Diary of a Confused Black Woman

17 Days & Counting

17 days and counting to my vacation and I can not wait...I can't wait for numerous reasons. So I left the barber alone and kept it moving...I stopped calling him for the past coouple of days and then all of a sudden he wanted to see me...I went to see him...he was high and drunk...I was sober...we sat in the shop while he ate the food he asked me to pick up...The Gators won 51-21 I should have bet more money on the game...

We went to the house and well we went to sleep...in the middle of the night I swallowed and then went back to sleep...in the morning, I wanted to have sex but only if he was throwing his face in it...he said no, but the past 2 weeks I've swallowed damn near every night without sex because I missed my period so we were afraid to have sex until I had a pregnancy test...it was negative a week ago...my body just skipped the menstraul cycle...

Back to the morning...so because he said no I rolled back over and went to sleep...then he started poking me as if it would wake me up...I was already awake I just chose to ignore him and he kept at it for approximately 1 hour then he rolled me over and started kneeing me in my collar bone...we tussled back and forth for 30 minutes and then he did what I wanted him to do and it was great!!! I missed him...He said I've been distant lately, I'm distant because you've got this going on so...I'm distant...

I went home afterwards...finally saw American Gangster and went to the club...had a great time and my ex showed up...we talked in the VIP for a while and he gave me $100 saying didn't he miss my birthday and valentines day...I said sure even though I didn't care but my bank account was about to bounce so I took it...

The Haitian was there but he had his out of town chick the girl from Canada there...I never blogged about her but while The Haitian and I were dealing with each other he had a Canadian chick come in from out of town and in front of me kissing and stuff...But in the end of the day...I made my drunken phone call to the barber he didn't answer...I called back a couple of times still no answer and then he turned his phone off!!!! Wow...today I slept all day and texted back and forth with the 20 year old!!! Oh I met a 22 year old last night his phone was dead but aparently he has my number so he can call if he wants...but he smokes cigarettes...

Long story short...17 days till I'm in Sunny Sunny Hot Hot Mexico for 5 days...Thank you Lord for the vacation you are about to provide for me!!!

Labels: a long time coming, barber, sex, the Haitian, vacation

posted by cherry's kid @ 7:35 PM 4 Comments

What I Did To Fill In the Blanks

In a previous post I wrote how there was no love between 31 and I. And there wasn't. In public 31 was the best. He held my hand, he rubbed my back, he grabbed my ass, he kissed me... But in the house, there was nothing. Nothing! He never touched me. At first I thought it was us trying to get use to each other but in the long run it turned out that he claimed that he didn't know how to do any of that. So this all left me hollow. I was so hollow that at night, when he was in the bed with me I would curl up with a pillow on the other side of the bed. I would curl up with the dog. I would give out my number and emotionally cheat with someone, anyone! I wanted feelings, I wanted tenderness, I wanted...I wanted love.

I have been so afraid to say that I wanted to fall in love in so long. Before I met 31 I was lost. I had just left my ex in "our" apartment and came back home because I couldn't deal. I felt like I was changing. In the end I was lonely in my own home. I came home to my mom's house and the depression sunk in so bad that I was drunk, high, fucking, or doing something bad every night. Then I met 31. The morals that he had, his mentality, his academics, it all blew me away...It blew me out of my state of darkness and I fell. I fell for a facade that only happened on the outside. During all of this I knew I was hollow and I knew that I needed more from him when a woman started hitting on me.

I've never considered this before in my life but she was selling me a dream. A dream of comfort. The thing that us women do, have two men at one time. One to, as in the words of La, Tupac your ass, and one tender one to take care of your emotional side. The questions started, could I really keep a woman on the side? Do I even want a woman? Am I curious? My friends said if I kept talking about it then I must be. And to be honest I was. So I tried it. Once. And it wasn't my shit! Although there was that comfort and tenderness, really in the end when we cuddled I wanted a stiff one in my ass crack!

So ... 31 and I are over. The chick is gone... I started to go back to that same place that was I at without even telling anyone and then the Haitian came along. I'm confused, I'm not sure what's going on. He's definitely not Tupac-ing me...he really is giving me the whole baby making scene, I mean he Tupac-ed me once...and damn was that good. But ... what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation. People have told me that it will come when it's supposed to so.... so.... why do I feel this way?

Labels: 30, 31 now, the Haitian

posted by cherry's kid @ 9:18 AM 2 Comments