Diary of a Confused Black Woman

Escape to Philly .... Again!

This weekend I went to Philly and I had another great time!!! It started out a little confusing at first. 30 and I were texting back and forth all week with the innuendos of can't wait to see you and how nice the last weekend was. He said Friday that he wanted to come up to stay in Jersey. I declined his self invitation. I definitely did not want him on my turf. It's not like I'm dealing with anyone else...well I'm open to dealing with anyone else but it's just that I like my space. It's nice to know that I can deal with him when I want to and when I don't. And it's not like I don't want to see him every day....wait I think that is it...I don't want to see him everyday. I don't get that feeling down in the bottom of my stomach where I get butterflies and queasiness in regards to seeing him or even talking to him. It's kind of this normalcy that scares the shit out of me. Why am I so comfortable with him?

I'm not sure if you guys know or not but I'm afraid of commitment. The few times I have been in relationships, serious ones, I was always hurt in the end. I felt like I gave too much. Not saying I want to be in a relationship with 30 cause really we're just trying to see where this is all going...actually I'm just trying to see where this is all going...he for some reason I think knows where it's going. Either way, we went on another group date...*side bar* I'll post about that later because do I really have a stamp on my head that says every date I go on for 2008 needs to be a group date? I haven't been on a single 1-to-1 date since 2007. *side bar over* Okay, so we're out to lunch with his friend and female friend of his friend. We're all talking and they are basically like, when are you getting married...It felt so awkward. They laughed about how he was going to be the 60 year old in the club. Okay, so he'll be 31 this year...I just turned 25 in January, and yes although I graduated high school and college early and if you ever had a substantial conversation with me you would pit me as 28...but the fact of the matter is I'm 25!!!

Moving along, last weekend at lunch...*side bar* why do all of these crazy comments come at lunch on Sundays? What is the Lord trying to say? *side bar over* his sister says aw a baby is staring at you [to me] that means you're going to have kids soon. I said no I don't think so...but in my mind I'm like please I avoid children like the plague!!!! Child are like cancer!!! I'm good...then she turns to him and says when are you going to have children I need nieces and nephews...he starts to laugh.. All of these comments he laughs off! What the hell? Why are you laughing who are you in love it? It can't be me! I might have turned you out or something but damn come on now...sexual satisfaction does not equate love! I mean we just got over that awkward first beginning shit you know. Now we're just having PDA. Which by the way I do not condone public displays of affection, don't hold my hand, don't kiss me, matter of fact can you walk at least a 1/2 foot to the left or right cause you're invading my personal space if you don't. But for some reason it feels so natural with him. We were in the club [Fusion] Friday night and he put his arm around me [big no-no but I didn't stop him didn't feel too bad] then he kissed me on my cheek...IN THE CLUB!!!! And what did I do, blush!!! Very shocked at myself...normally I would immediately back up ask what the f*ck was wrong with him and probably go to the bathroom and wash my face! Okay that's a little extreme but it's me!!!

Wait I think I just worked something out in my head...why am I worried about them asking him that? No one said he had to marry me? No one said he wanted kids with me? Look at me jumping ahead in my own head! Maybe I do like this guy? I don't know! I'm so confused...where is the butterflies, the sinking stomach, the .... why is this feeling just so normal...is it supposed to feel normal? I've always questioned have I ever been in love before and if I haven't how will I know what it is when it comes. See dealing with any guy I've always had the butterflies, sinking feelings, and giddiness...with him...I have normalcy. It doesn't feel routine but it feels just like a regular damn day in the neighborhood...Where is Mr. Rogers when you need him to explain something to you with the damn chu-chu train?!?!?

Labels: 30, normalcy, pda, Philly, stomach pains

posted by cherry's kid @ 11:21 PM