What I Did To Fill In the Blanks
In a previous post I wrote how there was no love between 31 and I. And there wasn't. In public 31 was the best. He held my hand, he rubbed my back, he grabbed my ass, he kissed me... But in the house, there was nothing. Nothing! He never touched me. At first I thought it was us trying to get use to each other but in the long run it turned out that he claimed that he didn't know how to do any of that. So this all left me hollow. I was so hollow that at night, when he was in the bed with me I would curl up with a pillow on the other side of the bed. I would curl up with the dog. I would give out my number and emotionally cheat with someone, anyone! I wanted feelings, I wanted tenderness, I wanted...I wanted love.I have been so afraid to say that I wanted to fall in love in so long. Before I met 31 I was lost. I had just left my ex in "our" apartment and came back home because I couldn't deal. I felt like I was changing. In the end I was lonely in my own home. I came home to my mom's house and the depression sunk in so bad that I was drunk, high, fucking, or doing something bad every night. Then I met 31. The morals that he had, his mentality, his academics, it all blew me away...It blew me out of my state of darkness and I fell. I fell for a facade that only happened on the outside. During all of this I knew I was hollow and I knew that I needed more from him when a woman started hitting on me.
I've never considered this before in my life but she was selling me a dream. A dream of comfort. The thing that us women do, have two men at one time. One to, as in the words of La, Tupac your ass, and one tender one to take care of your emotional side. The questions started, could I really keep a woman on the side? Do I even want a woman? Am I curious? My friends said if I kept talking about it then I must be. And to be honest I was. So I tried it. Once. And it wasn't my shit! Although there was that comfort and tenderness, really in the end when we cuddled I wanted a stiff one in my ass crack!
So ... 31 and I are over. The chick is gone... I started to go back to that same place that was I at without even telling anyone and then the Haitian came along. I'm confused, I'm not sure what's going on. He's definitely not Tupac-ing me...he really is giving me the whole baby making scene, I mean he Tupac-ed me once...and damn was that good. But ... what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation. People have told me that it will come when it's supposed to so.... so.... why do I feel this way?
Labels: 30, 31 now, the Haitian
posted by cherry's kid @ 9:18 AM
2 Comments:
"what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation."
I used to think about this a lot too...and from time to time I still do. Especially because I'm older than you and STILL not married and NO KIDS.
I look at my friends and realize one main thing though...most of them are married and/or have kids and they are miserable. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You can't determine how your personal life should be...based solely on what your friends have.
It just seems to me like you should think about taking a break from quasi-relationships and relationship-like activitity. Figure out what you really want, so you go after that...instead of rushing into something with people who can't possibly give you the type of relationship you want.
enjoyed the read. a part of me wonders but at the same time knows why you let this thing with 31 persist if there was no love there. when did tupac become the posthumous symbol for ickin' someone down?
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