I'm Tripping Seriously!!!! But I Really Want an Apology
I had a long week this week. A very long week. First off I started my final semester of Grad School. I went back to work after a 3 week vacation. And I was hanging out with a certain someone that I have not spoken about on here and I refuse to at this time (PERIOD). But in short...I had a long week.
I get off at 5pm. At 5:30pm I was still at my desk trying to make sure I had a headstart for Monday Morning. At 6pm my other coworkers, doing the same thing, were like ok let's go. We all pack up and head to the door. One went to use the bathroom, the other was still gathering his things. As I waited by the elevator my phone gets a text message. It reads, "What's up." The number was not recognized by any of the numbers in the phone book. By the way I've had the same number since sophmore year of college. So i replied to the text, thinking it was the cop I was flirting with earlier so I wouldn't get a ticket who stated that he didn't want my job number and was going to find me to talk to me again, "who's this?" The response came back "Ant". I said out loud Oh Wow!
Let me give you some background history. Ant and I dated for a year when I first came back from college in 2004. It was great but the problem was we were dating and I wanted to be his girlfriend. His problem was financially he wasn't where he wanted to be and didn't want to be in a relationship until he had something established. My response to that attitude was posted in my earlier posts but I can't seem to find it now... Women will always be there to build with a man while a man just wants stuff built first then the woman can come along... Any way... long story short why are you popping out of the wood works now some um 3 years later.
So he proceeds to ask me questions about my family, my life, etc. Then he says, I've been sending you all these emails and I felt like I had to just hit you up. Last month I saw that he forwarded me something but I just ignored it. I didn't think anything of it but, 'oh how is he doing.' I ignored the emails because they were forwards so I thought he was forwarding his entire address book, I didn't know it was intentional. Then I responded as if I hadn't seen the emails, what emails. He said never mind then proceeded to want to know if I had a myspace. Long story short we exchanged myspace and then I see his profile. It says, In a Relationship.
This is where I get confused. Why after all of these years. After I was willing to stick it out with you but you were pushing me to the left, you are popping up to say what? Hello? I don't need hello? I don't want hello? I actually want an apology....no ... Yeah I want an apology. Shit I had a complex for a minute afterwards. So my question is am I supposed to care that you are doing well? Am I supposed to care? Why do you want to be my friend? You didn't talk to me for 3 years what do you want now? I don't know maybe I'm reading too much into this. Di had a post about reading too much into peoples' actions. And Walt wrote an article about miscommunication. Now that I think about it, I'm miscommunicating. I'm hurt. I was always hurt. I would have preferred if he never contacted me. I got over him or atleast I thought I did but now that he's contacted me I feel some sort of way about the whole situation all over again.
You Have Potential...Hell So Do I
I said that very statement the other day to someone.... you have potential. My friend MA, she knows who she is, wrote something to me the other day. She said that we as black women have to have faith that the one we want will come along and that at the end of 60 years we should be able to sit back and say did he make me happy. I pose this theory to MA and you my blogger friends.
Now don't get me wrong...I didn't develop this theory over night. This is something I have been working on since the break up. Here it is: Oh And Don't Judge Me!!!
My Theory:
Black Women get into relationships with Men [race doesn't matter]
for the potential they have to make her happy. Yes that is my theory!
So how did I get here and why. No problem, I'll explain it. I had internship yesterday and I sat back and listened to the other interns and the supervisor and we just talked. Four black women at different stages in their lives talked. Our supervisor, 58 but so truthfully and will check you when you aren't true to yourself. Intern T, 28 married expecting child. Intern S, 27 single raising a family member on her own. And myself 25, single with a dog, living at home.
Every single one of them except for our supervisor said that the current relationship they were in with guy, when they first met him they only saw potential but since he has been using that kinetic energy [that potential] and actually doing something then they fell in love with that man. That's Bullshit my supervisor said, "
black women need to get this fair tale, Cinderella sweep me off my feet dream out of their heads". When she said that it rang so true for me.
We get into relationships with people for the potential they have. We see they are turning their lives around. We see that they are attempting to attend school. We see they they are trying to do something. But the thing is, potential doesn't get you anywhere. So what if a guy has potential? That doesn't mean he is going to realize his potential nor does it mean that he will even want to achieve his potential! See we get into relationships thinking the goals someone has will always be achieved and we will live happily ever after. SIKE! Potential is just want it is defined as:
po·ten·tial Pronunciation Key - [puh-ten-shuhl]
1. possible, as opposed to actual.
2. capable of being or becoming.
3. Grammar. expressing possibility: the potential subjunctive in Latin. 4. Archaic. potent1. –noun
5. possibility; potentiality: an investment that has little growth potential.
6. a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.
7. Grammar.
a. a potential aspect, mood, construction, case, etc.
b. a form in the potential.
8. Electricity. electric potential (def. 1).
9. Mathematics, Physics. 10. someone or something that is considered a worthwhile possibility.In that definition do you see anything about how potential is actualized? NO.... I'll say it again....NO YOU DON'T!!!!! So I say to you, potential is just that, potential for something to happen. Potential for someone to make you happen, potential for something great! But also potential for something not to work out at all! Men with potential are great but men who have actualized their potential is what I want!!!
potential. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved January 20, 2008, from Dictionary.com website:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/potentialLabels: Cinderella, confusion, kinetic energy, lust
A Second Chance? IDK
I know ... just by looking at the labels below you think that I've met
someone convict incarcerated as a pen pal and now we're getting married although he is serving life... WRONG but close...
Do our black men serve a life sentenced although they have completed their sentences and "turned their lives around" by becoming contributing citizens to society?
Let me explain further, do we
relegate our black men to meaningless and
subservient relationships because they completed a prison sentenced. Tonight I was on a conference call meeting with my fellow Auxiliary members. We were discussing business but once the meeting was adjourned we started on the fact that there are many black men who have re-entered society however young, savvy, professional black women over look them due to prior incarcerations. Now I'm not talking about the career criminal. I'm talking about
Rasheed who always hung out with
Mutah.
Mutah got into a fight was carrying a gun but has prior charges,
Rasheed, to help his boy out held the gun for
Mutah. They got pulled over and basically
Rasheed did 2-3 years for
Mutah his boy. Had he had not done that he would have went to college or a trade school and met his potential. Now do we count this brother out because he decided to be loyal to a friend. Or do we give a second chance by engaging in a relationship with him.
That's my cross road at this time. Don't get it twisted. I'm not in a relationship and I'm not looking to engage in one. But I'm interested in someone. He's interested back. I want to take things ultra slow, but he has a record for that exact scenario. Trust me for a living I investigate so I did a thorough investigation without his knowledge. But what do I do? Do I hold it
against him because he made a foolish mistake at 18 years old. Or am I understanding because he now works in a Fortune 500 company and is going somewhere?
If you were me ... what would you do? Better yet, if you were him would you want someone to count you out because you made a mistake. We're all human, we make mistakes - period! Why does love have to fail now?
Labels: crimes, love, prison system, race relations
Recently I listened to a podcast done by a college friend of mine.
Zette has the B.I.G. Girl's Guide to Life
http://bgguide.net/ . I often read it and listen to it. Recently she had a podcast with several people that I have associated with briefly in college and it was nice to listen to their breakdown of the Black Female Ego. It was very interesting and thought provoking. I applaud her and them for it!!!!
My question to you young, black,
savvy, professional women.... do we compromise ourselves for our professional lifestyle. Do we compromise our love lives because the selection of professional black men are not
compatible to us? My last post was about men taking our numbers and not calling us...but the underlying issue in the post was that there is a shortage of young, black,
savvy, professional men! This shortage is basically to the fact that there is a 15:1 ratio of men to women. I love myself....but I can't keep loving myself by myself for the rest of my life...
My question is how does your love life survive with such a ratio taking into context the previous post and now?
Why You Talking to Me Then?
I had a birthday party recently... Actually I had 3! I normally do that. I take off the week of and after my birthday and party for that long. A couple of guys asked me for my number over the weekend. We all know I'm single now.Well, I just don't understand men now. Why do you ask for a woman's number if you're not going to use it? I have a theory...walk with me for a minute.
My Theory: There is an abundance of good black women that black men don't have to work hard for a number anymore. We are just throwing ourselves at them. And because they have such a great choice they just gather our numbers like pieces of art and we just sit on pedestals until they decide to call us.
But my major question is why? Why do you need to get my number, her number, and hers then decide who you want to call. I don't do that. I don't go around getting four numbers from guys then wait to call them. If I want your number I ask for it and I use it. My thing is if you're talking to a woman and you ask for the number and you really don't want it then why are you talking to me?
Don't talk to me! If we strike up a conversation you realize you don't want to keep talking...it's a big club...walk the hell away. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, never come back. I don't care just walk away! But don't pacify me by taking my number. That doesn't pacify me. That makes me confused, angry, and self conscious when you don't call.
I just wanted to know why?
Labels: confusion, men, numbers
It's Been A While
Yes it has been a while...and things have changed... I know that I was tyring to get myself together but really things just fell apart. So now I need help. Now I have to get things back together.
For the first time in my life I accepted change and responsibility! I cohabited with someone and .... and ... we broke up. We broke up because of me and because of him. I could accept change and he couldn't... When you cohabitate you must do one thing... be unselfish. Change. If he doesn't like your hair change, your food change, your weight change, your job change, your lifestyle change, your car
change, change, change, change, change.
Change until you almost feel like there is nothing left of you. Until you're timid. Yes me of all people timid. Shit...read the back logs! I'm in no way timid but I am now. Change until you can't remember what your first name is. Change until you realize that you are no longer you!
And that's what I did...I changed and changed and changed and changed ... then one day this haze came over me and I realized I was the only person who changed! A relationship can't grow if only one person is growing and changing. So ... so ... I left. I left to find myself to find me to be happy and now... I'm lonely but I'm myself.
So I say to ... if you're the only person growing and changing then you don't need to grow and change you need to take a good look at the relationship. Talk about the changing and the growing and if there is no reciprocation... then leave!
