What I Did To Fill In the Blanks
In a previous post I wrote how there was no love between
31 and I. And there wasn't. In public
31 was the best. He held my hand, he rubbed my back, he grabbed my ass, he kissed me... But in the house, there was nothing. Nothing! He never touched me. At first I thought it was us trying to get use to each other but in the long run it turned out that he claimed that he didn't know how to do any of that. So this all left me hollow. I was so hollow that at night, when he was in the bed with me I would curl up with a pillow on the other side of the bed. I would curl up with the dog. I would give out my number and emotionally cheat with someone, anyone! I wanted feelings, I wanted tenderness, I wanted...I wanted love.
I have been so afraid to say that I wanted to fall in love in so long. Before I met
31 I was lost. I had just left my ex in "our" apartment and came back home because I couldn't deal. I felt like I was changing. In the end I was lonely in my own home. I came home to my mom's house and the depression sunk in so bad that I was drunk, high, fucking, or doing something bad every night. Then I met
31. The morals that he had, his mentality, his academics, it all blew me away...It blew me out of my state of darkness and I fell. I fell for a facade that only happened on the outside. During all of this I knew I was hollow and I knew that I needed more from him when a woman started hitting on me.
I've never considered this before in my life but she was selling me a dream. A dream of comfort. The thing that us women do, have two men at one time. One to, as in the words of La, Tupac your ass, and one tender one to take care of your emotional side. The questions started, could I really keep a woman on the side? Do I even want a woman? Am I curious? My friends said if I kept talking about it then I must be. And to be honest I was. So I tried it. Once. And it wasn't my shit! Although there was that comfort and tenderness, really in the end when we cuddled I wanted a stiff one in my ass crack!
So ...
31 and I are over. The chick is gone... I started to go back to that same place that was I at without even telling anyone and then the Haitian came along. I'm confused, I'm not sure what's going on. He's definitely not Tupac-ing me...he really is giving me the whole baby making scene, I mean he Tupac-ed me once...and damn was that good. But ... what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation. People have told me that it will come when it's supposed to so.... so.... why do I feel this way?
Labels: 30, 31 now, the Haitian
Just So Busy....
I have been so busy lately! I'm going to LA on Tuesday but for now I'm trying to make sure all of my cases are up to date in the system before vacation. I'm trying to make sure the parties pop off still while I'm gone. I'm trying to wash clothes so I can have something to wear for 7 days in LA. I'm trying to confirm my reservations. I'm trying to get a babysitter for the dog. I'm trying to get my professional license application now that I passed the state board examination. I'm trying to finish my other job [personal assistant to a manager of producers and djs].... Damn in all of that I'm still trying to get some sleep, eat healthy, and to be honest bust a nut! LMAO!!!!! CAN ANYONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN WILL I HAVE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll post something more substantial later when I catch up!
Labels: late, no time, struggling, trying
It's Official B and Jay are done...well...actually
That's right, it's over between 31 and I. Over the past couple of weeks, a total of 5 weeks there have been problems between 31 and I. Really we haven't been seeing each other. We haven't seen each other in 5 weeks until this past weekend. His excuses were that he was in a wedding [that was in town by the way], he was busy with family stuff [he has no kids and has never been married], and he just got caught up busy chilling with his friends. I took it as that he got comfortable with me and I was now the JO -side bar- stands for Jump Off means booty call - and he no longer wanted to see me in the daylight hours. So I figured that I would just end it. Really ever since he told me that he loved me it has just changed where he isn't seeing me until like 1, 2, or 3am in the morning. So I deaded - side bar - means ended - it a week ago and I was miserable!
Truly I was! I missed him so much. So I made up with him, we fucked on Thursday night [night before the 4th of July] and truly I haven't spoken to him until today when he told me that he quit his job and is just chilling now. Here's the thing. I wanted him back so bad. So bad! That I let my integrity go to get him back and once I had him I didn't want him anymore! I am that type of girl, I only want you when I know I can't have you. Once I know that I can have you and you aren't worth as much as I think you are then I'm done. Truly I just thought I was loosing a big prize and in the end I was only giving up a dud! Damn this shit has been so difficult since I left my ex. I truly do long for some type of relationship but at the same time I enjoy my freedom being able to go and please as I want. The unfortunate problem is that the nights get so lonely. Plus I'm always in the club not by choice but profession, I throw events I have a marketing firm as well as my regular 9-5. And it just doesn't help or work. I'm in an industry that is so shallow and I just really want someone to be there for me but you never know when someone is truly there for you or your money or event. I can't take it anymore. How do you weed out who is truly there for you? I am now that lonely chick, the facade is eating me alive! Just one date, one hug, one real kiss, one anything to at least make me feel like I am wanted again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labels: 31 now, life, love, me, men, relationships
