I've Lost It
Recently I've been thinking about my ex that I lived with. I thought how I fucked up...how I left a relationship...althought it was skewed I left it for what? Because I don't have peace of mind or happiness outside of it now? It's been a whole year and I contacted him and we spoke and then he blocked my number. I mean we spoke and we talked about us and things sounded okay and then he blocked my number. I thought it was sad and funny at the same time.
Yesterday I heard a statement made on the radio about relationships and young people it said: It is the most beautiful worst decision you can make. Because young people don't understand how you can love someone and hate them at the same time. And in order to have that grandparents love, staying together for 40, 50, 60 years; you have to be able to work on it. You have to know that there will be rough patches that last longer than a couple of months.
That's when I thought back to myself...he asked me to change several times and I did immediately but I asked him to change some things and he just did not...it got to the point where we were arguing all of the time, not having sex, and being resentful and stuff to one another. I wonder if we would have heard this statement earlier we would have understood each other soon. I mean, really I thought he would never change, don't ask me if he changed now because guess what he blocked my number...oh damn!
Labels: change, I'm lost, the past
I Can't Let Go
I wrote the post earlier today and I've been thinking about it all day!!! I can't let go.... I honestly can not think of one relationship that I have let go of. I am still involved with every single guy that I had a meaningful relationship with. I don't me I'm still involved like I'm still having sex with him. I mean I'm still emotionally tied to that person, either we're friends, we're still dating, I'm friends with their girlfriends or the girl they're dating now...either way...I'm still emotionally tied to them. I didn't think that was wrong until he called today.
The other day I contacted the changer to ask for some help on a charity event I'm planning. He gave me some pointers then hung up. He was very nice which was weird because we last spoke it was an argument. He called today to say that he can no longer speak with me, will not help me on the charity event, and prefers that I never contact him again. I was so shocked and surprised but I guess I understand somewhat. But I was mad that he said this. Like how dare you tell me that I can't talk to you, almost like an ownership type of role. Is that fucked up? I think so!!! Anyway, I agreed and I don't think I will be calling again.
What triggered all of this? My dad called. My dad lives out of the country and has since I was 3 months old. However my mom has always loved him like they are still married even though she's been remarried twice. My mom continues to talk on the phone with him, date him from abroad, and often go and see him. My dad that is. I think that the problem is that my parents have modeled an unhealthy way of breaking up because technically they have never let go of each. I think the problem is that I don't know how to let go. I go away for a while but then I always come back to foster some type of friendship. I don't know if I subconsciously think that if my exes aren't my friends then some way or another I'm loosing out but I need to let go. That's it I'm doing it! I'm going to let go. The next guy that it is over with well fuck it....it's just over no need to speak or be cordial afterwards. Shit I'm still holding onto my ex from high school helping him out in his marriage!!! I have got to let go!!!!
Labels: breaksups to makeups, change, emotions, letting go
