get caught up in their shit. Don't tell anyone the secrets they tell you cause that's what they want. At the end of the day just cause they sit up in the kitchen and talk about people doesn't mean that they won't still fight you cause you opened your mother. I love my cousins but don't get caught up in their shit. I'm not even worried about the statement. I'm more concerned about the meaning behind the statement. What do you mean don't get caught up in their shit. Am I going to see them more often to where I could? Am I going to be around longer? Wow...shocked the hell out me...well, I'm working on my graduation present...hopefully he will have something nice for me!!!!
Labels: 31 now, graduation, his family, relationships
Frying Chicken in His Momma's House
"This friends shit is killing me!" "What do you mean?" "We're not friends cause clearly I'm doing things with you that I only do with someone who is my man." "I think we're more than friends, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "But if I was fucking someone else you would be mad." "I can't say anything." "But you weren't mad when you thought I fucked Shatim?" "LOL"
Okay...let me start from the beginning....
Saturday was
30 is now 31 Birthday Party. He had a cook out at his mother's house. He asked me to come there early. I get there early and ain't shit done. The dishes aren't washed, the kitchen floor isn't swept, the chicken isn't fried...it's like what the hell. So his mother asks me to help
30 is now 31 or should I say
31, his sisters, and her with the dishes while they continue to finish fixing the food and the backyard. Once I finished the dishes, I swept the floor, then his sister said she didn't know how to fry chicken so I started on that as well. It was crazy. In the middle of me frying chicken all his family started showing up.
He's introducing me as his friend but he's coming in checking on me, hugging me, kissing me, and all of this while I'm frying chicken in his MOMMA'S HOUSE! I didn't mind actually it was very funny. His one set of cousins were there talking about the other cousins. There was a pinata for the kids and someone got popped in the head with a stick. And at the end of the night people started stealing beers, pieces of cake, and slabs of ribs...yeah I said 2 slabs of ribs were missing at the end of the day.
Then the funniest started...
31 definitely agreed for him and I to babysit his goddaughter that night. I was like what the hell!!! His cousins and Jersey friends were trying to holla...super funny. One guy was outside talking to me next thing you know
31's sister and I was talking and he gives me the side eye like come over here. I'm like what? He's really giving me the over here nod. I said no thank you. One of his cousin's was asking the 20 questions. Are you and
31 married? Is that your kid? Is that your man? Oh well can I say hi? NO...NO you can't!!! Luckily
31 saw it all and handled it all by telling all the guys to back off...very funny!!!!
The next day, I returned for the after party dinner. Which was fun as hell. His mean cousins who were talking about every one were back and they actually liked me...very funny...His momma and sisters are great...love them!!!! The grandparents were great...his dad is super funny, he tried to give me a political question to make sure I wasn't stupid...so I pulled out my 95k education on him...And the next day was even better because we were all playing cards.
With all of that said, the above conversation is what we had afterwards because clearly it was time for the talk. Well, clearly the talk didn't go well or at least how I thought it would. Not that I want to be his girlfriend but damn...stop treating me that way if you're not ready...but in reality am I ready? And aren't we already in a relationship because of the way he treats me? I mean seriously, I met the grandparents on both sides. What am I doing with myself? I just got out of an abusive relationship and here I rushing into something else? I don't know...But look at me frying chicken in his momma's house!
Labels: 30, 31 now, chicken, his family
