Diary of a Confused Black Woman

I'm On The Radio!!!!

2008-12-12T19:52:00.002-05:00

That's right I'm taking my blog to the radio www.99thejoynt.com....that's the only update I have now and it's real in the field!!!! It goes down EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT 6-9pm Cutthouse Radio www.99thejoynt.com you can call up too 866-935-6968
~Cherry's Kid aka Fergie!!!

Tempting....Randomness

2008-11-11T08:50:00.003-05:00

I am a diaster waiting to happen...The Barber's birthday was this past weekend and we watched the fight at his shop...all his boys, customers, the hairdressers, and myself...Ps. the baby is his ... they had the paternity test ... I haven't had any relations with him we were just hanging out as friends which is cool... the random chick on the side is gone too...maybe because of the baby, by the way that was her car he was driving his car is out of the shop...

Either way, met a great business connect but damn do I want to holla at him ... lol... sexy as hell...eitherway, I made him come to shop...such a diaster but nothing happened no one knew who he was or way I was sitting in the car talking to him... Did anyone bet on he fight...did you loose

Went to the 40/40 after the fight went off with the entire shop staff, the Barber, and some other dudes...It was cool..afterwards I was drunk as hell...he didn't make sure I got home he left his boy, my friend's man, to make sure I got home...which he did but really dude you couldn't make sure I got home safely?

The next day I was sick to my stomach cause I had a salami sandwich when I got home with my drunk ass...sick as hell the next day...still flirting with my business contact...shit still flirting till today with the business contact...He said can't mix business with pleasure but is so leaving the door open for us to do so, so why not tempt the idea?

Starting my second job today...so my first job I'm off cause it's a state holiday but my second job I start today at the hospital...doing clinical social work...so happy with life now...still moving away though once I stack my money correctly...

So sad to hear the follow up to The Coldest Winter Ever is wack!!! Does that mean any movie will also be wack? UPS giving free yoga classes to their employees ... damn I need to be int he line of work for free fitness classes...LOL... I'm a mess...going to work...going to finish flirting with the business connect...ps. Met a detective who is so crute (aka cute)!!!! Baby face guy...mmmmm tempting ... I got to get my love life or my roster together...I'm slipping!!!!

Something Real Big In The Works.....

2008-11-07T08:16:00.005-05:00

I always end up talking about my relationship life in my posts because my professional life...well I don't need to express much see and this week I got a second job at a local hospital and I got my professional therapy license. Not to toot my own horn but I am only 25 and I've gained all of this! I'm quite proud of myself...*bowing, bowing, curtsy*.

Okay, enough of that but really this is what I am excited about...I just got a really big offer that I couldn't pass up. Now it won't be a new job but it will give me a great opportunity to voice my opinions Monday thru Friday but I need a format...I have to develop something...This isn't something I sought out it was something that was dropped in my lap...and I'm going to take it...I'll give more details later...

So I got all caught up in the election and forgot to talk about Mexico...It was okay..the cruise ship was kind of bootleg...Carnival was like traveling on a big cafeteria...I was so mad and the food was not what I had expected...I was so mad about the food!!! I was looking forward to a smorgishborg of food and I got a midnight pizza bar only where Pizza Hut had better pizza are you serious? Okay so besides that we went to Key West first and I got 4 Coach bags on a 70% sale out of the Coach Warehouse Store ... OMG!!!! And I only spent $150 on all bags and I'm talking big bags!!! Then we were supposed to be in Mexico for 12 noon the next day but some damn white man fell on the ship and broke his arm so we had to turn around so he could be air lifted back home...We got to Mexico at 4pm and left at 12am..We went shopping there a little bit then we ate...My aunt refused to eat any Mexican food she was so anxious to get back on the ship and eat there...I think because she was fearful of the whole Mexican water thing...but we were in a tourist spot like real tourist they weren't selling anything in pesos which I wanted them to cause 12 pesos = $1...I felt rich with my 2500 pesos in my pocket!!! LOL...We get back on the ship...go to the Halloween Party...I get drunk start talking to my sister-in-law...and this young boy tries to holla and when I say young I mean like 17 years old...so I tell him no R. Kelly over here homeboy...but I explain to my sister-in-law that my brother, local football coach, had to stop his students from trying to holla at me one time when I went to the locker room to get some money cause I was hungry...She gets mad saying my brother doesn't give money out to anyone but he gave me money and that's crazy etc, etc, and she's going to check when we get home...so now I feel uncomfortable because I started an argument between my brother and his wife...then on the last day it rains all day, my mom starts her OCD stuff again...with rushing us off the boat to the airport where we had to wait 2 1/2 hours for the plane...I felt like crap because it felt like I was still moving with the ship even though I was on land...And then finally that night when I get home...my sister-in-law calls me and says when did my husband give you that money...meaning they were arguing then and I said 2 years ago I think cause that's really when it was...her only answer was oh...ok bye. Really? Really?

Next time I'm vacationing with my friends and not my family!!!!

The Personal is Political

2008-11-05T07:56:00.015-05:00

I've never been so political... there are some things I just don't talk about politics, money, and religion but I AM POLITICAL...In college if you met me you would have thought I was a New Wave Feminist...I so believe the personal is political...meaning my personal life my personal being is political...I believe in the way of life in Cuba...with all my heart I do...I passed up a chance to illegally visit there but I won't next summer....I'm going...

In college I was depressed...I was so depressed... I'm from New Jersey and I'm not sure if you noticed last night or not but we are a blue state...I went to college at the University of Florida in the middle of no where Florida...and things have changed slightly the kids there aren't like they were when I was there but I was there when Bush stole both elections...I was in line for 2 hours both times when it came to vote...I staged marches, sit-ins, and shit was just fucked up in Florida...I mean really look at the movie School Dazes to see a dramatic representation of what it was like to go to school at Florida... The locals hated us...they thought the African-Americans there were stuck up ... I mean it was a challenge...going to classes and being the only black person in your class....then no one talking to you until midterms because they looked over your shoulder and saw you had an A...so now its can I borrow your notes or study with you? Do you know how long it takes from the start of a class to midterms? I know 6 weeks! I hated that school my freshmen year and contemplated transferring on several occasions but my mother said stick it out...you will make it...this is a tough learning lesson you need to know about life ... You need to know that racism is still alive...and never more did I feel that when I started my political life ... when I began staging the political processes at UF...when we ran the secret talks of getting the 4th ever Black Student Body President Elected at UF in the living room of my college apartment...and when I left school and was the only Black Woman at work and every time I changed my weave I got questioned...and when I came to an office with more Black People who seemed to take everything personal and not realize that its not personal its institutional, its racism!

And then last night God...God gave me the gracious honor to see the first African-American President to be elected by the people, by an overwhelming amount, by those who like me...woke up yesterday at 5:30am to make sure that their vote counted...I started to photo journal what happened but I couldn't the lines were so long...yes lines cause I waited in 3 different lines to vote and I still made it out in an hour or so....This is becoming a disjointed post but...Thank you America for the FIRST BABY STEPS IN YEARS TOWARDS RACIAL EQUALITY...I'm not saying the first steps ... I'm staying the first steps in years...

I became I Social Worker for one reason only...I wanted to change the world after I graduated college and adapted the Feminist Doctrines that I learned at UF to my life...I was originally going to be a teacher but when I got to the schools and noticed that my students had more important shit on their minds such as heat, gas, electricity, parents on drugs, their own children, their siblings, rent...I said kids at schools don't need Teachers as bad as they need Social Workers...Workers for a Social Change...I am being political now...when I call on all of you to remember now that we made it to another threshold let's not forget those who can not make it as far as we have because they don't have Workers for a Social Change...we must all be in our individual lives in some way...Workers for a Social Change...

Although Obama is not fully immersed in Hip Hop...Hip Hop has adopted him and the best display of that is through Joell Ortiz...Letter to Obama...
~Cherry's Kid

I'm Silent....and so is my phone....

2008-10-28T08:39:00.005-04:00

2 days til the cruise...and the list of reasons I had before has become the worst list ever1!!! Diva [my big sister in my head] and Eb [my cool cousin in my head] both told me to leave The Barber alone and I came to the conclusion a couple of weeks ago that they were right... Well I came to the conclusion when I went out of town for a few days. Before I left he was all up some other chicks ass so I igged him [ignored him]! He continued to be pissy...I mean come on dude you're in the same place as me with another chick and you're ignoring me because of what? We're not exclusive...why are you so childish...so I kept it moving...but when I came back it was like baby baby please...Nig-ro please?!?

He is harassing me...The Barber...he won't go away...I have an item of his that I sent off to get fixed and it's not ready yet I've been calling the company to get it back so I can just give it to him so that I don't have to deal with him anymore but he is calling crazy...I mean calling me at 5am...My phone is silent...I am silent...I am saving the texts and the next step is to press charges because I just want to be left alone...I even gave him the company number so he can harass them...

On top of all of that, I got to work yesterday and they gave me a new case...I work on a caseload so you're on a constant rotation, I go on vacation on Wednesday...I got a case yesterday...and what am I supposed to do between Monday and Tuesday and still update all of my cases? Really? I am now Superhuman? LOL!!! My boss is challenged...mentally...

I'm not even packed for Mexico...wow...My hair is fucked up...I'm stressed out and I think I'm about to get my period and I'm going on vacation...this is some bullshit!!!! The only good thing is that all my bills are paid...I will get paid while on vacation...and I've never been on a cruise before...smiles!!! Happy Tuesday and for those in the Northeast it's raining but at least we can see the rain today!!!!

Update...yes 3 minutes later...The Barber is mad that I'm ignoring him and has asked that I never call him again...Thanks!!! I'm so happy ... Goodbye Asshole!!!

I've Lost It

2008-10-25T07:24:00.002-04:00

Recently I've been thinking about my ex that I lived with. I thought how I fucked up...how I left a relationship...althought it was skewed I left it for what? Because I don't have peace of mind or happiness outside of it now? It's been a whole year and I contacted him and we spoke and then he blocked my number. I mean we spoke and we talked about us and things sounded okay and then he blocked my number. I thought it was sad and funny at the same time.

Yesterday I heard a statement made on the radio about relationships and young people it said: It is the most beautiful worst decision you can make. Because young people don't understand how you can love someone and hate them at the same time. And in order to have that grandparents love, staying together for 40, 50, 60 years; you have to be able to work on it. You have to know that there will be rough patches that last longer than a couple of months.

That's when I thought back to myself...he asked me to change several times and I did immediately but I asked him to change some things and he just did not...it got to the point where we were arguing all of the time, not having sex, and being resentful and stuff to one another. I wonder if we would have heard this statement earlier we would have understood each other soon. I mean, really I thought he would never change, don't ask me if he changed now because guess what he blocked my number...oh damn!

Can I Be Your Sugar Momma

2008-10-16T22:34:00.003-04:00

I rarely talk about my friends but as I listen to myself talk to others about my college experience I realize that we did some crazy as shit...And as I woke up this morning...next to the Barber I thought about his female friend and the stupid that happened in college...

I have a friend and we'll call her...Bianca...Well in college Bianca dated a football player we'll call Andre and they dated all of colleged and even after college. But the shit he put her thru was just crazy as hell. Everytime you turned around Andre had these female friends and other women and I mean Bianca was crazy as hell. That's my girl but that bitch [in the fondest terms] is crazy as hell!!!

One night junior year...I had my own place with my roommate the Mexican...that's a total different post...Our place was cool but right before we moved in together I would always be at the Mexican's house. Well Bianca, the Mexican, and I were the best of girlfriends. We talked about everything and it was no secret that Andre was a mess...He wouldn't be blatant with his cheating but the girls he was with were blatant as hell...I mean they would call Bianca's phone and all types of shit...Andre even had this one white girl who paid all of his bills, his rent, his car note you name it! Bianca let that shit just go on cause hey she was benefiting from the shit too...Well, clearly case in point the barber is definitely doing that with chick because she trips me out...she walks in the shop the other day with all these wall fixings and accessories and all he said was I like that but not that take the rest of that shit back to the store...and she hung up what he liked and packed the other shit up and kindly left the shop all the while he and I are laying on the couch watching a movie...

Sorry, I side barred for a moment...Andre was also dating this one chick named Tiffany...When Andre wasn't with Bianca he was with Tiffany....Bianca knew this and Tiffany and her friends didn't give a fuck...they would bump into her at parties, call her all types of name and like I said Bianca was crazy too so half the time she instigated the shit by spilling a drink on them or something...Well she came to the Mexican's house one day to pick us up at 11pm. She lied to us she told us we were going to Cold Stone Ice Creamery [my absolute fav]...we all get in the car and next thing you know we are at Andre's house.. The first thing out of my mouth was like what the fuck are we doing here...Bianca goes, well remember last week when we were in the club and Tiffany bumped into you and I pulled her ponytail and got us kicked out the club cause I was about to start a fight...I said yea...she goes, well she's here now...I'm like so what's up why are we here...Bianca said I'm going in...Before we could even talk her out of it...because mind you she was talking to the Mexican who had a 4.0 every semester and me a student on the Conduct Committee this bitch is out of the car and knocking on the fucking door...Andre opens the door this chick pushes her way in so we go in after her...next thing you know she is up in the bedroom and guess who is undressed in the sheets...Tiffany...Bianca goes gets her underwear or something personal out of the dresser draw...I could of sworn that Tiffany was going to jump up and beat her ass cause she was so tough and damn bad anywhere else we saw...but this bitch pulled the damn covers over her head...Bianca said now what bitch...he's still my man and walked out the damn house...I was so confused...

Point of the story as I was laying in the bed with the barber the other night I heard the front door to the house open...I could of sworn it was going to be the female friend...he was knocked out but I was ready for whatever was going to go down...it wasn't it was just his brother dropping some shit off...But how did I get in my crazy home girl's position where I'm ready to argue over a dude? I asked myself that today...I thought about Bianca and said it's not worth any fight for...but for now...I like his company

17 Days & Counting

2008-10-13T19:35:00.006-04:00

17 days and counting to my vacation and I can not wait...I can't wait for numerous reasons. So I left the barber alone and kept it moving...I stopped calling him for the past coouple of days and then all of a sudden he wanted to see me...I went to see him...he was high and drunk...I was sober...we sat in the shop while he ate the food he asked me to pick up...The Gators won 51-21 I should have bet more money on the game...

We went to the house and well we went to sleep...in the middle of the night I swallowed and then went back to sleep...in the morning, I wanted to have sex but only if he was throwing his face in it...he said no, but the past 2 weeks I've swallowed damn near every night without sex because I missed my period so we were afraid to have sex until I had a pregnancy test...it was negative a week ago...my body just skipped the menstraul cycle...

Back to the morning...so because he said no I rolled back over and went to sleep...then he started poking me as if it would wake me up...I was already awake I just chose to ignore him and he kept at it for approximately 1 hour then he rolled me over and started kneeing me in my collar bone...we tussled back and forth for 30 minutes and then he did what I wanted him to do and it was great!!! I missed him...He said I've been distant lately, I'm distant because you've got this going on so...I'm distant...

I went home afterwards...finally saw American Gangster and went to the club...had a great time and my ex showed up...we talked in the VIP for a while and he gave me $100 saying didn't he miss my birthday and valentines day...I said sure even though I didn't care but my bank account was about to bounce so I took it...

The Haitian was there but he had his out of town chick the girl from Canada there...I never blogged about her but while The Haitian and I were dealing with each other he had a Canadian chick come in from out of town and in front of me kissing and stuff...But in the end of the day...I made my drunken phone call to the barber he didn't answer...I called back a couple of times still no answer and then he turned his phone off!!!! Wow...today I slept all day and texted back and forth with the 20 year old!!! Oh I met a 22 year old last night his phone was dead but aparently he has my number so he can call if he wants...but he smokes cigarettes...

Long story short...17 days till I'm in Sunny Sunny Hot Hot Mexico for 5 days...Thank you Lord for the vacation you are about to provide for me!!!

This Shit You Just Can't Make Up

2008-10-01T20:17:00.003-04:00

I have the type of life that you just can't make up! No seriously I do!!! This is my life...I'm smart...I'm really smart...I graduated Graduate School with a 3.86 GPA, who does that shit? I don't know? I graduated high school at 17, I learned to read, write, and do math at the age of 4 and I mean like addition not counting numbers!!! I speak a couple of languages, I don't have kids, I live at home only because I'm saving $20k to buy a house, and my credit is pretty damn good; except Vicki Secrets calls sometimes cause they want they money for panties other than that I'm good!!! I take care of myself, I eat right, I keep my hair, nails, and other physical features in tact. I'm well read and I'm aware of both street and book knowledge. And besides all of that I'm cute!!!! I'm really cute, short as all hell but cute!!!

Well, I also have the 14 week curse! That's right I said it, a muthafuckin curse!!! I meet guy, guy tells me I'm all of the above, we date substantially and then the bottom falls out. I find out he has a baby on the way with a girl who has been fucking at least one of his friends and two other people, doesn't know if its his and they did a genetic test but not a paternity test and the chick keeps lying about her due date. I find out that he also has a female friend who he claims is just a friend but has recently kissed and her man is locked up and they spend an awful amount of time together, she drives his car, knows his family, runs personal errands for him, and decorates his house. I find out that there are other woman that he's also dating although I've asked several times if he was dating other women not because I'm being nosey but because I want to gauge how much feelings I should invest myself into it but I get a null and void answer. This is usually what I find at the 14 weeks, then I find myself retreating back to my home and not going out and not really giving my number out because every dude I have met since I broke up with my ex has been this way.

And before you can even say anything, I'm not talking about dudes I meet on the street. I'm talking about College Professors, Cops, Correction Officers, the Occassional Thug, Public Service Employees, Friend of Friend, Airline Worker, Teacher, I mean you name I've dated it...and all of them have the same issues. Are my standards too high? Am I looking for something that just isn't out there? And when I go for the guy that is not attractive to me, the corny looking dude he is so corny I walk all over him. I tell him what to do when to do and he does it and its annoying. I just want to meet my equal... EQUAL is that so hard to ask for? I know stop looking, I'm not these dudes come to me...stop thinking about it...I know I have but damn...I'm so lonely I just want 24 weeks of good dates and not the 14 week curse!!! I'm back to square one again...and yes all of those problems happen to be those of the current 14 weeker....he owns a retail shop!

I Know It's Been Awhile

2008-09-25T21:57:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've been on but I was just trying to get some things together. In short, schools opened back up and although I don't have children, I protect them so since the schools are open, my job became way more complicated. I tried getting back on here and doing some things but I couldn't. Long story short, I'm here now!!!!

So what's been going on? Well, I met a guy...I left the Haitian alone and now, I'm going good I hope...I guess. Well, I met this guy and he is the best so far...we are definitely going as smoothly as possible for it to be day 30. I usually fuck up by now, that it's either over or we go on for another 3 or 4 months then it's over like 31. I definitely had a great time with Eb last month at her Birthday Party. Met some cool Cuban dudes and they brought us drinks and we were drunk...and I made it to work the next day!!! Damn I'm good!!!

Til Sunday!!!! TTYL

This Weekend Oh Gosh!!!

2008-08-25T12:35:00.001-04:00

Oh my gosh so many things have happened over the weekend!!!! On Friday I met Mo...I know my cousin is shitting his draws now!!!! LOL!!!! Mo said that Jarrod felt like she was getting to close to his life he is so silly!!! Crazy Boy!!!

Friday night was 2 of my friends birthday parties...had a really great time even though they were fucking 3 hours late for their first party that I threw them but the after party we had mad fun at!!! It was like an impromptu high school reunion which turned out really great! I went on a date during the week with a guy I went to high school with but barely remembered we had a great time and he came to the birthday party with his boys and his cousin and we had a great time getting cozy in the VIP section with his grey goose bottle and no pun intended!!!

My bank account is no longer empty cause I got paid but its back down to $200 after I paid all my bills and went out this weekend ... such a damn shame!!!!

Then Saturday was my Grandmother's [Nana to you!] bbq at her house. Everything was going great nice and smooth until my mother got drunk and started talking shit to me. And instead of me being the bigger person I got sucked into it and we ended up in this big ass, dramatic, drag down fight in the middle of the f*cking street! Yes in the middle of the damn street!!!! Straight up in the middle of the street!!!! All types of fuck you, muthafucka, and bitch words were being thrown around!!! She was inconsiderate and it is what it is....so now we're not talking but we live in the same house.

Sunday we continued with the non-verbal communication between my mother and I....and miraculously I had to find my keys in the garbage outside of the house inside of the garbage bag...that made me so late for the club...which was becoming harder and harder to go to because the big pay off was not happening. In the end I told my employer that I could no longer do the clubs and promoting so I officially pulled out of that and now I've lost a friend or at least someone I thought was a friend because I got the silence!!! And on top of all of that I'm hungry now...and it's gloomy then sunny outside!

Have a nice Monday Everyone!!!

Oh ps. I get to meet Eb the Celeb on Wednesday...I'm so excited can't wait!!!!!!

If This Crackhead Don't Stop Calling Me!

2008-08-19T11:26:00.003-04:00

By the title you would swear that I'm talking about some guy that I want to just stop calling but it's really not like that. There is a real life crackhead who is calling me consistently. I throw parties as a side job so that I can make some extra money to save up and buy a home. Well, last week, my partner and I were leaving the comedy club. We had such a great time!!! When we came out of the club we started handing out fliers to the other people leaving.

As we were doing so another promoter that we know told us about this crackhead that was standing near by. The crackhead had fliers in his hand too. Now this may sound weird but the promotion game in Jersey is just like the crack game. Basically you have your high end promoters who everyone is always watching because they are getting that gwap [money]. Then you have the middle class-suburban promoters [pushers] that no one knows that they are promoters until you say your promotion name then everyone is like oh you're such and such. For example, most of the time I end up in the club in my 9-5 outfit because I go straight from work to the comedy club, or the bar, or the strip club...etc. Anyway, most of the time when I get to the door they let me in for free then someone randomly asks why does she get in for free then the other person says, "oh that's Fergie". Then the other says, "oh she does Dolce on Sunday right?” Then that's it and usually people say oh you're Fergie? With a question mark as if I shouldn't look the way I look. Then there are those who are just not the shit. I mean people see them or talk about their parties and say oh hell no I'm not going to the shit or I'm not dealing with that crazy muthafucka. In the end it's a 3-tier system, you always want to be on top or the middle and trust people will try and sabotage your shit just to get ahead of you. At times I think I want out but I keep thinking of the beautiful condo I'm working towards.

I digress, so the promoter says this crackhead is the shit about handing out fliers so we decide to give him a try. We give him a couple of stacks of fliers and $30. We tell him if the numbers at our club goes up over the week then we'll meet back up with him on the following Monday and give him more fliers and more money. Well guess what! On Thursday of the same damn week, crackhead shows up at a lounge that we are at. I mean like what the fuck! We are just chilling, we're not even promoting we are out to dinner and drinks chilling talking and he starts calling us from peoples' phones. Cause you can't smoke inside in Jersey he is using the smokers outside phone. My partner went outside and told him to wait until Sunday for us to see the numbers. When I went outside he asked me the same question but he had some crackhead lady with him too. Next thing you know she is all in my face saying I'm going to help, I can do it. I kept saying back up and no. First off we don't even know if his job was good. Then she starts to take the fliers out his hand. I mean crackheads fighting is sad it's not even funny just sad. So I walked away. Don't you know from that point on the crackhead called me from different numbers at least 30 times a day. Last night we went to a comedy club and guess who was there....the crackhead and was really like no disrespect I need more and I'm telling him hell no cause the numbers didn't go up. He followed me and my girls into the club. The bouncers threw him out. He came back in a side door and got thrown out again. And when we left I had to curse him out cause he was just not listening. Even if we thought he did a good job he fucked it up calling us 30 times a day for 4 days in a row!

I have stopped answering my phone! It's to the point where if you don't text me or email [blackberry baby!] me then I don't know you're trying to contact me! I mean who knew that a crackhead would memorize a number to call you that damn much! Then again, it is all about the money and the drugs, so if I had a crazy addiction then I would memorize the number too. I can't lie when I was addicted to 31's dick I definitely knew the number by heart and still do to this day!!! I just need the crackhead to stop fucking calling!!!!!

What I Did To Fill In the Blanks

2008-07-17T09:18:00.005-04:00

In a previous post I wrote how there was no love between 31 and I. And there wasn't. In public 31 was the best. He held my hand, he rubbed my back, he grabbed my ass, he kissed me... But in the house, there was nothing. Nothing! He never touched me. At first I thought it was us trying to get use to each other but in the long run it turned out that he claimed that he didn't know how to do any of that. So this all left me hollow. I was so hollow that at night, when he was in the bed with me I would curl up with a pillow on the other side of the bed. I would curl up with the dog. I would give out my number and emotionally cheat with someone, anyone! I wanted feelings, I wanted tenderness, I wanted...I wanted love.

I have been so afraid to say that I wanted to fall in love in so long. Before I met 31 I was lost. I had just left my ex in "our" apartment and came back home because I couldn't deal. I felt like I was changing. In the end I was lonely in my own home. I came home to my mom's house and the depression sunk in so bad that I was drunk, high, fucking, or doing something bad every night. Then I met 31. The morals that he had, his mentality, his academics, it all blew me away...It blew me out of my state of darkness and I fell. I fell for a facade that only happened on the outside. During all of this I knew I was hollow and I knew that I needed more from him when a woman started hitting on me.

I've never considered this before in my life but she was selling me a dream. A dream of comfort. The thing that us women do, have two men at one time. One to, as in the words of La, Tupac your ass, and one tender one to take care of your emotional side. The questions started, could I really keep a woman on the side? Do I even want a woman? Am I curious? My friends said if I kept talking about it then I must be. And to be honest I was. So I tried it. Once. And it wasn't my shit! Although there was that comfort and tenderness, really in the end when we cuddled I wanted a stiff one in my ass crack!

So ... 31 and I are over. The chick is gone... I started to go back to that same place that was I at without even telling anyone and then the Haitian came along. I'm confused, I'm not sure what's going on. He's definitely not Tupac-ing me...he really is giving me the whole baby making scene, I mean he Tupac-ed me once...and damn was that good. But ... what am I doing with my life!!!!!?????!!!!! Most of my friends are married, babies, in love, and ... and I'm just in this place... in this place of stagnation. People have told me that it will come when it's supposed to so.... so.... why do I feel this way?

Just So Busy....

2008-07-16T22:47:00.003-04:00

I have been so busy lately! I'm going to LA on Tuesday but for now I'm trying to make sure all of my cases are up to date in the system before vacation. I'm trying to make sure the parties pop off still while I'm gone. I'm trying to wash clothes so I can have something to wear for 7 days in LA. I'm trying to confirm my reservations. I'm trying to get a babysitter for the dog. I'm trying to get my professional license application now that I passed the state board examination. I'm trying to finish my other job [personal assistant to a manager of producers and djs].... Damn in all of that I'm still trying to get some sleep, eat healthy, and to be honest bust a nut! LMAO!!!!! CAN ANYONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN WILL I HAVE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll post something more substantial later when I catch up!

It's Official B and Jay are done...well...actually

2008-07-02T21:57:00.005-04:00

That's right, it's over between 31 and I. Over the past couple of weeks, a total of 5 weeks there have been problems between 31 and I. Really we haven't been seeing each other. We haven't seen each other in 5 weeks until this past weekend. His excuses were that he was in a wedding [that was in town by the way], he was busy with family stuff [he has no kids and has never been married], and he just got caught up busy chilling with his friends. I took it as that he got comfortable with me and I was now the JO -side bar- stands for Jump Off means booty call - and he no longer wanted to see me in the daylight hours. So I figured that I would just end it. Really ever since he told me that he loved me it has just changed where he isn't seeing me until like 1, 2, or 3am in the morning. So I deaded - side bar - means ended - it a week ago and I was miserable!

Truly I was! I missed him so much. So I made up with him, we fucked on Thursday night [night before the 4th of July] and truly I haven't spoken to him until today when he told me that he quit his job and is just chilling now. Here's the thing. I wanted him back so bad. So bad! That I let my integrity go to get him back and once I had him I didn't want him anymore! I am that type of girl, I only want you when I know I can't have you. Once I know that I can have you and you aren't worth as much as I think you are then I'm done. Truly I just thought I was loosing a big prize and in the end I was only giving up a dud! Damn this shit has been so difficult since I left my ex. I truly do long for some type of relationship but at the same time I enjoy my freedom being able to go and please as I want. The unfortunate problem is that the nights get so lonely. Plus I'm always in the club not by choice but profession, I throw events I have a marketing firm as well as my regular 9-5. And it just doesn't help or work. I'm in an industry that is so shallow and I just really want someone to be there for me but you never know when someone is truly there for you or your money or event. I can't take it anymore. How do you weed out who is truly there for you? I am now that lonely chick, the facade is eating me alive! Just one date, one hug, one real kiss, one anything to at least make me feel like I am wanted again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's In a Coma

2008-06-24T20:53:00.002-04:00

Right now my uncle is in a coma. He had a stroke. But not the type of stroke you can think of...meaning he doesn't drink, smoke, or even eat meat. He is 55 and picture, perfect healthy until he had a nightmare last Tuesday and jumped out of his sleep. When he did that he popped a vein that goes into his brain which cut off the blood that goes to his brain. He stroked on Wednesday. On Thursday he was fine, speaking, reading, chilling in the hosital bed then ... then on Friday they drained the fuild around his brain with a shunt and he hasn't awaken yet....

But my mother is driving me crazy. I know that is her brother and I understand how she feels but we have had nothing but positive reports from his wife, my grandmother, and the doctors. The brain waves are fine. His organs are perfect. The brain swelling has gone down and there is rapid eye movement, meaning he's sleeping. But my mother is going insane. We're talking about her baby brother here.

My mother is the type of anal person you meet on the street and automatically decide you don't want to be her friend because she corrected her grammar at least 10 times within the 5 minutes you have met her. She's the type of person you try to tell a joke to and she just looks at you. You ask her if it was funny and she says yeah but doesn't laugh. She has defrosted the fridge 2x, seasoned all the food and refroze it. She has stripped the wall paper and fixtures in the bathroom and is in the process of reconstructing the only bathroom in our home.

My mom has always said that she is the sane one when something goes wrong in the family. And she usually is. She is usually the one who will be able to hold everyone together, get the essential work needed done, and hold us all down. But right now, right now she ain't holding no one down. Now I have to do everything. I'm doing things when I'm the one who falls apart. I usually am the one at the funeral who jumps on the casket screaming take me with you!!!!! I guess the problem is I don't have a place to vent, to be myself and actually cry...instead I have to be the adult day and night around the clock. What's worst is I have to be the adult because I did an internship in a hospital so according to my family "I know about medical stuff and problems". Thanks for listening...going back to being an adult!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't worry I plan on sending my mother to see her brother, did I mention he lives on the other coast...yeah I got to get her out of here...I'm sending her soon!!!!

I do have to say thanks for my aunt...she is the only other person in the family is as together as I am...but I guess I'm so together because I know my uncle is going to snap out of this!

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

2008-06-18T01:01:00.001-04:00

You Must Hate My Gas Tank

2008-06-10T20:22:00.002-04:00

I have a friend who hardly ever comes out of the house. She is very pretty. She used to model. Remember the Carl Thomas video...yeah that's her. Well, she's always been the type who was always easy going and nice. She is the funniest person you'd ever meet. Well, over about 3 years ago she got into a relationship with someone. He has basically destroyed her self esteem to the point where she thinks that she is ugly and often leaves. He's even told her that she was stupid and corny and other name calling.

A couple of months ago we went out and he got into an argument with her and she decided not to go anymore. About 8 weeks ago she decided to come out with me and he got into another argument with her the night before. Instead of staying home she decided to come out with me anyway. We got there, we were having a good time, then he showed up. He walked in, looked her and then left. After that she complained the entire night. All of a sudden the club was wack, the people were corny, and she had a headache. Well basically that's how she has been ever since she has been with him. He gets her upset and then she just flips and turns into a person who thinks that she needs to run and hide in her home. She will just get up and say okay it's time for me to go home. She is basically hiding in her own home because of this man.

She's complained so bad while we were out that it came to the point where I would have to leave and drive her home. I got so mad that I just stopped inviting her out. How could any one woman, and I know what domestic violence is, I am a Social Worker, but I guess when it's close to home it still doesn't make sense. But how do you allow someone to have that much control over you. I told her several times that any time a man showed up where I was for 5 minutes to look at me then turn around and leave then I know I'm the fucking shit!!!! Not that I need to run the hell home and hide. LOL!

Long story short, last night she called and asked me to go out. I had a place in mind so I took her with me. She started talking in the car about how another friend of ours did an intervention on her. How she sat her down to help her get over him. Oh, did I forget to mention they aren't together anymore...yeah they break up every other week. Well, on the way she then says, oh I have a headache I think it's from this gum I'm chewing. That's how it all starts. She starts to talk about dude then she busts out and says oh I think my feet hurt. Then 1 hour later she demanding you take her home because he is texting her but her feet hurt too. Anyway, we get to the club and she automatically sits down and we were only there for about 5 minutes. She starts to complain about her feet hurting. Then when the music starts to get good and my other friends show up then she has a major headache and she's getting text messages so now she is ready to go. I can't take it anymore. I can't hang out with insecure people and I'm tired of leaving the club to take her all the way home and then drive back to the club. My gas tank can't handle it and this is ridiculous.

To my friend, I hope this doesn't hurt you but I love you and you have got to get over whatever it is that you are stuck on. If you need some help I got you but we'll meet there, you can't ride with me!

Momma I Made It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-30T18:41:00.004-04:00

That's me getting my degree with the red on top my hat.

That's my momma ya'll!!!!

That's me getting hooded in the middle of the stage
I'll have a substantial post later...after I finish partying from graduation...been partying for the past 2 weeks...I'll be done after the first week of June!!!! Thanks Diva for the Graduation Shouts!!!! I finally got a Masters Ya'll!!!!!

This is from my graduation party I had the night before!

Driving Around in a Fog

2008-05-21T20:27:00.004-04:00

Last week I just seemed to be in a fog and just lost. It could have been attributed to the fact that I was anxiously awating graduation on May 19th [went well haved to post later about that], could have been that I was partying too much because of graduation, or it just could have been the fact that my GPS Navigation System BROKE!!!

I'm definitely depending on the latter as the explanation. I work for the State where I have to drive around and save the children...I cover two counties. Although I grew up in parts of both of those counties, I don't know the entire counties by heart. Well, I was at work, driving mind you and then it happened. I started smelling the sweet smells of garlic. Okay, I know what you're thinking, who thinks garlic is sweet smelling. I love food!!! I mean I really love food!!! So I'm sitting there thinking, where is the Portugese restuarant cause all I could think of was rotisseri chicken with red beans and rice... I continue to drive thinking, this is not the part of town where the Ethnic foods are...why the hell am I smelling garlic. Then I started thinking, did I leave something in the car.

I started pulling out all of the airfresheners I could think of in the car. Finally, I looked down to see where to turn next on my hand Mio GPS when I realized it was smoking. That's right, the bitch was smoking. I pulled over immediately, unplugged it then started blowing into it. I turned it off thinking...okay...if I turn it off it will reset and be fine. I turned it off but it never turned back on...I was so sad...But what was worst was that I was lost in the middle of the hood and I kept circling the block in the state car so it looked like I was setting the crack operation up for the shake down by the feds. Finally, I just pulled over, sucked it up and called the office to get turn by turn directions to the place I needed to go. All I could say, was why the hell did I turn it off? And who thought of turn it off, it'll reset and turn back on. I do that shit with everything, tv acting up turn it off and on again. PC acting up, turn it off and on again. What the hell made me think a smoking GPS would even turn back on?

After that I refused to leave the office until today. Today was the first day I was back in the field driving around, but that was because I used the money that 31 gave me for graduation!!!! That's right ya'll 31 gave me about $300 for my graduation present...which was really cool cause he's so nice. He also played really nice with the family at graduation, he sat next to them and was really helpful for me!!! So I'm happy to say that I'm finally done with this fog and I know where I'm going!!!!!!

Don't Get Caught Up In Their Shit

2008-05-14T08:49:00.005-04:00

That's right, 31 said that to me. When 31 had his birthday cook out at his mother's house, three of his cousins came, three woman. I know some of his other cousins but not these three woman. I know his other cousins because I throw parties. They come to my parties and so does 31 so I met them.

Well, as I'm frying chicken in his momma's house, his three mean cousins come in. They hug each other and immediately begin to talk about the other cousins. The actual cousins who were nice to me. They were all like who are you but luckily 31 came in and introduced me. By the way he is still introducing me as his 'friend'. They looked me up and down and continued talking. I didn't involve myself in any of their conversations. A couple of times they asked if I needed anything which I made sure I talked back but other than that I was good. I was polite and said hello and goodbye but I have family members like that myself so I already knew.

That night after we dropped off his Goddaughter we were in the bed talking. He said oh the meanies like you. I thought oh really? He said yeah, they thought you were so polite and nice. The next day I went back over there and they actually held real conversations with me and didn't just talk about me. But things changed later that night when they checked myspace because the cousin they were talking about had already put up the pictures from the party already. That's when they saw the parties I saw and started to call me by nickname and not Cherry's Kid. Tension just felt tight and I was like okay never mind. I thought they were getting cool but it was like, no no no. Oh by the way, they tell me, we like you. 31 has brought girls back that have been like what? But you you're nice and we like. Trust us if we didn't then we would tell you.

Later that night, 31 I were talking and he said. Don't get caught up in their shit. Don't tell anyone the secrets they tell you cause that's what they want. At the end of the day just cause they sit up in the kitchen and talk about people doesn't mean that they won't still fight you cause you opened your mother. I love my cousins but don't get caught up in their shit. I'm not even worried about the statement. I'm more concerned about the meaning behind the statement. What do you mean don't get caught up in their shit. Am I going to see them more often to where I could? Am I going to be around longer? Wow...shocked the hell out me...well, I'm working on my graduation present...hopefully he will have something nice for me!!!!

Frying Chicken in His Momma's House

2008-05-13T22:16:00.005-04:00

"This friends shit is killing me!" "What do you mean?" "We're not friends cause clearly I'm doing things with you that I only do with someone who is my man." "I think we're more than friends, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." "But if I was fucking someone else you would be mad." "I can't say anything." "But you weren't mad when you thought I fucked Shatim?" "LOL"

Okay...let me start from the beginning....

Saturday was 30 is now 31 Birthday Party. He had a cook out at his mother's house. He asked me to come there early. I get there early and ain't shit done. The dishes aren't washed, the kitchen floor isn't swept, the chicken isn't fried...it's like what the hell. So his mother asks me to help 30 is now 31 or should I say 31, his sisters, and her with the dishes while they continue to finish fixing the food and the backyard. Once I finished the dishes, I swept the floor, then his sister said she didn't know how to fry chicken so I started on that as well. It was crazy. In the middle of me frying chicken all his family started showing up.

He's introducing me as his friend but he's coming in checking on me, hugging me, kissing me, and all of this while I'm frying chicken in his MOMMA'S HOUSE! I didn't mind actually it was very funny. His one set of cousins were there talking about the other cousins. There was a pinata for the kids and someone got popped in the head with a stick. And at the end of the night people started stealing beers, pieces of cake, and slabs of ribs...yeah I said 2 slabs of ribs were missing at the end of the day.

Then the funniest started...31 definitely agreed for him and I to babysit his goddaughter that night. I was like what the hell!!! His cousins and Jersey friends were trying to holla...super funny. One guy was outside talking to me next thing you know 31's sister and I was talking and he gives me the side eye like come over here. I'm like what? He's really giving me the over here nod. I said no thank you. One of his cousin's was asking the 20 questions. Are you and 31 married? Is that your kid? Is that your man? Oh well can I say hi? NO...NO you can't!!! Luckily 31 saw it all and handled it all by telling all the guys to back off...very funny!!!!

The next day, I returned for the after party dinner. Which was fun as hell. His mean cousins who were talking about every one were back and they actually liked me...very funny...His momma and sisters are great...love them!!!! The grandparents were great...his dad is super funny, he tried to give me a political question to make sure I wasn't stupid...so I pulled out my 95k education on him...And the next day was even better because we were all playing cards.

With all of that said, the above conversation is what we had afterwards because clearly it was time for the talk. Well, clearly the talk didn't go well or at least how I thought it would. Not that I want to be his girlfriend but damn...stop treating me that way if you're not ready...but in reality am I ready? And aren't we already in a relationship because of the way he treats me? I mean seriously, I met the grandparents on both sides. What am I doing with myself? I just got out of an abusive relationship and here I rushing into something else? I don't know...But look at me frying chicken in his momma's house!

I Usually Wait

2008-05-08T08:59:00.002-04:00

I usually wait for more comments before I post something new but please check out this video...but really watch the end...This is Mike Gravel he is running for the Presidential Race under the Liberterian Vote...but please watch him Soldier Boy PLEASE!!!!!

CONGRESSMAN THAT HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Thing At A Time Please?

2008-05-07T22:32:00.006-04:00

That's how I feel like my life has been right now...It's been so long since I posted, it's ridiculous. It's not like I'm not doing anything. Shit it's like I'm doing so much but doesn't feel like I'm getting anything done. So I've finally gotten a chance to post and I honestly think because I had to take some me time to sit and pamper myself for a couple of seconds that I got the oppoturnity to post. So what's been going on? Everything and nothing at all.

30 is definitely still in the picture. There is no question that he won't be around by the end of summer. Things have been going so well between him and I that I may cut off the other guys that I have been dating. *Side Bar - Why does that happen? Women get wrapped up in a guy that they are dating, yes definitely dating not a boyfriend and then we cut off all the other men that we are dating too but men don't cut any of the other women off.* On other thought, I won't cut anyone off, I'll just keep things going the way they are until I'm ready to commit to him.

Grad School is definitely over! Yes, I handed in my last finals last week and I got one back, got a B+ on the final paper and an A in the class. The other class and the internship, I haven't heard from yet. Still got a financial hold on my record although I paid the balance it just hasn't been updated yet.

Lastly, work is kicking my assets!!! They want to fire my supervisor. His superiors feel that he is incompetent but the problem is that because they want to fire him puts hell on those underneath him. They double check our work for his mistakes, they constantly call us, and it is just taxing on someone's body. I'm just really beat!!! I'm so beat up mentally from this!!!

Other than all of that.....I'm good!!!! A little sleep deprived and hungry but I'm good. I think I need a beer draw like Jamielor a day where I think I'm a Superstar like Jaybeeand Rashan...or maybe a day where I can just tell my supervisor that he is an idoit like Divaimplied...But more importantly I think I need those summers off like Von Kutieboots....I live vicariously thru those items right now until I get a chance to be normal again. Hopefully, after I catch up on work at work, graduate, and maybe get some from 30.... I should be fine....did I mention that it just so happens to be that week...yeah...life is pretty tough now...LOL!!! But I'm hanging in there!!!!!!!!!!

I'm It!!!! Plus I'm Late as Hell!!!!!

2008-04-22T21:37:00.005-04:00

I'm a tag virgin, but Jaybee and Canon tagged me. Since I've been rude for too long by not posting in a long time I had to finally finish this!!!!!

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you…

2. Mention the rules in your blog…

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Here are some unspectacular quirks about Cherry's Kid:

1. I'd rather text someone than call them. Sometimes while I'm talking I forget what I'm saying in the middle of the sentence and never complete my thoughts. With all of that said, I hate when people do the same to me and I often curse them out for it.

2. I pride myself on not looking down on people and not talking down to them but often I've been told that I can be very snobbish and rude if I don't know someone. It's not meant to be that way, I just don't let people get too close so I'm often rude until I like them.

3. I watch CNN News every morning and the Weather Channel. That is the only news that I watch. I don't watch the local 5, 6, 7, 10, or 11 o'clock news. I just watch that so I don't know what is going on in my neighborhood....so sad!

4. I was supposed to be named Delta-Laverne Nicole ****** only because my dad likes Delta Airlines...luckily my mom is smart and changed my name.

5. I live with my mom ... I've always lived with my mom... I moved out twice, I went to college then I moved back... then I moved out with a guy....then I moved back home... So I figured next time I move out it should work. 3rd times a charm right?

6. I have a son...not really...I have a dog but I tell people that I have a son. You want to know why, cause I really have to feed, bath, and clothe the little n*gga and he's bad as hell. He bites and growls. He's the type of kid I think I would have. The one that whines and cries when other people pick him up, doesn't eat anything other than bananas, and is just plain mean to other little kids. So I tell people I have a son, I even call his cage daycare. So if I'm on the phone in the morning I tell people I have to call them back cause I have to put my son in the daycare so I can go to work. LOL!!!!

There Jaybee I finally finished it!!!!
So there you have it. Some uninteresting quirks about me. I’m tagging:

X, My Cuzzie, Jamiel, Kutie Boots, and RJ

Why Am I Running?

2008-04-20T12:21:00.004-04:00

I'm in Philly for the weekend and this is what happened...So before I came to Philly my coworkers and I had a conversation about anal sex. As much as I am open to sexual experiences, seeing that I lost my virginity at 14 and I tend to think that I may be a little superheadish...well I don't do anals! 30 and I had sex one day and he put his thumb there and that shut down sex for the night!!! Anyway, I'm kind of prudish when it comes to certain things. So my coworkers were saying that I have to lighten up so I tried. It's dinner time, I'm in Philly, we're in the house watching a movie and you know it started popping off, next thing you know there's a finger in my ass. It was okay but what happened afterwards was not cool!!!! Not at all!!! We finish up, we shower, then we hit dinner. We come back and we're watching the rest of the movie. We both start falling asleep on the couch. Then it's like okay I'm going to get in the bed. I get ready to change my clothes. I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. By the way, I'm glad I have a big makeup bag where I carry everything in it. Well, I go into the bathroom, close the door and my stomach starts. I know when I've eaten something I shouldn't. As soon as I'm done eating, like 20 minutes later it feels like I have some type of alien in my stomach that is trying to rip out. So I said in my head oh shit, i have the runs and i'm out of town!!! Now I don't know how long you guys have been reading, but 30 and I have not known each other long enough for me to shit at his house. So I turn on the shower cause I'm like fuck it I got shower now. I sit down and my whole life is pouring out of me...I know this is so nasty but this is what happened!!! So now I'm flushing the toilet like 3 or 4 times and I'm praying to God he is still sleep on the couch so he can't hear it. Even more, I'm praying that this bullshit odor nuetralizer he has works.

Now why was I so nervous, well 30 has decided that he wants to start toileting with the door open while I'm here. Dude is getting comfortable. Like for example, I'm in the living room now and he's in the shower to my left with the door open. I'm only blogging in the living room because the wireless connection is better out here. Ps. he doesn't know I have a blog. So that was is why I'm nervous as shit... So I have figured out why I never do the anal thing. You let someone stick a finger up there and next thing you know you're shitting your whole life away!

It's a nice day, I'm think I'm going to ask if we can go to the park, talk later guys!!!!

Anonymous

2008-04-16T23:23:00.002-04:00

LOL! This is so off topic...but I have an anonymous commenter...He/She has been commenting forever for me since I started out back in 05 but I don't know who this person is...they always say at the end...You know who it is...but I never do...I've asked some of my friends if it was them but they all said no...I just wanted to send Anonymous a little shout...haven't heard from you in a while hope all is well!!!!
~Me

I Goes Left!!!!

2008-04-14T08:45:00.009-04:00

Some of you who know me read and some of you who just read don't know me. But when I get mad...I GO LEFT. No seriously, I GO LEFT!!!!! I black out forget who I'm talking to and loose my damn mind and just start arguing with people. And on top of all of that I don't like when you don't want to argue back or something. And I go left so bad that everyone gets it grandma, mom, boyfriend, not boyfriend, best friend, and even the random ass crackhead on the corner!

Okay so here is where I went left. Like I said before, yes I'm dating 30 but I'm open to dating other people. Well here is well I decided there is a lot of bitchassness with guys now and I'm not sure if I want to date anyone else other than 30. So there was this music producer guy...and yes he was really a music producer guy and we were kicking it on the phone but our schedules never matched up. Finally today our schedule made it. Class got cancelled for me and he ended up being sick. So I was supposed to go to his house. He started with the ambiguousness too much!!! From the jump dude was like OK I can't really tell you where I live cause it's so new but my complex has everything!! So then I'm getting upset...I don't do all of that...if you are going to beat me in the head about coming to see you well be up front. I live here, I have this, I do this, don't give me that shit about Google me and shit....He did all of that!!!

Like I said before if one person gets me angry and you come along and say something that makes my anger worst...well you get the brunt of it all...and that's what happened. My uncle is a crackhead. He's been a crackhead since I was born. He's functional. He goes to work, doesn't steal, pays rent, and occasional will do you a favor for some extra cash. Well he wanted to get this new stimulus package and wanted me to file his taxes. I did the taxes but I didn't print out the thing for him to sign. The taxes by the way were e-filed he only needed to sign the paper cause I don't have an e-file pin number. My grandmother came over last night and was bitching about I didn't do it! My mother is yelling, she's yelling, and on top of all of that Music Producer is like hurry up...but as he's talking I realize that he's in the car not home sick like he should be. I print out the shit give it to my grandmother, as she's still bitching, I tell her to fall back I get in the car. Now mind you all of this is going down at 9pm. I wanted to be sleep by 10pm so now I'm mad, cause Music Producer Dude was even like well spend the night...nigga please!!!! Just cause you a music producer don't mean I'm giving it up right away!!! I don't give a shit....and that's where I started going more left!!!

Then he calls me as I'm driving like hurry up...yet he still isn't home but he's supposed to be home sick with some throat thing? I'm almost completely left. Then he calls back and all of this is while I'm driving there to some ambiguous place in a town and county I don't know well enough, he goes let's go out to eat. I snapped, wait you are supposed to home sleep why the fuck are you at a restaurant, you told me to come out in a thermal and sweatpants, what the fuck I'm not going there and .... he jumps in and says well just go to my house ... so I snap again go to your fucking house that is on some random ass street and some ambiguous neighborhood? *side bar clearly the word ambiguous was my shit yesterday!!! side bar over* Next thing you know I hear CLICK!!!! So I'm like OK...he lives in a random ass county and their cell reception probably isn't that great. I called back and left a message. I said look I don't know if you lost reception or hung up but you need to call me back. No call back happened. I called my girl Shaun immediately and told her what was going on.

Here is where my theory develops. I think that there are too many woman to men out there and guess what, woman know that so they let men get away with bitchassness. If a dude hangs up on me it's a wrap!!! That's a bitch move...only bitches hang up!!! So I said okay, I'll drive to the restaurant and hit him with a text on his crackberry, if he doesn't answer then I'm hitting the nearest u-turn and going home. I did that. He called me after the u-turn and said okay, so where are you? What are you serious? I said I'm going home, I called you when I reached the restaurant but I'm out. He was like why. I said because I believe you hung up on me. Dude was so bold and was like yes I did. I said ok therefore you're not that sick, you're in a restaurant, you're doing something else, and on top of all of that you hung up on me. He said well you were cursing and you went left real fast. I said ok, I was mad and part of it honestly wasn't for you but you got it. So now what? He said ok well turn around. No dude you don't understand you hung up...if you couldn't stand me on the phone why do you want to see me in person? He sat there and was like well I still want to see you just not when you're left. I said okay well apologize for hanging up. He said no. I said I'm not turning around. He sat there for a second and said ok so what's next are you driving here. I said I'm driving but not there. He then said ok and clicked again! See, another bitch move....dude can loose my number now! I don't hang up on people cause I know how that shit makes me feel but he hung up on me twice and still wanted me to come. See that means he's spoiled and women always let's him gets whatever he wants!!! Not a good look, then you have a bitch of a dude! There should only be one spoiled person in a situation/relationship/fucking. See with me and 30 there's only one spoiled person who can go left, hang up and stuff like that and THAT'S ME!!!! I know this for a fact cause I've gone left on 30 at least 3x now and he has sat there like a man took it, apologized, and we kept it moving!

Dudes need to get over this bitchassness that they are on, I'm not that chick. I know there are too many woman out there and if a woman pisses you off you can just move to the next. Well guess what guys, I get offered dick everyday!!! I may look cute and innocent on blog or my photo but my swag is crazy. Dudes come at me every day...I don't need just one particular dude and I don't have to sit around and take crazy shit!!!! I get offered dick every damn day...now you hung up on me...be ready to know that you can never speak to me again!!! Grow up, get over it cause I went left so what!!!!

I'm So Mad I Have to Blog!!!!

2008-04-12T21:17:00.004-04:00

That's right I'm mad. I'm a pretty calm person and I barely get mad!! I mean don't get me wrong I get mad but I don't get angry where I want to argue or blog at that!!!! So here's the problem. Last night 30 came up from Philly to stay with his mother. She wanted him to fix some things around her house. So I picked him up from the local train station cause his car is acting up. I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner and he said no that he already ate but I told him that I cooked. He asked for a plate. I made the best shrimp, broccoli, and linguine. I packed it up, picked him up, and we headed to his mother's house. She was conveniently at work. I sit in the den and started to watch TV. His mother's dog *side bar which compares nothing to my baby Bamboo...yes I have a dog, a Lhasa Apso...I know, you just knew that I had a toy dog side bar done* came in and I started petting him. 30 came and sat next to me. He thought the dinner was good but what happened next? Well, I ANOTHER ALLERGIC REACTION but this time, this time, this time my two eyes swell up and shut! YES DAMMIT THEY SHUT!! He yells 'oh my God. Okay, let's get you home so you can take the medication the doctor gave you." But me not wanting to be dependent on him, I say no, no eat your dinner I'll drive myself home you're fine. So I drove approximately 3 miles home with one swollen shut eye and another swollen eye but forced it open. I got home jumped in the shower, took 2 benedryls, 1 allegra-d, and slapped some more of that allergy cream all over my face and neck. By the way, he saw the allergic rash on my neck and said wow!

So here is where I get mad. He said okay babe stay home go to sleep I'm going to go out with my cousins and come sleep with you later. I agreed but he called me at 2am and 2 benedryls and 1 allegra-d does not equal waking up for any noises. Long story short, I slept alone for the first weekend in a while. So I go to internship today... *side bar I only have 2 more days of internship left meaning I graduate in 4 weeks!!!! Yay, no more Grad School!!! side bar over* and I texted him and he said that he wanted to do dinner and movies after he was done getting fitted for his tux for his cousin's wedding and doing some of the things around the house for his mother. I get home at 4, still no 30. At 7pm when I was done washing my hair, blow drying, curling, and primping, still no 30. At 8 when I woke up from my nap, gave myself a pedicure, grab something quick to eat and let the dog in, still no 30. Now it's 9:15pm and I call 30, he says hey babe what's up. Let me go back so you get the full reason why I'm mad! My Godmother called me today and said she was having a spring bbq! My Godmother's family and friends are the best and I always get a gift when I go...well I turned her down at 3pm when I was told that I was going to get a movie and dinner tonight!!! So I'm heated now!!! Cause my Godmother lives about an hour away and it's 9:36pm!!! What the FUCK!!!

Now it's 9:36pm and he says, I'm sorry I didn't know you had cancelled plans, I just got home. I'm going to talk to my mom real quick to see what else she needs to me to do. What time do you want to go? My reply was what? No you fix your schedule and get back to me. He goes well I really wanted to see that movie, then his thoughts trail off somewhere. He asked how long I've been home and I say since 4:30pm. He then says what about Sunday? I said no, cause Sunday is my day where I set up for my party. I guess he thought since I spend most Sundays with him it would be alright for a Sunday date, but I spend Sundays with him cause I'm in Philly...I will not give him my Sundays in Jersey!!! He said to call him back in 10 minutes he'll have a schedule then...It's been ten minutes and I've called him already...He didn't answer!!! Okay, so here it goes down. I don't do let downs and I don't do schedule rearranges. If you ask me to do something I'm there don't have me waiting around all day... Having me wait causes you to loose what you like the most, me! I walk away from people who are not sensitive of my time. That's it...I'm officially not feeling 30 anymore!

Ebola, Rashes, Missing Gums

2008-04-10T09:13:00.003-04:00

My friends all know that I'm the sickest person alive...I don't mean dope!!! I mean I'm the sickest person alive! I'm always SICK!!!

The first time I knew that I was sickly was when I was in college and I got a nasal infection because my roommate refused to turn off the air conditioner. Then there was the food poisoning from the cafeteria. Then the continuous allergies. Then there was the fractured shoulder. Then there was the fractured finger. Then when I first moved back home there was the time that I had the flu, strepe throat, and bronchitis. Yes, to where I was hospitalized, ended up with a deviated septum, holes in my gums, and a constant asthma pump I have to carry. Ended up having to take steroids to get my gums back right. Then there was the constant throat infections and ear infections. Then the athlete's foot from the pedicure spot. Then there was the psoriasis roseasha (did I spell that right?) which started off looking like ring worm but was in fact a rash from stress that I now have to monitor regularly so it never comes back, basically keeping my stress levels low. Then there was the multiple bladder infections. Then the kidney infection.

And finally, yesterday morning I went to work and my coworker said ill what's that on your neck? I replied, is it a hickey? Coworker said, no bitch...it's some indiscriminate rash!!!! That's right now I have some random ass rash on covering my entire neck...and it might not be a rash, cause it doesn't itch, it's not spreading so now I just have all these rash like bumps all over my neck!!!! WTF now! So I'm going to the dr. to find out if I'm okay. Every time I go to the doctor, I have to say don't judge me but I got something else. My doctor cracks up, but really does he think I'm dirty cause I'm always sick? I don't know how I get all of these things...my immune system is just weak as hell!!!! This is my life, I work, play, school, party, work, get sick then repeat! It's so bad that several of my friends from college call me Ebola Girl!!! Someone help me!!!

My job has new policy that they have to know why you are calling out sick. If you provide a dr. note you have to have on it why you are out sick and how long you will be. If you call then you have to tell why you are calling out. I was so mad when they said this...that is a violation of my personal health rights. And trust me I argued it in the office meeting and it didn't seem to go anywhere. So I decided that I would make them regret trying to come up with that particular policy. Well, when I noticed the rash I immediately called the dr. got the appt. and called my supervisor.

My Supervisor yes Cherry's Kid.

Me I have to go to the dr. in the morning so I need a half of day.

My Supervisor why?

Me I have a rash....do you want to know where?

My Supervisor um no, just fill out the paperwork

Me you sure cause I could come show you too!!!

My Supervisor no, I'm good. Just fill out the paperwork.

So I'm going to the dr. now...inform you guys of what Ebola virus I have now!!!!

Am I Sprung?

2008-04-08T23:15:00.015-04:00

T-Pain - I'm Sprung
Uploaded by Fifty-Dirhams

Yes how did I get here? That's the question I am asking myself today!!! I mean really how could 30 have me like this? This is how I knew I was sprung today. I had to make a major business decision since that fight at the club on Sunday. I had to basically decide if I wanted to drop one of my partners because the club owner no longer wanted to work with him but wanted to continue to work with the rest of the team.

Well I was confronted with this situation and I did the normal thing. I thought about the possibility of continuing on without him, how would we manage, and etc. Once I was able to conceptualize everything I rode out with the decision but then I felt some loyalty to my boy so I paused and asked the opinions of a close few. But guess who ended up in that close knit group? 30! Yep that's what I said...I consult 30 on what I should do. He basically gave me the same opinion as everyone else...yes dude is my boy but business is business and I owe only loyalty to my money!

But really? I'm consulting 30 now on my money issues. But he was so supportive to me. He was there for me and I think that's when I started to like him even more!!! Still no butterflies or stomach problems when it comes to hearing from him, just normalcy but still in all, I know that he's there for me...

By the way, did I mention that 30 has a record? Like shot someone when he was 20 and use to hustle heavy but got out before he was ever got caught with any charges. That's when I knew for sure that there is something about me that screams...All Dope Boys Please Holla!!!! I knew it then!!! I must have some secret scent that only appeals to dope boys that they come from miles away to holla. Long story short, if you want a dope boy, come hang out with me for a weekend, I'll introduce you to at least 5!

Ps. I still don't want kids but I caught myself in class today writing out the names of 30 and mine potential children...damn now I'm scribbling 30's name in my notebook in grad school when I should be learning about Developmental Delays!!!! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!!

Escape to Philly .... Again!

2008-04-07T23:21:00.006-04:00

This weekend I went to Philly and I had another great time!!! It started out a little confusing at first. 30 and I were texting back and forth all week with the innuendos of can't wait to see you and how nice the last weekend was. He said Friday that he wanted to come up to stay in Jersey. I declined his self invitation. I definitely did not want him on my turf. It's not like I'm dealing with anyone else...well I'm open to dealing with anyone else but it's just that I like my space. It's nice to know that I can deal with him when I want to and when I don't. And it's not like I don't want to see him every day....wait I think that is it...I don't want to see him everyday. I don't get that feeling down in the bottom of my stomach where I get butterflies and queasiness in regards to seeing him or even talking to him. It's kind of this normalcy that scares the shit out of me. Why am I so comfortable with him?

I'm not sure if you guys know or not but I'm afraid of commitment. The few times I have been in relationships, serious ones, I was always hurt in the end. I felt like I gave too much. Not saying I want to be in a relationship with 30 cause really we're just trying to see where this is all going...actually I'm just trying to see where this is all going...he for some reason I think knows where it's going. Either way, we went on another group date...*side bar* I'll post about that later because do I really have a stamp on my head that says every date I go on for 2008 needs to be a group date? I haven't been on a single 1-to-1 date since 2007. *side bar over* Okay, so we're out to lunch with his friend and female friend of his friend. We're all talking and they are basically like, when are you getting married...It felt so awkward. They laughed about how he was going to be the 60 year old in the club. Okay, so he'll be 31 this year...I just turned 25 in January, and yes although I graduated high school and college early and if you ever had a substantial conversation with me you would pit me as 28...but the fact of the matter is I'm 25!!!

Moving along, last weekend at lunch...*side bar* why do all of these crazy comments come at lunch on Sundays? What is the Lord trying to say? *side bar over* his sister says aw a baby is staring at you [to me] that means you're going to have kids soon. I said no I don't think so...but in my mind I'm like please I avoid children like the plague!!!! Child are like cancer!!! I'm good...then she turns to him and says when are you going to have children I need nieces and nephews...he starts to laugh.. All of these comments he laughs off! What the hell? Why are you laughing who are you in love it? It can't be me! I might have turned you out or something but damn come on now...sexual satisfaction does not equate love! I mean we just got over that awkward first beginning shit you know. Now we're just having PDA. Which by the way I do not condone public displays of affection, don't hold my hand, don't kiss me, matter of fact can you walk at least a 1/2 foot to the left or right cause you're invading my personal space if you don't. But for some reason it feels so natural with him. We were in the club [Fusion] Friday night and he put his arm around me [big no-no but I didn't stop him didn't feel too bad] then he kissed me on my cheek...IN THE CLUB!!!! And what did I do, blush!!! Very shocked at myself...normally I would immediately back up ask what the f*ck was wrong with him and probably go to the bathroom and wash my face! Okay that's a little extreme but it's me!!!

Wait I think I just worked something out in my head...why am I worried about them asking him that? No one said he had to marry me? No one said he wanted kids with me? Look at me jumping ahead in my own head! Maybe I do like this guy? I don't know! I'm so confused...where is the butterflies, the sinking stomach, the .... why is this feeling just so normal...is it supposed to feel normal? I've always questioned have I ever been in love before and if I haven't how will I know what it is when it comes. See dealing with any guy I've always had the butterflies, sinking feelings, and giddiness...with him...I have normalcy. It doesn't feel routine but it feels just like a regular damn day in the neighborhood...Where is Mr. Rogers when you need him to explain something to you with the damn chu-chu train?!?!?

Why Hood Is Like Oil to Water

2008-04-07T09:10:00.004-04:00

I did see the 30 this weekend but I'll post later about that...My hand still hurts from punching a dude and a my face hurts from getting punched by a chick. Okay let me be more specific. I promote parties as a side hustle to make money for graduate school. Anyway, someone approached me and my team a while ago to throw a party on my night. I never do a collaboration on a Sunday night...my team does it dolo [solo for those outside of Jersey]. But the money they gave was right and the shit they were talking about their type of crowd fit mine. My crowd fyi is very 30 and up and I mean like no shit talking, just came out for a drink and to vibe to some good music, no problems, everyone knows everyone, hugging laughing all that.

Well last night was not that type of night. First off, I get there late because I left Philly late. By the time I get there my team sets up already with the other team. I walk in the door check everything then open my doors. There is two girls at the door. One taking money for one group and another taking money for my group. The type of people that were lined up outside made me want to just shut the shit down immediately but my partners kept saying...give them a chance, give them a chance. Then it happened people was arguing about mandatory coat check, dudes was coming in saying I don't' own a button up...Then one of my long time customers got snuck by a dude. He knocked her ass out. I mean she was passed out on the floor. I honestly thought she had fainted cause it was hot so I went to help her up when her friend said fuck that we pressing charges. I'm like what the fuck happened. The cops came back couldn't find dude cause the girl left without giving us a description.

I shut the door down at 1am then went in the club and went in my vip section to find some girls drinking my liquor and dancing in my area. When I ask them to leave they like you just the coat check bitch. I'm like no ho!!! Yes HO!!! I'm the fucking promoter this my shit...matter fact fuck that get the fuck out!!!!! Then some dude comes up to me like you can't throw them out and he gets in my fucking face. Oh I'm so heated just typing this shit!!! So I get them the fuck out then I get my peoples in their VIP spot I leave cause I'm like fuck it I'm back to the door. Then dude grabs my ass and says hey. N*gga get the fuck off me. So I grabbed his arm and said don't touch me. He grabbed my ass again so I snuck his ass!!! Then the bouncer threw him out!!! It was like what fucking crowd is this shit!!!!

Then at the end of the night, the guy we let jump on the party with us his boy got drunk and was arguing crazy hard at the door all fucking night long!!!! It was so annoying. Then the party is over. We're handing out the coats...a fucking fight breaks out. I get pinned between two coat check racks...The fight comes into the coat check I'm on the floor I get back up and half the coats are gone...people started snatching coats...I'm like Oh Shit!!! At the end of the night this one girl's coat was gone and she argued with me. I was like were you here when the fight was in the coat check? She started saying she was going to fuck me up, she was going to take my coat, do something about it. At the end it was like fuck you bitch do something then...and she did...she hit the shit out me!!! She got thrown out too. And did I mention...the other team ran out without cutting us a share of their money!!!!

I'm so mad...never again...never ever ever ever again!!!! This is why the hood can not come to the suburbs. I maybe sounding a little classicist but honestly this is why there isn't shit in the hood now cause they don't know how to act! And don't' get me wrong...I'm from the hood...I grew up in Newark, NJ then Elizabeth then moved to the suburbs...but the thing is...if you hood and you don't bring drama we cool but all that unnecessary drama is the worst! And I didn't have an attitude with anyone...my partners were on that fuck you shit last night I was trying to peace everything up. In the end the dude hit the chick cause he was high, the girl hit me cause she doesn't' know how to express her anger, the two dudes were fighting over beef from 6 years ago, and I hit the dude cause I don't want to be disrespected!!!

I'll do a post about my weekend later after I calm down...just had to get that off my chest.

30 Year Old Adventures

2008-04-05T13:24:00.003-04:00

I'm was sitting here stalking all my friends in my head...yes the other Bloggers that I call friends in my head...Like I think we would get along in person if I actually knew them. Anyway, I just realized that I did not post what happened last weekend. I'm a little different, my real life friends actually read my blog as well. Let's just say I'm pretty bad at returning phone calls and sometimes text messaging situations can just get too long so I just blog and friends call me and comment. I'd prefer some comments on here too but I digress.

Anyway, last weekend was one of my Auxiliary Sister's Birthday. She has a boyfriend who lives in Philly so she decided to spend the weekend with him. I called and told her that I would come down so that we could go to dinner, her, her boo, 30, and I. She said cool but she wasn't sure what her dude was planning for her. I spoke with him and he told me the plans so it looked like I would just be spending the weekend with 30. After internship on Saturday, I got my hair done, packed up some quick items and drove down to Philly. I got there about 8pm. When I got there he lived in a nondescript neighborhood in an apartment building which was pretty nice with door service. It wasn't Center City like he described it but it was 5 minutes outside of Center City so I can't hate cause he wanted to call it that. I was so nervous...I just kept thinking, what if he's not feeling me!!! What if I'm fat!!! What if.... He met me at the door and walked me upstairs. We get to his apartment and it was immaculate!!!

Some of my girls knew that was going so the first thing I did was texted them..."either he lives with a female and she's out of town or he had an interior decorator"...my one friend wrote back or he's bisexual! I almost laughed out loud. There was a dude sitting on the couch that I didn't recognize. I got introduced to him, he was his barber. He put a movie on his 42" flat screen television, took my bag to his bedroom then got his hair cut in the kitchen. That's when I realized he was full of himself. The barber cut his hair then left. 30 said, I don't wait in barbershops so my barber comes to my house and cuts my hairs. I thought negative 1....you're not Diddy even though you look like an exact replica of him, you're not too good to sit in the barbershop. Then he sat down and asked what my friends had planned. They had texted during his hair cut that they decided to do a low key night inside the house. So I told him and he said that he had a nice Caribbean spot that he wanted to go to with me. We leave and go to dinner. He stated that he wanted to spot at some shops on South Street. We did and every store we went in he knew the person. On top of that every time we left a store he had to tell me who the person was, what they owned, and how they hooked him up. Negative 2....why are you name dropping, I don't care who you know...I'm trying to get to know you.

We went to dinner but as we were walking down the street his sister calls out from a car, 30! He tells his sister and her date to meet us at the spot. He then proceeds to tell me their relationship history. That was when I was like, dude is really nice, he's sweet, and stuff but what the hell!!!! And it hit me, he's insecure and clearly my lack of speaking and nonchalantness is killing him and he doesn't know what to do with the space of silence that is between us. It's not that I wasn't feeling him because I am...it's just that I'm quiet at first to get to know you. Negative 3....he felt the need to fill the silence with words.

Dinner was nice and I went with his selection of food choices but I hated my dinner. He was understanding and stated that it didn't' look like I liked it so he was sorry for suggesting it. I said it was cool, it was nice to see his style that's all, that's why I tried it. His sister was a little standoffish. That night was great. Of course you know it went down!!! And that I have no negatives or complaints. The next morning was even better!!!! Then he called his sister....

I can't stand group dates. The next day we went out shopping and to lunch with his sister. She was better and we actually held conversations and were making jokes with each other. I enjoyed it. We lost her for a moment and took a walk by ourselves through the park. It was beautiful! That's when I really started to like him. He stopped name dropping, he stopped showing off, and then everything was fine. Oh did I mention in the morning but he took 3.5 hours compared to my 1.5 hours to get dressed. Lunch was great and long story short...it was a nice weekend with it's ups and downs. He's on his way up here now...can't wait to see what happens...I'll post later

I've Never Gave Much Insight

2008-04-05T09:11:00.003-04:00

I never gave much insight into who I am... I've been pretty anonymous about what I look like, what Tri-State state I live in, and other things.... I realized I did that because I felt like my job would be conflicted or I would have some type of problems. But actually I don't care anymore!!! Because the job has annoyed me that much!

Here it is...this is who I am. I am a 25 year old woman, who may seem whore like but I just like alot of boys!! LOL! I live in Jersey, I work for a Gov't Agency where I do investigations on people, and I go to Grad school and I graduate in 1 month and 13 days!!!! And I'm an event planner on the side. That's me! It's it..and the photo on the side...that's me too!!! Except my hair is brown now and not black but it's me, my hair is still in a ponytail...LOL!!!

Who am I kidding, you know I'm no one special no need to hide anymore. No need to hide anymore but I don't care about the nature of my job anymore. They have annoyed me to the fullest potential that I'm willing to quit with no back up plan! Pause! I know I won't do that but damn can they get off me for a minute. I sit in an office with 14 other investigators in cubicles about 2ft by 5 ft and we talk. We go to each other's desks and talk we meet in the streets and talk, we go to lunch and talk, we go to clubs together. Shit we just all hang out but it seems like the supervisors don't want us to be cool. What I don't understand is why do they want to fracture us? We are investigators who go out into the world and are threatened by people every day, we get an id card and subpoena to walk around with and that's it!!! We have to be cool with each cause we need each other. I don't have a gun or a bullet proof vest! What if something happens and I need to call one of my co-workers to meet me somewhere. The supervisors don't leave the office to go out into the counties we do so I need my coworkers. Long story short they said that I talk too much to my other investigators and it is hurting their work! This is where I get mad! Why the f*ck are you addressing me...so what if I talk too much. I'm at MY desk, doing MY work, handing in MY work, you should address the person who isn't getting work done. You should tell them to talk t me but don't tell me not to talk the most you can do is say don't take so many breaks. And that was the exact statement I made and now...well let's just say now the Union is involved and they won't be f*cking with me again. But over all what the hell!!!

Now I never gave much insight...but this is my life besides all the party and bullshit that I do!

I Can't Let Go

2008-04-04T23:08:00.002-04:00

I wrote the post earlier today and I've been thinking about it all day!!! I can't let go.... I honestly can not think of one relationship that I have let go of. I am still involved with every single guy that I had a meaningful relationship with. I don't me I'm still involved like I'm still having sex with him. I mean I'm still emotionally tied to that person, either we're friends, we're still dating, I'm friends with their girlfriends or the girl they're dating now...either way...I'm still emotionally tied to them. I didn't think that was wrong until he called today.

The other day I contacted the changer to ask for some help on a charity event I'm planning. He gave me some pointers then hung up. He was very nice which was weird because we last spoke it was an argument. He called today to say that he can no longer speak with me, will not help me on the charity event, and prefers that I never contact him again. I was so shocked and surprised but I guess I understand somewhat. But I was mad that he said this. Like how dare you tell me that I can't talk to you, almost like an ownership type of role. Is that fucked up? I think so!!! Anyway, I agreed and I don't think I will be calling again.

What triggered all of this? My dad called. My dad lives out of the country and has since I was 3 months old. However my mom has always loved him like they are still married even though she's been remarried twice. My mom continues to talk on the phone with him, date him from abroad, and often go and see him. My dad that is. I think that the problem is that my parents have modeled an unhealthy way of breaking up because technically they have never let go of each. I think the problem is that I don't know how to let go. I go away for a while but then I always come back to foster some type of friendship. I don't know if I subconsciously think that if my exes aren't my friends then some way or another I'm loosing out but I need to let go. That's it I'm doing it! I'm going to let go. The next guy that it is over with well fuck it....it's just over no need to speak or be cordial afterwards. Shit I'm still holding onto my ex from high school helping him out in his marriage!!! I have got to let go!!!!

For Some Reason I Still Think He's Mine

2008-04-04T09:14:00.005-04:00

Hey it's been a minute...but I wasn't really doing anything...I mean I was going out, hanging with friends, shopping and shit...but honestly nothing interesting has happened. However, I thought it would be nice if I just let you guys know just f*cked up in the head I am. I have weird thoughts you know?

There was a guy I met when I was 18 years old. Ok here is some backdrop for you. I graduated high school at age 17. I started college at 17. At 19 years old, I was a junior in college. Okay now that that is clear for everyone we can proceed. At the time that I met this dude I was 19 and he was 18. He was a senior in high school. Please refer to the sentences above before you go urrr? He's about 5'9.5"...I like either short guys or really tall guys like 6'7"...weird I know....yellow, curly hair, and just BUILT!!!! Okay now that I've just started to fantasize about him! Wait I need a moment to myself!!

Okay moment done, anyway, so we'll call him Chico Stick! Boom! So Chico Stick had one of those mom's who just basically didn't care, he was dealing with a chick in college, he had a job, and got good grades. And my mom was like you're grown as hell, so Chico Stick was always at my mom's house when I was in college. Whenever I came home from college he was there. I mean whenever!!! Spent the nights, family events, you name it Chico Stick was there. But some how or another we lost contact and I fell in lust in college and stopped calling him or dealing with him. I moved back home and needless to say I haven't seen him until recently...ps. been home for like 4 1/2 years now. So he's a firefighter...did I talk about this before did I give you the details on him or did I just mention him. Where here's the f*cked up shit!!!

For some reason I think he still belongs to me. As much as I complain and yell, "he's not yours you're not his girl!!!!" to my friends and you guys, my friends in my head, really though Yo dude is mine though!!! Okay, so I throw parties...I'm a promoter...I let people in for free all the time. Chico Stick hit me up one day and was like yo you doing such-and-such's birthday party and I said yeah at XYZ Lounge. He said how much are you doing it. I said Chico Stick I'll comp you and your boys don't worry about it. He argued like naw don't do that whatever. I said no it's nothing. I should have known there that something wasn't right. I get to the party...I'm in the VIP and I look up to see Chico Stick and there's a chick dancing in front of him. I'm not possessive like that....I didn't want to run down and be like who dat....I fell back and laughed. I said oh that's cute she's dancing with dude that I'm about to go home with. Then it happened, she never walked away from dude. I walked past to check on people ask them how they were doing and shit and I grabbed his arm. I said hi how are you. I turned gave him a quick hug and side cheek kiss and she was still close up on him. That's when it hit me!!!! That's his girl. I didn't talk to Chico Stick for a week!

For real dude, I comp you and your boys but you bring yourself and your girl how shady is that. I checked the comp list later that night but he didn't use it...but still you shouldn't have taken me out on dates that I obviously thought were dates and you have a girl! Why do dudes go out with girls on dates when they have a girlfriend? I don't need no more male friends...I got enough dammit!!!!

So last night I go to an after work mixer that I do 5pm-11pm grown & sexy North Jersey...ps. X-Factor if you're in the area come thru to the events some time....He comes thru with his boys after he asked me for directions. They are all like Yo Chariferg!!!! I'm like hey ya'll and this muthaf*cka here. He was like yeah I have a girl, I'm not like other dudes I'm not going to lie. So Craig [Chico Stick - Craig is not his real name] why you calling me Craig!!!! For real though you calling me, taking me places, but you got a girl! He said well we lost contact but we here now!!!

FOR THE F*CKING RECORD - IF YOU HAVE A GIRL WE CAN NOT BE FRIENDS NOT IF I WANT YOU IN MY BED SOME DAY!!! How can I be friends with someone when they touch me I'm looking for the nearest bathroom to jump their bones? And why are you touching me...you know what that does to me!!! Oh I just want to give you a back rub...that is the quintessential way to say, I want to f*ck but I want to be nice about it and not come off as a perv so if I get you to undress by rubbing you, you'll f*ck me and feel good about it in the morning!!! Long story short though...he's still mine...if he wasn't he wouldn't be calling me...and that's my f*cked up mentality, I know he has a girl but I'm still going to go after him hard as hell!!!

The 30 Year Old is Moving On Up!!!!

2008-03-28T01:40:00.002-04:00

So who is the 30 Year Old? He's a guy that I met. He went to my high school but like I said he's about 5 years old than me. If you need a visual...think of Diddy's Younger, Sexier Cousin! No seriously, that's what he looks like.

He's really nice. He is so sweet. But what confuses the hell out of me is that he actually wants to be in a situation with me. Meaning he wants to date me exclusively. It's so random. Lately, I've been dealing with dudes who just want to be on my team that when someone comes at me seriously and not just talk but seriously sending me flowers and gifts to my job it's like whoa! Whoa! This dude is for real. So I am actually taking him serious now.

Would you invest so much time in someone you hardly knew? Or is that the idea, invest the time in someone so that you get to know them? I'm just scared. The Basketball Player has my mentally fucked up. Is this what I want at this time? Do I want to date someone exclusively or do I enjoy the single life and all the fun I'm having? I guess that's what I have to ask myself before it gets too deep...am I ready for this? Am I ready to actually fall in love...the Changer has me bugging!!! Is love really love or is it just you changing? Am I ready to fall for someone again?

Can I Slide Down Your Pole?

2008-03-26T18:56:00.005-04:00

The title is so scandalous but that's how I feel about this guy right now....hold on let me relocate to the living room...my mom doesn't like to read but she does I want her to wait til I'm done.

Okay, that's better. Now the Firefighter.... Okay so I don't remember how I met him...but I know that I did. I met him when I was 19 and he was 18 years old. He worked at Best Buy at the time and I was in college. He thought it was so funny that I was in my third year of college and he was just graduating high school. That's right people I was baby genius...I guess...okay so I wasn't a genius but I was really smart. I started college at age 17. He is so cute, about 5'10", light skinned, curly hair...if you caught him in the wrong light you might think he was Puerto Rican. Long story short it was fun while it lasted then we lost contact. I don't remember if I slide down his pole or not but he claims I did but boy do I want to now!!!!

It was 2 weeks ago and I saw him at a party. We were both so excited to see each other. It was like "Oh Wow Cherry's Kid!" and I was like "Oh Wow Firefighter!" LOL! We were laughing, took some photos together, and exchanged numbers. So we've been texting back and forth but last night was so sexy!!!! Last night he asked me to meet him at a Cigar Bar. Now I've never been to a Cigar Bar before and I was nervous but I was like fuck it...if I want to slide down his pole I got to be up for the options! I met him at the Cigar Bar...it was nice.

I walked into the place and all of the men turned around... I did the sexy "Hello Gentlemen." All of the men were like wow. He immediately jumped up and escorted me to a table and we sat and talked. I'm on antibiotics so there was no liquor but we had a good time. He got a nice flavored cigar for me. He cut it and lit it for me. It was good times, we watched the game, and flirted. And I asked the question, when can I slide down his pole!!! He said whenever I want to!!!! But the unfortunate part is...I already slid down his pole but I don't remember...so is that bad? was his pole bad? was I bad? damn...do I want to slide down his pole again just to find out if it was good or not? and how can I judge 18 year old pole compared to 25 year old pole? I'll keep you posted...I think I just made slide just to find out!!! LOL!!!!

You're Benched!

2008-03-26T18:51:00.002-04:00

Okay...so I haven't been around for a good week or so but I got sick! I got really sick! I got sick to where I thought I had something and was about to call that nigga til I realized it was some shit I did to myself by not drinking water!!! So I'm back...just wanted to give that little announcement...kids drink more water! Now on to what's going on.....

I'm benching the MVP...That's right I said it... He's getting benched. Now why is that? Okay so I've met someone people I've gone on some dates and I basically been chilling. He has all of these chicks coming out of the woodworks so it's just like this...bench him or get benched myself. Now we all know I'm the dominant center. I go for what I want when I want it! So if I can't have what I want then I work extra hard for it. Long story short, I'm working hard for something that isn't going to give it up to me. So I digress....I'm benching him for now...until he shows some progress...until he gets the other players on the team under control...I'm going after the 30 year old and the firefighter...Oh wait did I not tell you about them...okay next post!!!!

You Stole His Money? What?

2008-03-21T08:27:00.003-04:00

I know I've been gone for like a week but I don't want to just give up everything and then have nothing to talk about. So this is what had happened....LOL!

I went to this after work mixer and I was chilling with my associates. My homegirls never go out anywhere unless it's a special occassion. Two men walked in looking very wonderful and daper in their sweater vests, ties, button ups, jeans, and dress shoes. Each had on diamonds but that were non-descript. My immediate thought, ball player, ex-ball player, or drug dealer trying to be reformed. They stopped by us to speak to one of my associates who knew them. They introduced themselves. I was definitely interested in one who was not interested in me while the other one was interested in me. So I said fuck it you take what you could get. Plus, I'm not trying to be with you in a relationship. Immediately, Ciara's song starts to play in my head. "what if I had a thing on the side/made you cry/would the rules change up or would they still apply?/if I played you like a toy/sometimes I wish I did act like a boy" So he starts to talk to me and buy me drinks. Next thing you know we are all on our way to the strip club. I've been to strip clubs before and not the one with male strippers. Who wants to see that, plus all the straight men are in the strip clubs with female strippers anyway!!!!

Before we go to the strip club we stop by his apartment because of course, me with the little bladder has to pee. I jump out of my car and follow him to his door. Did I forget to mention that we followed him to his place but his boy was driving, the new BMW convertible. Yeah, either current ball player or dope boy. We get to the house and we go inside. The apartment building was a regular one in a regular town. Not a ball player that has a name, maybe a bench rider, still gets paid though or a dope boy! We get in the house and there's carpet. Side Bar, for those who don't live up north, there's no carpet in most apartments up here!!! Okay, so there's carpet, wall sculptures, flat screen tvs, everything in a pretentious order, food in the fridge, and bags of money inside of ziplock bags in the freezer!!! Dope Boy!!!! Damn!!!! How do I always end up with Dope Boys? Is there a big fucking sign on my head that says fuck with me if you sell drugs? Anyway, he was trying to be flashy by pulling out the bags but he grabbed 6 stacks of one dollar bills which totalled to $600 in cash. We head out of the door.

The strip club we head to is in the weirdest place ever, under the bridge to New York City. That's right it's fixed right under one of the wing spans. We get to the strip club, my associates, him, his boy, some girl that met us there, and me. We walk in and find a seat at the side of the bar. For some reason he knows everyone in there. As we are there I noticed that one of the strippers looks familiar....I went to high school with her! He gave his boy two stacks and gave me three and kept one for himself. He brought everyone a round of drinks but I decided to drink soda, just so I could be sober. By the way, did I mention I went to the after work mixer in a suit from work, so I was still in a suit in the strip club which by the way the bathroom for the women was in the dressing room of the strippers!!!! WTF!!!! So I tipped her, tipped myself, and tipped my associates. So I'm tipping myself and tipping everyone else. I'm acting real drunk but I'm so sober. We go to a diner afterwards, but everyone left me alone with him. I wanted to leave to but he kept saying stay longer. He even tried sweet talking me. Telling me how special I was and stuff. But little did he know that I already knew what was up. Don't try to talk my draws off of me, just take me to the crib and smash cause I'm not calling you again. But because I have about $300 of your money stuff down my bar and pants then I already know what I have to do. We eat at the diner and they know is name...by the way I told you Dope Boy! We go back to his house and he falls asleep!!! What the fuck!!! Why are you wasting my time dude? I have to go to work in the morning. I was hoping he would stay asleep til 7 am but he didn't.

He woke up at 4am and asked me to join him in the bed. I did but kept all my clothes on. He tried taking them off at 6am. Then my phone rung at 7am. Because I was so not interested him. Wait let me go back, I was having a good time, he was cute, and I was interested but it was the sweet talking, or should I say the talking too much on his part that fucked up him getting any ass. When men talk to much they don't realize they look full of themselves and it spoils us wanting to give them some ass. My phone rung and it was my homegirl. We talked the entire time that he did whatever it was that he thought he was doing. I stayed on the phone the entire time. He nutted, I got up, took a quick shower, got dressed, put my number in his phone and walked out the door. I called my homegirl back and she said oh I know dude, I fucked him too. That's his game plan. I told her that I knew that was his plan. Then I told her that we were going to dinner and possibly shopping cause I stuff $300 down my pants. By the way when we first got back to his place after the diner, he went to the bathroom, the money had stuff down my bra in the strip club I put in my inside, hidden coat pocket before he saw. When I got home the next morning my mom asked if I was selling drugs or stripping. I said neither, just got quick hands. She said I can't believe you stole his money, I said no I was given it. We counted it and it came up to $325. Damn, $325 a night, I wonder how much I would make if I actually wanted to be a prostitute?

That's It I Quit!!!!!!!

2008-03-07T22:51:00.005-05:00

That's right...I quit!!!! He has made it too hard for me! I'm done...if you read the last blog then you know where I'm at with this!!! I'm done!!! I can't do it anymore. Yes it's great that he calls me from Australia like every other day...and yes it's great that he responds to all my emails. But seriously, I want this dude and I can't have him. I guess I really got this way when I saw her friends at the club last night and felt it was imperative that they be nice and speak with me and be giggly like I don't already know who I am. I feel like they were just rubbing that shit in and it made me feel some way!!!! I still feel some sort of way about it, maybe it's my screwed perspective but still, them bitches don't know me but felt the need to hold long conversations and try and take pictures with me!!! Fuck that!!!!!

I can't have him on many levels. #1 I know that if I had him in the end I would just cheat on him. #2 I just want him more than I actually would because I can't have him and I'm sharing him. #3 He has that swag that I oooo soooo love!!!! #4....Can't I just like the dude!

Long story short, I need to cut it the fuck out!!!! He is in fucking Australia...what the fuck is going to happen from Australia. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to be his girl, I just don't wnat him fucking with anyone else. I want him all to myself!!! Period, end of story! Now why is that so hard? I know what you're going to say, did you say something to him? Did you ask dude about this? We had that long talk before he left and the answer was Baby Steps. I enjoy Baby Steps, I just hate Baby Steps when I know there is someone other girl involved. Long story short, I'm insecure now because I found out about her. And I know that you're going to call me a hypocrit because here I was giving out advise about forget about the other woman and play your part. I still stand by that shit!!!! Don't get it twisted, but there comes a time when you have to stop and say fuck it get rid of that bitch or I'm out! Now is that the time for me right now? I'm not that sure and i'm not going to step up and ask for it now, but I know or a fact if July 2008 comes and this bitch is still around we have a problem [PERIOD]!

What The F*ck!!!!!!

2008-03-06T17:27:00.002-05:00

That's right what the f*ck!!!! I deal with this guy...I'm single but there is one guy that I have been dating so far. Apparently and a couple of posts back, I found out that he was dealing with another person at the same time. I don't care but I care when I find out. Not saying that I want him to myself because I love the option to date other people. What I don't like is the fact that sometimes I'm reminded that she exists. I mean don't get me wrong even if I didn't know about her I would know that there was someone else but it's the fact that I know that it's her in particular who exists. I liked it better when I thought that it was some fat chick and I never knew what she looked like.

Anyway, today I checked the myspace. When I was checking my page I noticed that he changed his profile picture. And guess who is in the picture with him...HER!!! What the fuck!!! Okay so why have am I mad. Here's the thing, this morning when he called I told him that yes I accepted the fact that she existed but I don't want to know shit about her and I don't want her flaunted in my face...but now look what has happened...his fucking myspace page has her in that shit. It's just her and him in the photo. That's some bullshit!!! What the fuck!!!! I'm mad!!!!

Feedback is Wanted

2008-03-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what shows you guys watch but I like to watch different shows. I just had the following questions about some of the shows I watch:

1. What happened to Cashmere Mafia...that was my shit!!!

2. Making the Band is hot this season...I'm not mad at Diddy this time!!!!

3. Diddy is getting a Star on the Walk of Fame?

4. Is this new season of College Hill really going to be good?

5. Rodney from College Hill VSU is sexy as hell!!!! Damn he got a baby though...LOL!

6. Why Dawn don't want to give Q none?

7. Is Coral really going off on the Gauntlett?

8. That new fox show where you answer personal questions correctly for money is the shit!!!! This lady was asked did she invite someone to her wedding that she had sexual relations with...LOL...WOW!!!

9. College Hill Atlanta? I'm not that sure about that...

10. Boondocks....All I have to say!

11. Does this season of America's Next Top Model seem whack or what?

12. Is that girl on ATM Dominique is she black, white, makeup yellow color, spray on tan? I don't know!

13. Am I the only person who loves the deaf, mute guy on Family Guy?

14. American Dad is ok but nothing will ever replace Family Guy!!! Plus the talking fish doesn't replace a talking dog!!!

15. Have you seen Lucy Daughter of the Devil...I'll wait til you catch up

16. Damn, why none of my shows start before 9pm?

17. If they have Girlicious now...what happened to the girl who made it to the Pussy Cat Dolls last year?...Where are you Asia?

18. Word JT, you're on College Hill where you cheated on your girl and etc but you qouting bible verses? Well I guess I can't judge...

19. Qoute of the year, Idesha...I guess him having a girl is his problem not mine and hers but not mine.

20. Word, after you finish College Hill you get pregnant or get someone else pregnant? Let me find out!!!!

Tell 'Em Why You Mad Son!!!!!

2008-03-05T21:49:00.002-05:00

I'm mad about a lot of things right now. Originally I was going to blog about my night last night. Some of you know and some of you don't but I promote after work parties and club parties on the weekends. Basically another team tried to bump me out of my spot by having their own night at my spot but it's okay cause that shit got shut down. I was originally going to talk about the foolishness that they had going on but honestly they had no foolishness. They had a bunch of young people there, which they called Young & Sexy....WHACK...and they didn't have that many people there so they probably didn't make that much!!! Long story short nothing to blog about....however I got something new to blog about.

The other night or day I should say, I came home and .... yes I still live at home but that's because I'm saving up to buy a house... my mom was home. She asked why I was coming in the door at 9am, why wasn't I at work, and where did I get all those singles from? Actually she asked if I was selling drugs, my body, or stripping because she couldn't understand why I had so many one dollar bills. So this is what happened.....

I went to this afterwork party and I was chilling with my homegirl. In walks this dude with his boys. My homegirl knew one of the guys so they were chit chatting. The other dude started talking it up with me. He was refilling my cup and talking so I was cool with that. After he spent about $30 worth of drinks on me and my girl he said let's go to the strip club. I said cool. So myself, him, his boys, and my homegirl go and get in our cars. We head to his house first because I had to pee really bad! And when I say I had to pee really bad...I mean that burning sensation because you can't hold it no more and you would pull over in an OPEN McDonald's drive thru just to let it out!!!! We get to dude's house and he lives in an apartment building, nothing to swanky just the average in an average town. We walk in and it's fully carpeted with art sculptures on the walls...by the way we still don't know what his job title is. The living room is nice, nice leather couch, bar in the corner, and a christmas tree...yes a christmas tree was still up... Homeboy said he was too embrassed to take the tree out because it is March.

I pee then my homegirl and dude hits up the fridge. We're asking if he's ready and if he has water. He pulls out two water bottles and three zip lock bags of ones. Yes you read that right three zip lock bags of one dollar bills nicely stacked on one another. He then pulls out of the zip lock bags 5 stacks of ones which totalled to $500. He gave three stacks to my home girl telling her that those three stacks were for her homeboy and gave me two stacks. I took the money and put it down my bar. We left the apartment after that. Now I'm a pretty smart girl...I don't care what you do for a living, nothing that is legitimate would have you keeping your money in zip lock bags in your crisper of your refridgerator!!!!

We hit up the strip club and I blew all the money on the strippers...and some of it went down my shirt, my pants, and my hidden pocket in my coat. Afterwards we went to the diner. My homegirl and everyone else in our party left. Then I realized I was going to have to give him some. That's right as we were eating I decided I was going to have to back it up because I just stuffed $100 down my pants...LOL!!!! But here's where things get funny, we walk in the diner and the waite staff knows his name!!! They all yell out hey Dave, but what the hell!!! If the money in the fridge didn't give me a clue, then the fact that the diner staff knows you then that means that you have late nights as well.

Well we get back to his house and I thought I would be able to get out of backing it up when he fell asleep on his couch. So when he fell asleep and spilled his beer all over himself and the floor I thought I was cool and I left him sleep like that. I went to sleep on the couch too on the other side. I thought was good but something at 6am woke his ass up!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN GINA!!!!! So he's like well you can sleep in my bed...so I agree with all my clothes on. Here's the thing it's not like wasn't cute but he talked too damn much about shit that was irrelevant plus we all knew what it was...a one night stand. So stop telling me I'm so important, I'm the new thing in your life, and how you want to be with me, cause none of that stuff is true!!!!

Long story short...that's what I'm mad about...play your part nicca!!!! if it's a one night stand it is what it is cause I'm not trying to be with you anyway!!!!

ps. I saw him last night at the club...he started to walk right towards me...I hit up the exit for the bathroom break hard as hell. I think when he saw me look at him and then take the side cut I think he caught the hint........................finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Men, play your part if you want us to play ours!

40 Acres & A Mule Please

2008-03-03T08:36:00.003-05:00

The title so does not really represent what I'm about to write about but it also so does. Let me give some background first before I go into details. All I ever wanted when I was growing up was to be some high powered big shot professional woman living in New York City. I wanted to go to college in NYC. I wanted to live in NYC. And I wanted to date a man from NYC. Well I went to college where everyone had or thought they had an opportunity to be given 40 acres and a mule to survive after the Civil War. I went to college DOWN SOUTH. I went to school in Florida. I went to the whitest of white schools where the black kids were still protesting for their civil rights. All of that has calmed down now and I say that because they have changed the criteria of acceptance so they are no longer accepting people like me who barely passed the SAT from a low income area with low test/gpa scores. So there isn't much to fight about because every one is basically "equal". Yeah right there is always something to fight for there. I digress. As I move on, I say that once I graduated all I wanted to do was to live in the South. To be exact ATL. My parents gave me 3 months of a full ride in my 2 bedroom/2 bathroom townhouse after I graduated undergrad. All I had to do was get myself a new place, a job, and move there. What did I do? I partied for f*cking 3 months...My parents came down, packed my ass up and back to Jersey we moved. My original plan was to save up a enough money and move back. But then I started grad school, saving money wasn't an option, and I started to get roots here.

This is where I'm going....when I was with my ex...the one I changed for....well I always told him I wanted to go back Down South and you know what he told me...well since we're together then you would have to break up with me because I don't want to go. We were talking about marriage. F*ck it, we were living together!!!! He told me that he would not relocate for me because he didn't want to start a new job all over that he had already built his life here and if I wasn't happy I needed to leave. Shit, well I'm glad I did! That was a constant argument of ours. Me wanting to pursue my dreams and him telling me to go on my way to do them alone because my dreams didn't involve him anyway so why should he go with me.

The other night we spoke, he and I. He asked if I saw the lunar eclipse. I told him no. He said that he was in Georgia visiting family and a friend. He had no friends in Georgia but he had family. I immediately knew that it was another woman. I wasn't mad because of that. I was mad that here he was after for 2 1/2 years he told me that dreams of living Down South were too far of a stretch and that I should do them on my own. He was now involved with another woman who just so happened to live in GA. I tell you, life's a b*tch. I'm not mad at him though. I feel sorry for her...I hope she knows what she is getting herself into. In the end, I left him. I'm still here in Jersey...not sure if I want to leave yet. Like I said I made some great connections. But I will never let my dreams be stifled again!

I'm not stalking you...I'm just calling you everday!!!

2008-03-01T21:09:00.004-05:00

That's what I feel like she is saying to me...okay let me start from the beginning....

Almost 10 years ago I met a guy who was cute and nice but was involved in some drama, some real he say she say shit. Basically some chick in high school was claiming to be his girlfriend when in actuality she wasn't. He liked me, I liked him but I wasn't interested in the drama so I never answered his calls or called him. We lost contact...we got on with our lives and we met again a couple of months ago. We went on some dates...we hit it off...we had fun...he hit it...i hit it...shit we had fun!!!! Long story short he left the country for business until July.

This is where the drama starts. On Monday at 5:30am some woman began calling my phone. I thought it was him. Like I said, he's out of the country so I wasn't sure if he knew the time here. I answered the phone and said his name..., "hey ---- do you know what time it is here baby? are you calling me cause you miss sleeping in the bed with me? i miss sleeping with you but you know my bed is more comfortable than ours". Then the phone hung...then the calls came in 6x in a row until 6am...then they stopped...then they started again at 8am...then 7x in a row...then stopped then started again at 11am....and at 2pm...and at 5:30pm, 6:30pm, 7:30pm....and so on!!!!! It's been like that since Monday! And she's not saying shit....she just coughs or presses buttons and that's because I started answering the phone and just putting it down and letting her chill on the line...I don't give a f*ck...I don't pay that cell phone bill anyway!!!!! At first I was completely going out of my mind but now that I've figured out who it is it's just funny!!!

It's the other one...like I said before when you're single you're allowed to date more than one person. But here's the thing, I'm not sure she understands the meaning of single. And even if he was her boyfriend why is she bringing this damn drama to me. She acts like he told me they were in a relationship....here's where the lesson begins. Women, we can not get mad at the other woman! I REPEAT....WE CAN NOT GET MAD AT THE OTHER WOMAN!!!! You don't know what the f*ck he told her!!!! Like I said this guy is great, wonderful, perfect, I'm not ready to be in a relationship now however if that is her man...shouldn't she be stalking him!!!!! Shouldn't she be mad at him? Why the f*ck is she calling me? And what does all this damn calling accomplish cause the m*thaf*cker is still in a different country until July! Shit, here's a piece of advice....start stalking me again in July when his ass is actually in the United States! Be smart about the shit!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!! I'm straight laughing at you now!

Crossroads

2008-02-19T13:00:00.003-05:00

I'm definitely at a crossroads in my life. I'm not sure what I want to do with my career. Here I am about to graduate...Thank God!!...in May but I'm not sure if I want to stay at my current job. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I love the money I make. But the thing is really, honestly, I don't want to work in the summers anymore. That's right I want off in the summers, so I've been thinking about going into Education. Don't get me wrong my field is needed in education. So I did the research, I just need to pass Grad School and get the job then I'm in!!! LOL!!!

A Valuable Lesson

2008-02-17T18:03:00.006-05:00

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend... So there's this guy that I like and let's just say there's some distance between us. Long story short we left it as what --- doesn't know won't hurt ---! I like it that way. I feel like you're cringing already but it's cool. This is what I call baby steps. Yes it's not great to start out this way but hell I'm good with it.

But this is where I learned my valuable lesson. I was told that he may be involved with someone else as well. But you know these are the things that women think: We think once a guy is involved with two women at one time then we must be the side chick. We also think that everything is going wrong.

But here is what we don't think: Did he spend time with you outside of the house, was your time ever interrupted by anyone else, do you know other important people in his life? Once you can answer all these questions with a yes then you are not the side chick. If you're not his girlfriend, if you're not exclusive then why are you mad? Why can't he have two chicks at once. You could do the same thing you just choose not to!

Long story short, this is the valuable lesson I learned! You're not #2 and you're not #1. You are a partner in the firm!!!!! The partner can't be up to her best potential if she's worried about what the paralegal and secretary are doing!!! Get over yourself!!!! Cut the selfish shit out!!! I love thinking about it this way!!!! I'm smiling you should too!!!!

ooooooo....drunken emailing....the new drunk dialing...

2008-02-15T10:32:00.004-05:00

Yep...I did it...I drunk emailed last night. Okay so I don't celebrate V-day but I do celebrate my girl La's Birthday....yes her parents were freaky 26 years and 9 months ago. She said 26 years and 10 months ago last night...we were drunk...I asked her if her family was elephants because I don't know any humans having babies after 10 months...

Anyway, my friend and that's all you're getting on that is away on business and so I checked my emails and he emailed me...I responded drunk as hell telling him how much I missed him. Blogger Family, he's only been gone since 2 days ago. So sad right? Okay, but I'm not going to fix it. I'm going to leave it out there and see what happens. Fuck it, right? If he doesn't know me by now or get to know me then screw it, it wasn't worth it.

Is drunk emailing the new thing? Did I start a trend? Atleast I'm not out there showing my Brittney. Isn't that ashamed, now Brittney will always be associated with not wearing draws and whenever you do see someone without them someone will say I see your Brittney!!! Just for that, when I have kids none of them will be named Brittney!!!

Long story short...I'm still drunk and it's 10:34am the next morning. I'm trying to get myself together to go to work late as hell as usual. Anyway, I'm out got to feed my dog!!!!

Am I Supposed to Pursue You?

2008-02-07T22:29:00.001-05:00

This is the message that I wrote to my girl Zette...I'll post her reply soon... But truly what do you think?

Hey Z,

I was thinking tonight about something and I know that you do the BIG Guide so I wanted to pose this thought to you to see what you thought. Either way, I don't think guys in this age know how to pursue women anymore. I think that there is so many woman in ratio to the available men therefore it makes women become the pursuers.

Okay so let me give you some background. I'm interested in about 4 different guys but there is only 1 who is actively pursuing me. He asks me out, spends time with me, and has introduced me to his family. Although I'm not ready to get serious, I feel like I'm being pursued. However the other 3 guys really call after midnight and ask if I'm available. Are you serious dude? Is it really that many available women where you can only deal with ones after midnight. And even more why do you keep calling me asking me out to your house after midnight and I consistently tell you no call me before midnight. So if that is the case why don't you realize that I want more than sex with you and if you haven't had any from me.

I don't know Zette maybe I'm off base here and maybe I'm not I just feel like I am now the one pursuing guys. We exchange numbers but if I want to go out on a date with them then I have to ask because if I don't then all they are going to do is call me after or around midnight. That's bullshit. Men don't know how to pursue anymore, how to woo, nor wine & dine. It's just a theory of mine. The ratio of men to woman has changed and Men have lost their swagger and have forgotten to pursue. Am I wrong?

~C

ps. and don't have a career you love because then you have no time for them and the only reason they call you that late, according to them, is because you were busy earlier in the evening with your career!!!!

I'm Tripping Seriously!!!! But I Really Want an Apology

2008-01-26T04:34:00.000-05:00

I had a long week this week. A very long week. First off I started my final semester of Grad School. I went back to work after a 3 week vacation. And I was hanging out with a certain someone that I have not spoken about on here and I refuse to at this time (PERIOD). But in short...I had a long week.

I get off at 5pm. At 5:30pm I was still at my desk trying to make sure I had a headstart for Monday Morning. At 6pm my other coworkers, doing the same thing, were like ok let's go. We all pack up and head to the door. One went to use the bathroom, the other was still gathering his things. As I waited by the elevator my phone gets a text message. It reads, "What's up." The number was not recognized by any of the numbers in the phone book. By the way I've had the same number since sophmore year of college. So i replied to the text, thinking it was the cop I was flirting with earlier so I wouldn't get a ticket who stated that he didn't want my job number and was going to find me to talk to me again, "who's this?" The response came back "Ant". I said out loud Oh Wow!

Let me give you some background history. Ant and I dated for a year when I first came back from college in 2004. It was great but the problem was we were dating and I wanted to be his girlfriend. His problem was financially he wasn't where he wanted to be and didn't want to be in a relationship until he had something established. My response to that attitude was posted in my earlier posts but I can't seem to find it now... Women will always be there to build with a man while a man just wants stuff built first then the woman can come along... Any way... long story short why are you popping out of the wood works now some um 3 years later.

So he proceeds to ask me questions about my family, my life, etc. Then he says, I've been sending you all these emails and I felt like I had to just hit you up. Last month I saw that he forwarded me something but I just ignored it. I didn't think anything of it but, 'oh how is he doing.' I ignored the emails because they were forwards so I thought he was forwarding his entire address book, I didn't know it was intentional. Then I responded as if I hadn't seen the emails, what emails. He said never mind then proceeded to want to know if I had a myspace. Long story short we exchanged myspace and then I see his profile. It says, In a Relationship.

This is where I get confused. Why after all of these years. After I was willing to stick it out with you but you were pushing me to the left, you are popping up to say what? Hello? I don't need hello? I don't want hello? I actually want an apology....no ... Yeah I want an apology. Shit I had a complex for a minute afterwards. So my question is am I supposed to care that you are doing well? Am I supposed to care? Why do you want to be my friend? You didn't talk to me for 3 years what do you want now? I don't know maybe I'm reading too much into this. Di had a post about reading too much into peoples' actions. And Walt wrote an article about miscommunication. Now that I think about it, I'm miscommunicating. I'm hurt. I was always hurt. I would have preferred if he never contacted me. I got over him or atleast I thought I did but now that he's contacted me I feel some sort of way about the whole situation all over again.

You Have Potential...Hell So Do I

2008-01-20T08:15:00.000-05:00

I said that very statement the other day to someone.... you have potential. My friend MA, she knows who she is, wrote something to me the other day. She said that we as black women have to have faith that the one we want will come along and that at the end of 60 years we should be able to sit back and say did he make me happy. I pose this theory to MA and you my blogger friends.

Now don't get me wrong...I didn't develop this theory over night. This is something I have been working on since the break up. Here it is: Oh And Don't Judge Me!!!
My Theory: Black Women get into relationships with Men [race doesn't matter] for the potential they have to make her happy. Yes that is my theory!

So how did I get here and why. No problem, I'll explain it. I had internship yesterday and I sat back and listened to the other interns and the supervisor and we just talked. Four black women at different stages in their lives talked. Our supervisor, 58 but so truthfully and will check you when you aren't true to yourself. Intern T, 28 married expecting child. Intern S, 27 single raising a family member on her own. And myself 25, single with a dog, living at home.

Every single one of them except for our supervisor said that the current relationship they were in with guy, when they first met him they only saw potential but since he has been using that kinetic energy [that potential] and actually doing something then they fell in love with that man. That's Bullshit my supervisor said, "black women need to get this fair tale, Cinderella sweep me off my feet dream out of their heads". When she said that it rang so true for me.

We get into relationships with people for the potential they have. We see they are turning their lives around. We see that they are attempting to attend school. We see they they are trying to do something. But the thing is, potential doesn't get you anywhere. So what if a guy has potential? That doesn't mean he is going to realize his potential nor does it mean that he will even want to achieve his potential! See we get into relationships thinking the goals someone has will always be achieved and we will live happily ever after. SIKE! Potential is just want it is defined as:

po·ten·tial Pronunciation Key - [puh-ten-shuhl]
1. possible, as opposed to actual.
2. capable of being or becoming.
3. Grammar. expressing possibility: the potential subjunctive in Latin.
4. Archaic. potent1. –noun
5. possibility; potentiality: an investment that has little growth potential.
6. a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.
7. Grammar.
a. a potential aspect, mood, construction, case, etc.
b. a form in the potential.
8. Electricity. electric potential (def. 1).
9. Mathematics, Physics.
10. someone or something that is considered a worthwhile possibility.

In that definition do you see anything about how potential is actualized? NO.... I'll say it again....NO YOU DON'T!!!!! So I say to you, potential is just that, potential for something to happen. Potential for someone to make you happen, potential for something great! But also potential for something not to work out at all! Men with potential are great but men who have actualized their potential is what I want!!!

potential. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved January 20, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/potential

A Second Chance? IDK

2008-01-16T01:12:00.000-05:00

I know ... just by looking at the labels below you think that I've met someone convict incarcerated as a pen pal and now we're getting married although he is serving life... WRONG but close...

Do our black men serve a life sentenced although they have completed their sentences and "turned their lives around" by becoming contributing citizens to society?

Let me explain further, do we relegate our black men to meaningless and subservient relationships because they completed a prison sentenced. Tonight I was on a conference call meeting with my fellow Auxiliary members. We were discussing business but once the meeting was adjourned we started on the fact that there are many black men who have re-entered society however young, savvy, professional black women over look them due to prior incarcerations. Now I'm not talking about the career criminal. I'm talking about Rasheed who always hung out with Mutah. Mutah got into a fight was carrying a gun but has prior charges, Rasheed, to help his boy out held the gun for Mutah. They got pulled over and basically Rasheed did 2-3 years for Mutah his boy. Had he had not done that he would have went to college or a trade school and met his potential. Now do we count this brother out because he decided to be loyal to a friend. Or do we give a second chance by engaging in a relationship with him.

That's my cross road at this time. Don't get it twisted. I'm not in a relationship and I'm not looking to engage in one. But I'm interested in someone. He's interested back. I want to take things ultra slow, but he has a record for that exact scenario. Trust me for a living I investigate so I did a thorough investigation without his knowledge. But what do I do? Do I hold it against him because he made a foolish mistake at 18 years old. Or am I understanding because he now works in a Fortune 500 company and is going somewhere?

If you were me ... what would you do? Better yet, if you were him would you want someone to count you out because you made a mistake. We're all human, we make mistakes - period! Why does love have to fail now?

Do We Compromise Ourselves?

2008-01-14T18:08:00.000-05:00

Recently I listened to a podcast done by a college friend of mine. Zette has the B.I.G. Girl's Guide to Life http://bgguide.net/ . I often read it and listen to it. Recently she had a podcast with several people that I have associated with briefly in college and it was nice to listen to their breakdown of the Black Female Ego. It was very interesting and thought provoking. I applaud her and them for it!!!!

My question to you young, black, savvy, professional women.... do we compromise ourselves for our professional lifestyle. Do we compromise our love lives because the selection of professional black men are not compatible to us? My last post was about men taking our numbers and not calling us...but the underlying issue in the post was that there is a shortage of young, black, savvy, professional men! This shortage is basically to the fact that there is a 15:1 ratio of men to women. I love myself....but I can't keep loving myself by myself for the rest of my life...

My question is how does your love life survive with such a ratio taking into context the previous post and now?

Why You Talking to Me Then?

2008-01-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

I had a birthday party recently... Actually I had 3! I normally do that. I take off the week of and after my birthday and party for that long. A couple of guys asked me for my number over the weekend. We all know I'm single now.

Well, I just don't understand men now. Why do you ask for a woman's number if you're not going to use it? I have a theory...walk with me for a minute.

My Theory: There is an abundance of good black women that black men don't have to work hard for a number anymore. We are just throwing ourselves at them. And because they have such a great choice they just gather our numbers like pieces of art and we just sit on pedestals until they decide to call us.

But my major question is why? Why do you need to get my number, her number, and hers then decide who you want to call. I don't do that. I don't go around getting four numbers from guys then wait to call them. If I want your number I ask for it and I use it. My thing is if you're talking to a woman and you ask for the number and you really don't want it then why are you talking to me?

Don't talk to me! If we strike up a conversation you realize you don't want to keep talking...it's a big club...walk the hell away. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, never come back. I don't care just walk away! But don't pacify me by taking my number. That doesn't pacify me. That makes me confused, angry, and self conscious when you don't call.

I just wanted to know why?

It's Been A While

2008-01-14T15:31:00.000-05:00

Yes it has been a while...and things have changed... I know that I was tyring to get myself together but really things just fell apart. So now I need help. Now I have to get things back together.

For the first time in my life I accepted change and responsibility! I cohabited with someone and .... and ... we broke up. We broke up because of me and because of him. I could accept change and he couldn't... When you cohabitate you must do one thing... be unselfish. Change. If he doesn't like your hair change, your food change, your weight change, your job change, your lifestyle change, your car change, change, change, change, change.

Change until you almost feel like there is nothing left of you. Until you're timid. Yes me of all people timid. Shit...read the back logs! I'm in no way timid but I am now. Change until you can't remember what your first name is. Change until you realize that you are no longer you!

And that's what I did...I changed and changed and changed and changed ... then one day this haze came over me and I realized I was the only person who changed! A relationship can't grow if only one person is growing and changing. So ... so ... I left. I left to find myself to find me to be happy and now... I'm lonely but I'm myself.

So I say to ... if you're the only person growing and changing then you don't need to grow and change you need to take a good look at the relationship. Talk about the changing and the growing and if there is no reciprocation... then leave!

I'm BACK!!!!

2007-05-31T22:17:00.001-04:00

So I've been gone for almost a year now...okay so my math is bad...so what! Anyway, a lot has changed.... I'm no longer single! That's right... I GOT A MAN.

DRAMATIC PAUSE

THAT I LIVE WITH!!!!!!

So my life has changed. I moved up in the working world, I'm almost done with higher education, and most of all I am cohabitating!

Cohabitating is a whole new interesting thing. You have actually try to work with someone else. Your kind of dirt and mess is not the other person's dirt or mess. And well, that's the problem so far! We are totally different people. He likes socks and shoes everywhere and I like dishes in the sink when I'm sleeping. He freaks out if the AC is not on and I can't stand that cold!

So is it working? Of course it is... I can't go backwards...I'm like used shoes...you can't return them once you've worn them or at least who is nasty enough to? That's the question you have to ask. But the one question people are always asking me is..."When are you guys getting married?"

It's as if cohabitating is so wrong. People do it all the time. This is my theory behind cohabitating... why get married to someone you don't know. You don't know someone when you date them. If you don't go on vacation with them, if you don't live with them, if you don't know their friend & family you do not know that person! If you think marrying someone without living with them is going to work then try it. Try it and call me later! Later after you divorce. Not that I'm wishing that on you! It's just that you must be in a relationship for years and I mean years [10 or more] then you don't know him! All I'm saying is you have to live with someone to learn how to love them....what do you think?

Things to Remember

2006-04-30T22:19:00.000-04:00

I'm slowly going through a self-realization...and those who really know me have actually recognized it...at first I wasn't ready to admit it but over time I've come to recognize that I'm changing...growing up and understanding who I am...Since 19y/o I was comfortable with my body but now I'm just becoming comfortable with my body and my mind and how they work together! I'm becoming me...with that over the past couple of years since I've turned 21 I've gone by some ground rules in life...I say these life lessons over and over to myself everyday and I decided I should share some with you...maybe they can help you with life as well!

The END justifies the MEANS

Give it your all no matter what!

You can't function without music ... life flows to music you just can't hear it

What are your billable hours! (always have inside jokes)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY

Don't quit, quitting never completes or comes to an end once you started

Ask what you NEED to know not what you WANT to know

Don't get mad over things you can't control you can only change the things you can control...all that other stuff is just circumstantial for now

I'm too old to settle for things I don't really want

Game faces get you everywhere in life

Stick to the plan and everything will be fine, but remember the plan is always subject to change

My Crazy Easter Weekend

2006-04-17T12:58:00.000-04:00

Sunday Night: I slept til 5pm when my coworker woke me up and asked me to go to the movies… we saw Scary Movie 4…don’t go see it! It’s horrible! They needed to stop after they made Scary Movie 3…there were some good parts…I got to listen to her argue with some crazy dude about crazy man thoughts…then I took it to the crib…and at the end of that weekend someone still said I was boring cause I wouldn’t hang out with them on Sunday night before I had to go to work!

Saturday Night: I woke up around 2pm had an argument with crazy man from Baltimore…he really thinks that I’m into his craziness…who wants to be with someone who wants them one week but hates them the next? Not I! Anyway, got my toes done then got kidnapped by Stupid, who I had to tell for the 2nd time that I thought he was stupid…to be honest Stupid sounds like he didn’t even graduate from college but to be honest dude graduated from College Magna Cum Lata (did I spell that right?) Anyway, after he fed me and put money in my bank account I went home….Later that night I went to the pool hall with the boys but when we got there…there were these chicks they invited that I wasn’t too interested in hanging out with them so I left…I went home to sleep…I heard the boys had a crazy night cause they took the girls back to the block to the ‘house’ and who knows what went down there…

Friday Night: I woke up around 1pm and went shopping with my homegirl…she tried on everything in the store and brought nothing…doesn’t that make you mad when you shop with someone like that? Ok so my homegirl hosts parties sometimes so we went there and hosted the party with her like we were “it”…then we got drunk had French fries all at the club … this one guy got real drunk and he ended up fighting his own brother in the club then ran out of the place in the middle of the street and started punching moving cars…ok so alcohol might not have done that to him but who knows whatever it was I don’t want none of it! We then went down to the local bar and kept it moving…hung out on the block with the boys (yes we were the only girls down on Frank Street) like you haven’t heard of that before…okay so sometimes I act like New-New from the movie ATL but we all know that you need a New-New in your life…plus secretly parents are rich! (smile) anyway after that we went to the diner and then took it to the crib.

Thursday Night: Ok at like 12 noon my coworker and I decided it was a long weekend therefore we needed to get something to drink after work and ‘Get Loose’ as TI would say…so we did…we went to a comedy club in Woodbridge…laughed our butts off and then drank…we danced a little … ok my coworker went to high school outside of this country so she didn’t really dance to the ol’ school jams like the rest of my friends and I did but we still had fun…we were home and drunk on our butts by 3am…

9 or Higher

2006-04-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, so what does 9 or Higher mean...well I thought about it the other day and I haven't dealt with a dude who has been rated at a 9 or higher on a scale of 1 to 10 in a minute but I did the other night (side bar - the thing is I go for 7.5s and up because I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with a metrosexual guy) anyway...there is this guy who is a 9.5 and my friends all know him...shoot they've known him since middle school and well...we always saw each other but never tried anything. Word around town was that he was loose and I'm pretty sure word around town for me was that I was a tease or something else (but that's for me to know and you to find out). Anyway, we've been out a couple of times and the stuff was going good we were very honest with each other about the point in time we are in our lives. He stated he has an ex that he just broke up with not too long ago they were together for 2 years but she broke his trust and he doesn't want to be back with her. I told him that I'm chilling and really I have time but don't have time, I like to be spoiled and when guys don't spoil me the way I want them to I walk away. Also I stated sometimes I'm just not that into him after bullshit happens. So after a couple of dates and phone flirting (dictionary - phone flirting - n - numerous phone calls or text messaging that lasts for hours between two parties). WE ended up doing the do...and boy was the do great...actually it was probably the best do I've had in about a year or so. Anyway, I called him tonight...after my weekly coworker date (side bar - my coworkers and I go on dates with each other to the movies we actually enjoy each others' company) he shot me a text back which is normal...but what wasn't normal was the response...."I'm out with my ex now can I hit you back later?"...I said "sure do what you do call me whenever"...but really I wanted to say "why the hell are you out with that sneaky chick?" but I don't have the clout to say that...and really how can I say that I mean they do have a history! So now on a Saturday night ... my date is out with his ex and I'm blogging about it!... I know I can't show him my insecurity because that's part of the reason why he says he broke up with her...So here is my problem now what do I do?

IT'S A WRAP!!!!!!!

2006-03-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

It's definitely a wrap between me and (side bar - the dude we call Ronnie). Why do
I think it's a wrap? Well, okay I had a girl psychosis moment...where we got into a
small miscommunication and I blew it completely out of proportion then I tried to fix
it (side bar - why do girls' have psychosis moments where we take one thing that
happens and assume [make an ass out of ourselves] that it means something totally
different then next thing you know we're breaking up with a guy that we really like to
prove a point!) Okay, so now you can guess what happened...I called myself giving
us some space and time to prove a point....he didn't respond to my antics and I took
it as he was just done then I really didn't know what to do...I called him a couple of
times (side bar - okay, so I panicked and I called him more than a couple of
times...more like 5 times BUT NOT IN A ROW just simultaneously!) ...and he called
me back wondering what the hell had happened to me cause he didn't get any of the
previous messages cause he cell phone died....HAHAHAHA! But then....(side bar -
yeah there's a but then....) he charged his phone read the messages while I was on
the phone (side bar - which was so humiliating) and then told me that I probably did
mess up and that he needs time to process what he is feeling and he'll get back at
me....SO LONG STORY SHORT...I NEED ALL OF YOU BLOGGER FRIENDS TO ANSWER THIS ONE QUESTION.....DID I FUCK UP?

What You Know About That?

2006-03-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

Thanks to ALL of my Blogger Friends who helped me with my dropping out of Grad School sitcheation (side bar- ignorant way to say situation)…anyway, I’ve figured it out…I can do workstudy for my internship….and my job will allow it…I talked to everyone I needed to talk to…there are a few minor details to work out but in all it’s handled! Checheyeah! (side bar- ignorant way to say YEAH!)….

Now on another note….I think I like a guy…I haven’t talked about him on blog at all….we’ve been dating since January and now I think I like…he’s older than me…(as usual) but I really like him…but I’m not sure if this is it…like this is the one? As some of you may know…I have an ex fiancé and well it ended but the way I feel about this dude is different not infatuation, not happiness, not love, but something different…mutual respect and understanding…we truly enjoy each other’s company…. I mean...I don't feel like it's forced...It all just feels so normal like we're suppose to be the way we are like this is natural to feel the way I do about him...more over a friend of mine posed this question to me...what if right now he said will you marry me? and my immediate answer was 'NO, I can't I'm in grad school, my job, my family, my life' then my friend said well what if you said no and then he said it was over then cause he wants marriage and you just want to hang on to him for no reason...my next immediate reaction was 'No why does it have to be over because I don't want to marry him?'....so because of that I think I wasn’t in love with my ex fiancé because I didn't care if we got married or not, I didn't care if it was over or not, but with (we'll call him Ronnie) with Ronnie ... I CARE!... so my question that I pose to you Blogger Friends is this…how do I know if I’m in love?

That's it I'm dropping out of Grad School!!!!!

2006-03-03T16:07:00.000-05:00

For those who didn't know...I'm a graduate student...at a pretty prestigious university in the North East....well I just found out that that school is forcing me out of my studies. I have to do an internship unfortunately, I have to work full time every day to afford school. I know your immediate solution...quit work and take out loans...well for undergrad I went to a pretty prestigious university in the South East (GO GATORS!) so my total debt right now is $63k+ .... (side bar- anyone want to help with those payments? If you got the principle I got the interest!) Anyway, so I work in order to go to school not the other way around. Long story short I can't do my internship on weekends or night time hours (according to the school!). So what do I do? I'm open to any and all suggestions... I can do workstudy but if my job doesn't approve of it...it's a wrap for me! And guess you formalized those words exactly for me? The Dean of Placements/Field Instruction....her exact words were..."well if that doesn't work out then you may have to leave school..." HELP ME PLEASE!

The Federal Government vs. My Student Loans

2006-02-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

Today...I learned the hard way about loans and loan forgiveness programs...basically this is how it goes...they (side bar - who are they? the loan providers) want you to have loan forgiveness but at the same time they don't want to give it to you. So this is what happened! I basically learned that I could have loan forgiveness since I work for a state agency as a Social Worker so I went about it to find out about the New Jersey Social Services Loan Forgiveness Program. I found out some interesting facts: 1. If you work for or as a child care provider there is a Federal Program that will forgive your student loans for your most recent degree up to $20k per loan (side bar - that program was ended about 2 years ago and the administration made sure you knew nothing about it!), 2. If you are a teacher this program will work for you too! (side bar - you have to work in an underprivileged area), 3. You have to have been hired on or after July 14, 2005 (side bar - all of those hired before you're SOL!), 4. You must have earned your degree at least one year before your hire date, no more than that (side bar - if it is now 2006 and you earned your degree in 2004 .... well ... you're SOL TOO!) So how does this really help anyone who is really in their field? Well I don't know but all of those getting ready to graduate and have student loans and work in the social services field or as a teacher in New Jersey ... you better hop on this program now before they discontinue it like the Federal Program was silenced in 2004! PS. Did I say that I hate being in $65k worth of debt? I hate student loans!

I Hate 2-14

2006-02-17T09:19:00.000-05:00

I know I'm late but I hate Valentine's Day!!! Hate it! Not because I don't have a Valentine but because I think that someone should shower you with gifts all the time not just on one special day...V Day makes me think of that one song that the big guy (side bar - can't remember his name...oh wait Rueben!) who won American Idol sung...you know the song where he is constantly apologizing about missing out on things...he even goes on to apologize about missing V-Day on 02-14-03 ... well if the dude has to apologize for all of those things and then on top of that forget V-Day well then dammit you're just not that special! So why are you still with him? And another thing....while I'm on this moment why is it that on V-day every single last one of your Exes calls you to talk about why the two of you should not have broken up? Are they serious...Obviously at the time we weren't working out and today we still aren't working out! So why are you on my phone? I spent my V-Day thwarting calls from my Exes...trying not to make calls to the guys I actually like (didn't want to look vulnerable...because we all know that V-Day is the day that all guys think a chick is just vulnerable is she all on the phone with you while you're not hanging out with her...Obviously she doesn't have a Valentine) and most of all I was sick on V-Day so I overdosed towards the end of the night on 3 packets of Theraflu and 2 Alkeseltzer cold tablets and dreamed about raccoons all night! And lastly, is it just me or is it me...does V-Day make us girls look vulnerable when we call a dude who is not our Valentine?

By the way...had a great time last...hung out with 'the dude' I refuse to talk about him on here because lately every dude I've analyze on here has fallen apart in some way or another... so give me about a month...and I'll tell you all about him in March...just know that he is absolutely nice, sweet, funny, and my friends/family adore him and that's all for now!

Maybe It's Me?

2006-02-12T19:19:00.000-05:00

That's right, maybe it's me! I say this because I don't sweat dudes....that's right I don't sweat dudes! I'm tired of guys calling me thinking I'm going to drop every little detail I'm doing to make sure their life is right.... Okay, case example, on Friday night the weatherman came on TV and said that a Northeastern Blizzard was coming through the night of Saturday and lasting until Sunday. So a really nice guy that I liked a lot until this, well, he calls and is like on Saturday afternoon after you get your hair done you should drive me from NYC to Baltimore (where he lives). I thought about it truly then I thought back to December when it snowed and my rear-wheel drive car slammed into the median and spun 5 times before I hit the median again. All of that in the snow...and I decided to tell him that I couldn't drive him to Baltimore and to find another way there...what did he say? That we had fundamental differences and for me not to call him anymore, because I wouldn't drive him in the damn snow storm from NYC to Baltimore. Second case point...now there is about 3 feet of snow (by now I mean today, Sunday) my bootycall...(side bar - I have a bootycall for those times that I don't want to deal with the bullshit of someone who may be "real" for a little while then fake later on)...but my bootycall called me and said that I should come over yes in the 3 feet of snow...and yes he clearly knows about that accident I had in December ... but overall, maybe it's me! Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that a girl should not drop everything in the world for some random ass guy that she is not involved with? Maybe I'm the only one in the world who thinks that guys should come to girls or make it easier for them? Maybe, I'm the only girl who thinks that I should sweat a dude just cause he knows how to use the penis? Maybe, I'm the only girl who thinks it's not all about sex! So no I don't want sex why should I drop everything I'm doing because you're willing to have sex with me? I'm not that beat! Now if a guy wanted me to drop everything I was doing so that he could give me a diamond necklace, take me out to dinner, throw me a picnic, take me to the moon, then maybe...just maybe I would drop everything I was doing for that! But then again, maybe it's just me?

"We're in a Sex & the City World and you're Prudish"

2006-01-31T13:14:00.000-05:00

On Monday night a guy friend of mine told me that statement so directly and so true..."we're in a sex & the city world and you're so prudish"....meaning...you don't drop it like it's hot. I mean it's cool and all that you meet nice guys and they want to take you out and stuff but after a couple of weeks they see you're tworkin' it (dictionary - tworkin' it - bluntly, fucking) then they aren't in to you like! That's right if you aren't dropping ya draws then he's just not into you like that....I have finally learned that the hard way. So what's wrong with me being prudish, what's wrong with me not wanting to have meaningless sex with random-ass men? So what if I have inhibitions? Why can't I have morals? Am I the only 23 y/o with some type of values? Is it wrong for me to want til I'm married to have children? Is it wrong for me not to want to be someone's babymomma but to want to be their wife (in the literal terms)? Is it wrong because I wait longer than a month to give up my goodies? I mean I've been there I've done that and now I'd like to think that I'm down to earth and that I have reached potential! I don't want to do that anymore so is that wrong that I actually grew up and no one else did?

Why am I a 'Good Girl'?

2006-01-24T12:36:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Usher "You Make Me Wanna"

This is the question I asked myself, 'why am I a good girl?'....So what the hell do I mean by that? I met a really nice guy the other day and we spoke on the phone a couple of times ... I was interested in him...but he's kind of dating someone...they've been dating for a while but they aren't in a relationship just dating...but out of respect for her I backed off like a 'good girl'. If this was about 3 or 4 years ago I wouldn't have given a fuck about her I would have went at him hard! But I've essentially developed a conscious...when he told me that he has been dating this one girl for a little while now I decided that in order to make sure that no bad karma comes to me...I should just back off and let them do them. I did ask him some important questions..."if you have been dating this person for almost a year and she's not your girlfriend but you feel some sort of way about her why are you still getting telephone numbers from other girls?" His answer, "because his boys said not to get caught" ... why do dudes always do that? They always tell their boys don't get caught up when the guy actually likes the girl and then you have the problem of him fucking up his situation cause of his boys. Well, basically, I told dude not to listen to his friends and to follow his heart, that is was great meeting him and pretty sure he is a very nice person, I just can't be his friend because I'm interested in him for real! With that said...I erased his telephone out of my phone book and got mad at myself...why? Because I'm a 'good girl' and I passed up something I wanted in order not to hurt someone's feelings!

Ok...so I'm It!!!!!

2006-01-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my cousin I now have to answer some personal questions so here goes!

Four jobs I've had:
1. DYFS - yeah I said I work for the Social Services Department of the State of New Jersey, WHAT? WHO WANT IT?
2. KidsPeace - did psychological evaluations on new foster parents...isn't that crazy...letting a crazy person evaluate other people
3. looking cute and letting people pay for things...shit that's a job...I had to always have my hair and nails done to look like something...I mean I'd rahter be considered high maintenance...cause who wants to be considered low maintenance or no maintenance at all that means you ain't shit!
4. Fundraiser - for Univ. of Florida...yeah like they need more money..but I did raise approx. $5k for them

Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Clueless...I mean ... I really wanted to be Stacy Dash's character in high school
2. He Got Game...I love Ray Allen
3. Willy Wonka...both new and old
4. and a new one so far...Memoirs of a Geisha

Four places I have lived:
1.Roselle, NJ (it's a small ass town but we gangsta as hell!!!! Come there talking the wrong stuff and you might get hurt!!)
2. Gainesville, FL...if you have never seen the ghetto of the south don't start!
3. Nassau, New Providence, the Bahamas...My grandfather was the minister of finance at one point and my father lives there so every summer I lived there
4. Elizabeth, NJ before I moved to Roselle...elementary school! What you know about live in Magnolia projects going to school #1? You ain't hard til you live in the Port like me...research E-port Posse then holla at the kid!

Four TV shows I Love:
1. Project Runway
2. Who's Wedding is it Anyway?
3. Dancing with the Stars
4. Law & Order (any one of them)

Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Does the Bahamas count? I mean I lived there but I was on vacation!
2. Jamacia...(shottas, shottas, shottas!!!!!!)
3. All Over FLA (Florida Shawty)
4. San Diego...it's was hot but the ocean was cold as hell! Someone said to me, "how the hell you go to California and not go in the ocean?" cause that shit is freezing! Plus I'm too cute for the beach i don't like sand or sea water...fish and people piss in the water who wants to swim in piss water...that's why I don't fuck with pools either...ok in reality I go to the beach or pool to look cute but let a nigga push me in there...man there may be a gun fight afterwards!

Four favorite foods:
1. Nana's Black Eye Peas
2. Any type of seafood!
3. Peaches' desserts
4. gourmet fast food...not McDonalds but like Chipolte

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. Nassau
2. Anguilla
3. South of Greece
4. My bed!!!!!!!

Four Web sites I visit daily:
1. facebook
2. Commerce Bank Online
3. Rutgers.edu
4. blogger.com

Four bloggers who are now IT!
1. Sheezy (the funniest!!)
2. Diana (probably the best ever)
3. Walter (kind of predictable but still good to read)
4. Marchello....(I really think Marchello's would be so off the chain!!!!)

"One Monkey Don't Stop the Show"

2006-01-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

My first day of my spring semester started yesterday....I am now once again a boring graduate student! Being a grad student isn't that boring though, because professors believe you're the cream of the crop that applied so you can basically say and do whatever you want. Especially when your concentration is something so caring like Social Work. So here is what happened...I like taking breaking in between my 3 hour classes, shit who wouldn't right? (side bar - there are those who are true geeks and they don't like it...well more power to you but I'm a slacker geek)...(dictionary - slacker geek - n - someone who is a geek but is a slacker at the same time so they come off as cool but really they are geeks!) Anyway, the professor asked who wanted to take a break after 2 1/2 hours of class and I raised my hand immediately. Plus there are two sections of my course my section has about 20 people in it while the other section has about 30, well I wanted to take a break to go and buy my book since I have homework due next week ALL DAMN READY! But the entire class looked at me like I was stupid and one person, the 'spokesperson' said they didn't want to take a break as a class. I said ok and proceeded to get up get my wallet and walk out of class...the everyone was like where are you going...and I turned to the professor and said I was going to buy my book and that, "ONE MONKEY DON'T STOP THE SHOW!" go ahead keep class going but me... I'm going to get my book I'll be right back. And I was I was only gone for like 5 minutes...didn't miss shit..and still fell back in line..by answering a question as soon as I walked in the door! Now what? Slacker Geek on the rise! But for real why in society do we have to feel all cohesive as if because I want to take a break the whole class has to stop...who the hell am I? I don't run your lives and if I do I feel sorry for them!

Ps. About the 37 y/o he's cool...I cooked him dinner last night...Sausage, sweet peppers, hot peppers (one time for the Caribeans), onions, and tomatoes...it was cool...fell asleep on the couch with him then I went home...everything is going great...according to plan so far...oh what is my plan? Smooth and slow...just to see where it's going!

It's Official...

2006-01-16T00:54:00.000-05:00

It's Official...I'm a year older...that's right I'm older than last year... Normally I have a really big bash and all but this year it was different...I didn't mind if people couldn't make it I understood. For the first time in my life my Birthday WASN'T THAT SPECIAL TO ME! Why? Well, I think I have finally realized that every year I'm going to get older. And yes, I understand that it's a special day and I should celebrate but why should I drag everyone else into debt by making them celebrate with me? So I had a small dinner at Benihana (small because of the snow) and then I went home all saked up (drunk). But in all it was cool and I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Couldn't have done anything better!

Ps. It's Also Official people...I like a 37 year old man! That's it and I said it! Now what? He's nice...really nice and funny and we have fun together... Most of the time we watch tv or we'll go out for drinks...He cooked me dinner a couple of nights in a row. Well...I just wanted to say that...I haven't pondered a future with him or anything...I'm am just going with the flow to see what happens next that's all. So just like you want to know what's up ... so do I...but you know I'll keep you posted! (wink, wink)

He's Old Enough to be your FATHER!!!

2006-01-11T11:28:00.000-05:00

So my Birthday is coming up ... (sidebar-why do people always capitalize the word birthday when they are talking about theirs' ... as if their birthday is more important than someone else's?)... so it's coming and I'm getting older...not that damn older but old enough to say, "you're how old...lil nicca get out of my face" but still not that damn old. And I had a troubling situation...a 37 year old man tried to get at me recently. (dictionary - get at me - v. - the processing of talking to someone in hopes of gaining their telephone number) Anyway, it worked...I know I know like the title says he's old enough to be my father...but what does that say about our culture today when a 37 year old man is old enough to have a 23 year old daughter? And what is really wrong with a 37 year old man...he's not on geriactrics...he has all his teeth, good benefits, good job, nice house, emotionally stable...I mean really now that you think about it what is truly wrong with a 37 year old man? So after two nights of contemplating the situation and realizing that not that many guys over the age of 21 (side bar- I'm 2 years older than a 21 year old, 7 years older if we're only talking mentally) try to get at me anyway...So...So what if he's old enough to be my damn daddy! Shit my real daddy is old enough to be his daddy! (side bar - my dad is 66...one time for the young and sexies (20 - somethings) with the old ass parents!) So I'm going to go out on a limb and will actually try and date Father Time!

ps. My 39 year old cousin told me something important the other day..."once you pass the age of 26 a 15 year age gap doesn't mean a damn thing"...

I Lost My Pocketbook on the Turnpike!!!

2006-01-09T13:06:00.000-05:00

That's right...I lost my pocketbook on the turnpike...so I guess I have to start from the beginning...My friend Tee and I went to this lounge in central Jersey....we were partying there...Drunk as hell by the time we left. When we got there we had to stand on line...which by the wya we have never done in Jersey...EVER! I have never stood on line in Jersey! But I digress! We get in and all of a sudden Tee meets this guy right away and he pays for everything, when I say everything he pays for all of our drinks for the rest of the night. I saw an old co-worker and he paid for my drinks for the rest of the night as well. So needless to say we over drunk what we should have had in the first place. At the end of night...we leave cause this 40 y/o dude was following us trying to holla at one of us it didn't matter who cause neither one of us was interested. We leave the lounge get in the car and laugh the whole way to the turnpike about how people just paid for everything, I pay the toll and keep it moving. We have pee so bad so we're racing home. We get to the crib and guess what my bag is missing. I start to loose it...I'm calling the lounge cancelling credit cards...etc..then we drive back to the lounge they don't have the bag...we go back thru the turnpike toll and Tee goes...didn't you open the door to pay the toll cause your arms are too short? That's right I'm officially too short to pay the turnpike toll so I have to open the door to reach the turnpike worker! But her comment made me think what if it fell out then? So we back up across 6 lanes of traffic looking for my bag. Then I get out and run down the the turnpike to the little turnpike office...The officer inside called a couple of the turnpike workers one guy found it! Nothing missing, nothing broken...needless to say I now know I need EZ-Pass!

Happy Holidays

2005-12-27T15:58:00.000-05:00

I can finally say Happy Holidays...I'm finally getting back into the spirit! I had some incidents happen over the past couple of weeks and stuff...RIP my cousin Mark! Always and Forever! It takes a while for people to mourn...in the past my cousin did a post about how he doesn't cry at funerals and stuff and at that time I thought it was a family trait I just thought we were too hard for that but this past holiday season I lost one of the few people who actully believed in me! My inspiration for law enforcement and everything....(this hurts to write but helps me feel better). He was everything good and bad all rolled in one! The funniest person alive and the life of any party. If you had the chance to meet him you would instantly love him! I let my loss get in the middle of a lot of things in my life and for a couple of weeks I was a bitch! I have to take back what I said about my family not being able to cry. When I loss my cousin I didn't leave my bed for a couple of days! What hurts even more is the fact that many people just kept calling me...to tell me the scandals of his death...with all that said I just want to thank those who were genuine with their concerns!
Happy Holidays to ALL!

Dro Smoke in the Air!!!!

2005-12-02T10:23:00.000-05:00

Listening to Jadakiss "I Get High"

I never realized that I used to be chief-ed out all the time (dictionary - chief-ed out or chiefing -smoking some illegal cigarettes) the reason I say that is because I didn't know that I was! But obviously I was! How do I know, well ever since I moved back to my home town a lot of people have been saying, "do you remember me?" And everytime my reaction is, "Who the FUCK is you?" That's right "is you"! But anyway, I know my girls and I use to be chief-ed out but damn I didn't know it was like that. I think I started chiefing when I was around 15 or 16 the same time I learned that some lil sucker boy can sweet talk your panties off of you! But I never knew that we was on it like that. I mean we was chiefed out but damn. So what prompted this revelation! The 100th person asked me if I remembered them today and I could only answer, "No cause you don't look the same but of course you remember me cause I haven't changed much!" Knowing damn well that was a lie, I don't know who the fuck he is! And I hope I didn't offend him but it's true! Who the FUCK is you?

So I pose this to you guys...Did you chief out when you were younger? Do you still chief? What was the best time you ever had chiefing? And do you remember most or none of the people you have met in the past before you turned 18? Just something to think about ... you can post comments if you like!

I Don't Give a F...

2005-11-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Listening to Gwen Stefani - Luxurious

I realized this weekend that I like older guys, and how did come about you ask? Well, I had two seemingly weird dates this weekend. One was a set-up and the other...well he intrigues me so I go after him when I want him.

One: My friend T wanted to go and see this guy she met at a club in NYC on Friday night after we had been at the bar for the past couple of hours drinking. Not heavy drinking but we were drinking. I think I had two cranberry and hennies, she had two white wines, and we ate a lot of food. For those outside of the Tri-state area, you can buy food (good food at that) from bars. Anyway, she calls him and sets it up. She says, you know I don't want to come out there by myself so my girl is going to drive you should have one of your boys around. So we get out there (side bar - we're in china town right by the Manhattan Bridge and you can't make a left turn on Bowery from Canal Street. Well, we needed to go on Bowery so the light turned green, I pulled into the mid section and paused looked around for cops and then took it in front of a cab! No no ticket or accident isn't that amazing?) Anyway, the guy I met was so nice he was 34 with a 13 y/o son and he was (not the son the father) was cute. We had fun just cracking jokes and poking fun at each other. He asked if I always interrogated people and I said yes....(side bar - it's the truth ask anyone who has talked to me in real life or on the phone it's just me) Mostly, I don't give a fu*k about what people think of me I ask whatever is on my mind, obviously I'm asking because I really do want to know. I ask about kids, were their kids a mistake or planned, about relationships, jumpoffs, mistakes in life, prison sentences you name it I will ask it!!! Long story short, we exchanged numbers, talked briefly on Saturday, and that was that...

Second night out...I went to a wonderful housewarming...Congrats Tish!!! Anyway, after that I dropped off L (she's having my God Daughter), then J and I went down to the bar in the hood. When I say the hood I mean the HOOD!!! Anyway, can't give out too much but he is so standoffish, quiet, sarcastic, and mean and I love it. What's more important is that I know how to stand up to him. How do I know? He told me that! He said he likes the fact that when he says something to me it doesn't make me run it makes me stand up to him. He's nothing to me he's trying to be so hard but in reality he's soft as all hell to me... *laughing*

Anyway what I pose to you is this question... Why do older guys like younger girls? And why do younger girls always seem to intrigue older men, they seem mystified in our presence or am I just being narcissistic?

I'm Back!!!!!

2005-10-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

So I was gone for a minute due to some issues I was taking care of... Ambiguous right? Okay, so here it is and here is how it went...

*Phone Ringing*
"Yo" ~him
"Who is this?" ~me
"Who is this?"
"Where's M?"
"Yo is this C? Yo M got cuffed last night!"
"Who is this, I don't know this M dude! How did you get his phone?"
first rule when dealing with a trap star...YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!!
"Yo this is his cousin and I'm picking his stuff up from the station."
"How did that happen?"
"Yo I don't know, but his bail is $100 K...He told me to ask you if you got anything on it."
silence from me
"What do you mean what do I have on it? I don't have anything on sh*t! I don't have any money."
"Yo well I'm gonna get at these spots to get him out you should make some calls and see what you can do!"
thinking in my head...who the hell am I?...what calls can I make?
"Alright get at me when you get something together, I already have 7k all we need is 3k more."
thinking in my head...we? where the hell did WE come from?...is it b/c I'm his main chick now all of a sudden I'm apart of this family thing?
"Alright C?"
"Okay, I'll call you back, I'll see what I can do."
I roll over and go back to sleep

He did get out that night but no real help to me...essentially he was let go...I don't know why but I think they are building a fed situation from him... So I'm back right, so here it is.... I think I have finally out grown my need to chase the bad boy...I think I'm ready for the real...but where are they? I have met some real character dudes out there but most of the time guys what the perfect picture. What I mean by that is that they want everything straight in their life before they come at you on some relationship stuff. So they want to be stable in their career, happy with their car, life, and etc before they bring you in to it. While women just want to share their life experiences with someone special in their life! So what is a girl suppose to do? Wait for dude to get ready for her? And what happens is dude is ready and then you're not ready for him at that time? Well, I met this guy again. I say again because I knew him briefly in high school but I wasn't that close to him...Anyway, we'll see how this goes but long story short, is he really ready? Or is this just a trial run before the real thing?

I Hate Driving

2005-10-12T09:18:00.000-04:00

I literally hate driving but I do drive all the time because other people (in my mind) can't drive. I only trust a couple of people driving me places my friends V, Q, Tish, Ruth, Nicole, my Mom, my ex from the nation's #1 thugged out city Camden, and that's it! No one else not, even my father. My mom doesn't even trust him driving...not that he drives bad he just drives ignorantly. He got into the intersection one time and the light was yellow (by the way going only 15 mph) and then was like oh I should stop...so he stopped!!! A truck was aiming for them fast as hell, my mom had to shout on his ass, "Move the m*thaf*cking car now before we die!!" He did but he was scared of my mom for a little bit after that. You know old people.

Anyway, this is what happened after I went down South Jersey to see Camden (side bar - not the city, my ex... NO ONE IN JERSEY GOES TO CAMDEN UNLESS THEY WANT TO GET SHOT, KILLED, STABBED, OR CARJACKED ON PURPOSE!) Anyway, on my way back I was on the NJ Turnpike, when I got to exit 5 this Jeep Cherokee with VA plates got in the middle lane next to me. I was going about 80 mph (which is way over the speed limit of 65 mph) I decided I wanted to be in the middle lane so I sped up to about 90 to go in front of the Jeep when he matched my speed to make sure I couldn't get over. I was confused. So I fell back to about 70 mph to go behind him when he matched my speed again and stopped me. So I was like okay n*gga I'm sick stop playing around. Then he moved over to the far right which gave me the chance to take over the middle lane (**while saying that make the swoop down noise like a hawk snatching a rat** "ah aaah!"). Anyway, next I wanted to take over the right lane because the turnpike was about to split. For those who don't know in NJ the turnpike splits at exit 8A in NJ trucks/trackertrailers are not allowed (by law) to ride on certain highways with cars (ie, turnpike, parkway, etc). So I wanted to go on the truck side because there is always less traffic. This n*gga wouldn't let me do it! He played that driving game with me from exit 5 to exit 13 (once again there are about 10 miles between each exit until you get to exit 11). Even after this n*gga was on the car side of the turnpike and I was on the truck side he still played this game with me and we were physically separated by a median!!

"Yo, I'm from Jersey. I curse... a lot! I say son, yo, and B...a lot! It's also a sub, not a hero or a hoagie! The diner is a natural end to a good night out not the parking lot! The home of Club Music, North Face fanny packs/bags, dreads, and Gores (to name a few). I know how to drive... and tailgate. NYC is 'THE CITY'! I sure as hell don't pump my own gas...Akmad the gas attendant does it for me! I know what real pizza tastes like-& I know that getting a pie means pizza, not apple or cherry. All parties end with a fight! I don't go to the beach-I go down the shore. I judge people by what exit they live off the parkway or turnpike (ghetto, hood, suburban, or white trash). I know 65mph really means 80mph. When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger & expect it. I don't wear red or blue cuz I know being caught in the wrong hood with those colors on WILL GET U SHOT!!!! I'm from JERSEY and I f*ckin love this place!!!"

Inspired by Straight From the Streets

2005-10-05T14:08:00.000-04:00

A blogger friend of mine Talia always does this bi-weekly blog called Straights from the Streets...well inspired by the things I see on my random trips to the hood for work and/or random I decided to write a few.

Saturday around 4:30a...I was walking down 25th in the City with my girls after the club...see Never Again!!!!! I was walking ahead of the pack and drunk dialing (side bar - friends should not dial drunk!!! I mean I called my ex and told him I loved him! Come on someone could have stopped me from doing that!) Anyway, so I'm walking on the phone and I look to my left there is a homeless guy. Normally I don't pay atttention to the homeless but this one was special...how so? Because he had his Johnson out!!!! Yes, his salong was out! I started laughing in his face then after he said what he said I screamed and ran....well what did he say? I qoute, "I'm just a freak trying to swallow my own cum!" WTF!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday around 10:30a...I was driving to work late as hell and I took a short cut through the hood. While near the projects (shouts to Newark, NJ) there was this lady who decides to cross the street in front of my car during a green light. Well, the crazy thing was that she had on (in 80degree weather) a pink suede jacket with pink fur around the trim, white tube socks, flip flops, orange shorts, and a black tank top! WTF!!!!! Why do people walk around like that! And to make it worst this guy screams out where you going and she turned around and said, "Work Bitch!"

Some time ago, my girl L and I were driving down the highway to NY for what I don't remember but it was early in the day. We stop at a light in the hood (why the hell does the hood always have the crazy sights? Anyway, we look to the right and there is a lady about late 30s wearing black and hot pink sneakers, black spandex shorts (remember those?), hot pink mini pleat skirt, black tank top, and hot pink hair bows. That wasn't the crazy thing, the crazy thing was she was standing stuck on stupid. She was staring off in the distance away from the car with her mouth wide the hell open like she was trying to hear something from someone way down the street. She stood there for what seemed liek forever...we looked up and down the street but didn't see anyone. While she was standing there like that she dug up her butt, then scratched the front, then picked her nose. After all of that I almost passed out cause I was laughing so hard at her I didn't think I could take anymore until she seemed to have snapped out of her trace and took off in the opposite direction! All I have to say is that everyone should, Say No to Drugs!!!

Some Things I Wonder About....

2005-10-05T13:53:00.001-04:00

These are just some things I wanted to get off of my chest....

-How come every time you put a weave in your hair the white people in your office want to ask if that is really your hair?
-How come whenever you're brown and your boss is beige (dictionary - white) they feel the need to listen to hip hop when you're riding in their car?
-Why do your co-workers always listen to you when you give directions is it because you are brown and you drive everywhere?
-How come the shows you watch are just so out there that they can't watch them?
-How come whatever you say goes because you're the only brown person in your office...are they really that scared of you?

These are just somethings that bother me....sometimes I want to tell a beige person or two in my office, "Ho sit down!" It is what it is though!

Never Again!!!!!

2005-10-04T14:24:00.000-04:00

So this past Saturday my friend had her birthday party at a club that a famous person owns in NYC. I'm leaving names and places out because I don't think certain things should be revisited. Let's just speak a little about it...so there was us (8 attractive young women) in the back VIP room with just random football, baseball, and other celebrities...mainly male. Long story short we got it popping in the back room but like I said some things don't need to be revisited. A couple of us had our first and a couple of us continued to do what we normally do in the back of the VIP room! I can't talk anymore about it because it may become too incriminating for certain people...let's just say we was dropping it like it was hot with some goose in one hand and the chief in the other!!!!!! But most of all I know that after we all recovered we all decided it probably won't ever happen again!!!

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself....

2005-09-30T11:22:00.003-04:00

About Me....

2005-09-30T10:47:00.000-04:00

I've seen a lot of blogs where people sit and talk about themselves...I've never really found myself so interesting to talk about myself like that. At the same, I've noticed that I may perceived from my lifestyle as someone totally different than I actually am...so with that here are some random facts/thoughts from myself:

1. I can't see myself living pass the age of 35
2. Not that I want to die but it's not something I can envision
3. I'm only 5' tall
4. When I was in 9th grade I wore a size ten shoe now I wear a size 6 1/2, my mom thinks I wore big shoes to fit in
5. When I first got to college my major was journalism, but I'm lazy so I changed my major
6. I love the snow but hate the winter only because I'm anemic
7. I'm suppose to wear glasses but I don't wear them that often so most people think I'm scowling at them but really I'm squinting because I can't see
8. I wanted to go to a HBCU but because all of my educational life I never went to school with other races I had to go to a non-HBCU
9. I went to an all African-American Catholic Elementary School but it was all African-American because it was in the hood
10. I am facinated with jails and the pathology of those who are incarcerated
11. I am the only African-American at my job therefore I am the only spokeperson for my race at work...I loathe that!
12. My parents look like they could be brother and sister, I would believe they were if it weren't for the fact that they are from two different countries
13. I am trilingual
14. My father is an illegal alien
15. I'm still afraid of the dark therefore I sleep with the tv on
16. I can't sleep if the closet door is open...honestly I still believe the boogyman lives in there!
17. I am afraid of divorce therefore I am afraid of marriage thus I am afraid of commitment. (Do you follow?)
18. I have over 20 bestfriends...I have to explain that in person
19. I don't like to kiss
20. I snore
21. Whenever I get sick I don't go to the doctor but if I'm healthy I will go to the doctor
22. I like all types of music except country music...no I like country music I hate bluegrass music 23. My parents were married for 15 years before they even thought of having kids together but for some reason I have three brothers and two sisters who are all older than me
24. My grandmother is my #1 bestfriend
25. When I was in middle school and high school I was treated for severe depression
26. I had an anxiety attack twice at school...one I blacked out and fell in an ant pile needless to say I hate ants
27. I have repressed a lot of my painful memories
28. I was in foster care in high school for about a year
29. My aunt is my legal guardian (or was) and at the time she wouldn't take me in
30. I can remember every address and telephone number I had since I was five
31. I am an idiot savant (according to my educational psychologist) when it comes to mathematics
32. I love cartoons especially adult swim
33. I have bad handwriting
34. When I'm done with my formal education I plan on moving back to the South
35. I have a lazy eye but the crazy thing is that eye has the strongest vision
36. I get ear infections all of the time
37. When I was younger I thought my mom was Phylicia Rashad
38. I taught myself html way before blogger existed
39. I saw my first music video in 10th grade (8 yrs ago)
40. My favorite singer is Janet Jackson but back in the control and pleasure principle days
41. I didn't meet my "twin" brother until I was 15 (they call us twins because we look exactly alike)
42. I have been engaged before
43. I think I have a guardian angel (my pop-pop)
44. I have had visions in the past
45. I use to have dual citizenship
46. Iuse to write books now I just write poetry
47. I want to be famous but I am afraid of my possible greatness therefore I don't try
48. I am more of a loner than people think I am
49. I can drive a stick
50. I hate going to the physical movie theatres
51. I wanted to live in London when I was younger (until I went there)
52. My cousin Jarrod is not really my cousin but my first cousin's first cousin (yeah that was a splaboo statement)
53. I'm insecure about my looks but I've been told that I am pretty
54. It's hard for me to accept compliements without feeling weird
55. All of my family graduated from the same high school in the same town
56. I admire my mom for her strengthen and courage
57. I'm a spoiled brat
58. I went to college right after I turned 17
59. I'm taller than my mom
60. I can recognize most samples that producers use today
61. I talk to myself a lot
62. I am very forgetful and have to write notes to remember everything but I always loose the notes
63. I had braces for 7 years
64. I was very outgoing when I was younger now I'm extremely shy
65. I have been thinking about seeing a counselor for that
66. My hometown is only 3mi by 4 mi big
67. I like thugs why I don't know probably because I'm from a small town
68. I don't want kids
69. I have truly been in love once and I messed it up and I miss him
70. I always look for someone's faults in order to not get close to them ... if I find something that is a character flaw then I can not embrace them therefore I won't get hurt
71. I was rejected once by this one guy in college freshmen year...he knows who he is...I respect him more for that! Even though he ended up talking about me to his friend who later became my roommate.
72. All of my guy friends I consinder my brothers
73. I still talk to my ex, all the time
74. He is probably the only guy I will ever be in love with
75. I laugh at my own jokes
76. Sometimes I laugh at jokes in my head and when I'm driving I look crazy laughing in my car by myself
78. I like old school time at noon on the radio
79. When a I graduate from grad school I will be the first person in my family with an advance degree
80. I like looking at pictures but hate taking them
81. I don't believe there is such a place as South Jersey (sorry anything past exit 9 on the turnpike doesn't exist to me)
82. In college because I was from the North I was different
83. I can be materialistic when it comes to clothes and accessories
84. I get disoriented on the weekends because there is no schedule for me to follow
85. I like to go to the library
86. Sometimes I think everyone is stupid
87. I point out the obvious to make people mad
88. I curse in front of my parents
89. I listen to rap music with my mom even though she is clearly in her early sixties (a lot of guys think she's a milf)
90. My favorite color is purple
91. I can't multiply in my head
92. I still use my fingers and toes to count
93. I have totaled two cars and my parents keep giving me cars
94. I'm a geek I love all types of knowledge
95. I am not an abstract thinker
96. I learned how to read, write, and do simple math when I was three because my mom was frustrated with always answering my kiddie questions so she just taught me so that I could figure it out on my own
97. Only 10 have ever seen me cry (I think)
98. I laugh when I'm really angry, occassionally I start fights
99. I don't understand all of religion
100. I have dated someone from every race

No More Marriage

2005-09-29T12:55:00.000-04:00

This year alone over 10 of my closest 25 friends have gotten or are getting married and I am officially protesting it! I have been a bridesmaid or wedding attendant at least 3 times and I can't take it anymore. I am very happy for each one of them but I just feel like I am loosing my friends. To me friends aren't friends they are family you can call on at any time you may need them. Well, with my friends getting married I feel like I can't call on them anymore because their spouse may not understand... there are some exceptions (friends who are marrying friends) but still I'm loosing my roll dawgs! My drinking buddies, all of the debauchery we use to get in to will no longer be the same it will just be a PG-13 version of life. Who wants that? Not I! So I vow (even though I have said for so long that I'm not getting married) that if I should get married nothing will change except for the fact that I go home to my husband at night...which in fact is nothing new just like when Unbreakable use to stay with me...but I will still hang out with my girls, go out, drink, and carry on like a fool! I think I'm protesting this the most because my childhood (friends since we were 9) friend got married and her husband moved her away which broke up our childhood click...(side bar, have to finish this later because my eyes are too teary)... ok I'm back but I've decided I'm done...plus I have to go fix something one of the pink toes did here at work!

Not My Back-up Plan!!!!!!

2005-09-28T15:14:00.000-04:00

Do you have a back up plan? Like the one dude you would marry if all else fails and you know that this is the person you fall back on if your first choice is taken? Well I do! Or at least I did! What had happened was (side bar, that's how you know it's about to be a negroidian story or like Wendy Williams says a splaboo story) I contacted my back-up plan and come to find out he has a girlfriend! I can't even begin to tell you how upset I was...still am...still will be...and won't let it go, why? Cause that was my back up plan! No, he didn't know but he knows now! So what do I do? I don't know, but he is my back up and I'm not going anywhere so it's either her or me. Right now though it is looking like it ain't neither of us...he arguing with her, I'm whining because he won't spend time with me, and most of all he looks like he is about to bail on all of us. So this is how I found out...I called just to check on him and he was like he couldn't talk at the time...what the hell is he talking about he always talks to me anytime of the day...I was like WTF? Then he hung up the phone..he called back and was like oh my girl was around. "What girl? Who girl?" "My girl." "When did that happen?" "What you mad? It happened after you started chasing that dude that move weight out by you!" I damn near fell off the bed after he said that! F you!~I wanted to say that but didn't but I did say, "But um, who is she? And what she be about?" Long convo cut short, she's not right for him, atleast that's what I think. Not saying that I am perfect for him but if I wasn't in some way god for him then I wouldn't call him my back up plan. I'm so jealous ... I'm a grown woman and I have to admit that...I don't want him to have a girlfriend I want him to wait for me until I'm ready to deploy my back up plan! I know look at me with my selfish a**! Anyway, do you have a back up? Or have you ever thought of having a back up? Maybe you should, let's just say that your first choice doesn't have you in mind for his first choice....don't cry go to the back up that's what he is there for.

RIP My Cell Phone

2005-09-21T09:47:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a very tragic situation...after coming home from doing a ride by on someone's house with my girl Tee I used the bathroom (as normal when you come in the house). Well when I was walking out of the bathroom door I don't know what happened but my phone fell in the toilet as the toilet was flushing. I had to turn around and pull it out (disgusting I know) but now my phone only vibrates...that's it!!! Doesn't turn on, doesn't ring, just vibrates! I have lost a lot of contacts...can we please take a moment for my cell phone...I'll be back in the game by Saturday hopefully! I truly believe that whenever you do something bad it comes back to you in the form of your most prized possession being hurt!

Old Crazy vs. New Crazy

2005-09-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

I was talking to my girl Q the other day while I was at Crazy's house (side bar - who is Crazy? that's the 'Army Guy', yeah he's back). Anyway, so I was there and we were talking and we were thinking about ourselves...here we are girls who are doing stuff with their lives; in grad school, working full time, taking care of life, no kids, no drama yet for some reason no dudes seem to be doing that themselves. There are some who are like that but they are all in relationships themselves. So what do you do? You deal with the craziness now. So let's talk about Crazy, he had an issue but instead of clinging onto the one thing that was consistent in his life he pushed me away...crazy! Q's dude is just really, really, really, really, really crazy...he's so crazy he's borderline mentally retarded. By why leave? We know what we're worth, that's not the problem, the problem is why leave them when we know their craziness, we know what sets them off, what doesn't and we know how to deal with their craziness. So why leave and have to learn a whole new crazy? These are my statistics on the crazy: 50% of men (black men) are locked up, 30% are gay, 5% are in good non-cheating relationships, 10% are in cheating relationships, and the last 10% are crazy! So what are you stuck with? If you can do the math...you're stuck with crazy! I'd rather deal with old crazy because I know him than have learn a whole new crazy. And I think a lot of my homegirls understand that because so many of them are still with their old crazies from college. Sucks but that's my love life!

Back To the Future....

2005-09-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

So the supposed man of my future from my blog "Am I A Geek"...I hung out with him tonight, for a brief moment but it was great. He is so Sincere (yeah that's actually his name or nickname I should say). But on the real he is sincere! He lives in the hood and I'm so suburban (side bar - why do girls like me like these really hood dudes?) and he warned me. He said when you turn down the block don't get scared it looks like something that walked out of the Wire on a bad night. Anyway, we sat on the stoop and talked for a little bit. I asked how his life was growing up, he said it was straight, said his father wasn't around too much because he was incarcerated but he doesn't resent him for it. That was real for him to say that...he was just real sincere, and cute, and smart... Well, what's the point? The point is that there has to be something wrong with him! There just has to be...there are no more normal black men, none! They are all bi, married, have 10 kids, some type of disease, or no job! Something has to be wrong! I asked, he said nothing he said he was normal, then we parted...funny how when you really want to know something the subject always changes or the night ends. My night ended with me wondering, what the f*ck is wrong with him?

This Isn't Life!

2005-09-10T20:31:00.000-04:00

Have you seen or heard that jail commercial? It's about how your family does time with you when you do your time. There is like an older brother and a younger brother and they are talking about how they both do the time. Well, that commercial is true! Random Fact #483 - I have more family members in jail than anyone else I know... There's my Uncle Killa - Murder, serving 30yrs min. has 18yrs left, Cousin Killa - Attempted Murder.Conspiracy.Murder for Hire, serving 40yrs has to do 85% which is 34yrs has 1yr and some months down so has 32yrs left, Cousin Caught-Up - Acessory to Armed Robbery, serving 4yrs & 9mos. has 15mos. left, and for space purposes we'll skip the other six and go to Cousin Stupid - Conspiracy.Armed Robbery, serving 8 yrs has 7yrs and some mos. left.... What's the point the point is everyday I'm writing a letter to keep their spirits up, to make sure they aren't loosing their minds, to make sure they are ok! To me...that commercial is true, when someone in your family does time...you do that time with them too! No you aren't in jail but missing that part of family when it comes time to have family settings (holidays, bbqs, dinners) you miss that part of your family! That's all! Like Jeezy says, "don't shed a tear nigga, shed a thought!" Everyday I shed a thought!

I Got That Work!?!

2005-09-10T20:10:00.000-04:00

One more visit to my ATL times this past weekend. Yeah, you read the title right, I got that work! Or at least the crackheads in ATL thought me and this dude did. This is what had happened, it was after the VIP situation and it was outside of the club by my girl Sol's car. She was outside of the car talking to some people, while me and one of her homeboys were leaning against her car talking. Eventually, I opened the car door and sat down while he sat on the steps of the building that was next to the car. We were chilling talking about randomness when this white dude (Side Bar - why are 50% of crackheads white dudes? where are the latino crackheads at? how come crackheads are only black or white?) walked by and said to homeboy, "you got that work?" Homeboy was like, "naw dude keep walking." But for some reason it seemed like he had let off a silent crack alarm like the ones in the bank that the teller presses when they are getting robbed. Because for some reason, after that at least, at least six other crackheads walked by and asked dude the same question. At that point it was time to go! We left after the sixth crackhead, but on the real, is a black or white tee the uniform for dope boys? Just wondering....

Am I A Geek?

2005-09-09T09:46:00.000-04:00

This is going to be really short but am I a geek? This fine a** guy called me last night and I couldn't even hold a conversation with him because I was too focused on the topic of my term paper for my grad class I'm taking...He was asking about me and my day and every other sentence I said, "hunh?" Finally, karma helped me out by my phone loosing reception...thanks karma! I was sounding dumb, but am I a geek because I wasn't really interested in the dude on the phone? Am I geek because I refused to call him back but I texted him and told him I'll talk to him today and that I had to go last night? Am I a geek because I could have potentially messed something up with my future husband and/or etc? Naw....just focused on that paper! Because with that masters...

"Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis

When I was dead broke, man I couldn't picture this

50 inch screen, money green leather sofa

Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur

Phone bill about two G's flat

No need to worry, my accountant handles that

And my whole crew is loungin'

Celebratin' every day, no more public housin'

Thinkin' back on my one-room shack

Now my mom pimps a Ac' with minks on her back

And she loves to show me off, of course

Smiles every time my face is up in The Source

We used to fuss when the landlord dissed us

No heat, wonder why Christmas missed us

Birthdays was the worst days

Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay

Uh, damn right I like the life I live

'Cause I went from negative to positive And it's all... "

Do You Deserve to be in VIP?

2005-09-08T12:31:00.000-04:00

I never considered myself a connoisseur of the VIP status but I don't really party outside of the VIP section too much unless it's my party then I want everyone to see me but if I'm at another person's random party I want to be in the VIP. Well, one of my brothers is in the music industry. While in the ATL he was in the back of the VIP while I was in the club so I went to holla at him. I ended up staying back there the entire night with him talking and laughing at people. Let me fix this now, we were laughing at the other people in the VIP section with us, or atleast I was while he was telling me I was bad.... Anyway, next to us were a group of girls that were there - physical description - about six or seven of them and kind of on the heavy side...No! No! Not the thick side cause I'm on the thick side I mean the heavie side, and yes I spelled that right! Anyway, my brother had his R & B group in the VIP too...well it was towards the end of the night and there was way too much liquor left in our section so one of the dudes from the group goes over to the chuckie monkies and asked them if they wanted some of the liq. Now for those interested there was approx. one bottle each of the following: moet, don, grey goose, Hennessey, and some other stuff I've never seen before. Anyway, this is how I know I should have asked them this question: Do You Deserve to be in VIP? Well the dude goes over there with the don bottle and says, "Do you ladies want some of this because we can't finish it all?" The ring leader of the chunkie monkies said, "Yeah!" Then she proceeded to snatch the bottle from him and said, "Dis ain't even a black label! What the hell is this?" The rest of her friends started laughing and it looked like they crushed him... Well anyway, when he brought the bottle back I looked at the name and the vintage (circa 1983 - my yob) and I figured it was pretty good but damn it makes you wonder do bouncers need to start asking people before they go to VIP, "Do You Deserve to be in VIP?"

Randomness in ATL

2005-09-07T13:03:00.000-04:00

I've never understood why dudes who clearly know they are not on your level holla at you with the lamest line ever! So this weekend I jetsetted to ATL to hang out with my girl Sol and for the life of me still can't understand dude from the elevator. So check it out Saturday night we decide let's go to the club we get in the elevator and there are two dudes in there already. They looked old enough to be our older brothers or really young a** fathers so we made no eye contact. Dude looks at my tatoos and goes "oh I see you got some ink on your shoulder" and I stated, "yeah!" He then proceeds to instult me and say, "and a chip as well." I said, "no beef just real talk I do." Then dude said the weirdest thing, he said, "Where are you from?" but before I could answer he next statement left me speechless, "You from that NO". Dictionary - NO - noun, place, New Orleans. All I could really do was look at him and in a faint voice I said "no, NY". But honestly let's think about it...if I was an evacuee from NO would I really be going to the club when my house and car could possibly be floating away now? Sorry but that's real talk, would I?

Would You Give Up Your Religion for Me?

2005-09-01T12:08:00.000-04:00

That's what I was asked the other day....Yes! Would I give up my religion to marry someone, not just anyone but this one particular person. Wait.....If you are really sensitive about the question of religion STOP READING RIGHT NOW AND GET BACK AT ME AFTER THE WEEKEND WHEN I HAVE A NEW POST UP!!!! That's when I had to call my girl LL, because she's a PK (dictionary - PK, noun, Pastor's Kid). We had a very long and philosophical conversation. I concluded that I wasn't sure if I could, both the Qu'ran and the Bible say that you should be of the same faith, "not to be of two yokes"...But questioning religion and don't get angry over this, but who is to say that any one religion is the right religion. What if there is only one religion and we all choose something else, meaning if the whole world practices the same religions they do now but there is another one that we have never known about and that is the right one and we are all damned to hell for not following it? Who is to say that any religion is the true religion and who is to say that we should even be religious? What if there is really no Heaven, Paradise, or etc? What if you just die and you're just dead? What if?

Would you give up your religion to marry me? I would have to solidly find a religion that I don't question in some way before I can say that I would give up my religion for you!!! There I answered it!!!

Keisha is Calling vs. My Sleep

2005-08-28T17:10:00.000-04:00

I hate talking phones.... Sounds stupid right, no for real, for real I do...You know those phones that you can program to say stuff when someone calls so the phone rings but it doesn't. The actual ring sounds like this, "_______ is calling," where the phone is talking to you. Anyway, so my bad boy decides him and his boys are going to go to the strip club last night, which I don't care about cause I'll go to the strip club too, yes the one with female strippers...sh*t where do you think all of the single, straight men are? Anyway, so it's like 1am and I guess he was drunk enough and had seen enough ass that he wanted to go home...so he calls me cause he can't drive himself and his boys home. Of course, I go get him and his boys they are so drunk. He wasn't that drunk but his boys were loose! They were screaming out the windows at girls, laughing and sh*t just funny with it. I take them all back to his place where they start drinking again, I left them in the living room and went to sleep. I don't know what time it was that he got in the bed but about an hour and a half later his phone starts ringing. That didn't bother me because we aren't dating exclusively, we're just kicking it. Anyway, this is when the wrestling match of Keisha is Calling vs. My Sleep happened! Round 1 - Both fighters are in their corners their coaches are talking to them and they are ready to do what they have to do and the bell goes off! Keisha comes out swinging calling around 2:30am and lets the phone ring back to back three times in a row. And Cherry's Kid wakes up, grumpy from the volume of the phone screaming "Keisha's Calling" several times in a row...Cherry's Kid tries to roll away from the punches of volume but they keep pushing her back. Round 2 - Keisha calls again 5 minutes later letting the phone ring and calling 6 times in a row this time back to back...Cherry's Kid tries to wake up the main judge (my bad boy) who is off in LaLa Land! The judge who doesn't seem to hear anything just rolls over facing the wall. Cherry's Kid is taking the beating of her life right now, but all she can think of is that damn Keisha must really be fiending! Round 3 - Keisha calls back again this time letting the phone ring 5 times in a row and that is it! Cherry's Kid is on her feet now, she shakes the sh*t out of the main judge to let him know that Keisha was now fighting dirty and she wasn't going to take it anymore! The main judge realizes that his fighters are no longer following regulations and things may backfire if he doesn't intervene now! Finally, the fight is over, Keisha stopped calling and Cherry's Kid can go back to sleep! F*ck, I was always told if it's 3am and you're not at the house with him almost every night then you're not the main chick. Most of the time, I'm at the house so I know or at least I assume I am the main chick she is just the sub. Anyway, this prize fighter has to go clean her sneakers and pick out her clothes for the post match press conference tomorrow bka work!!!

WHAT THE F*CK! AND ALL OTHER OBSCENITIES!!!!

2005-08-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

I had to call my girl Q today and ask her if I was crazy! No I am crazy but I had to ask if I was really, really, really crazy...This is what had happened (you know it's a n*gga story when it starts off with that!) About a month ago (maybe like 2 weeks, I like to repress bad memories) a guy I had been dealing with for almost 6 months decided he wanted to just let me go! I was cool with that but I was hurt! I know you're thinking yeah right because for some reason my life looks like all a girl knows is money, cars, and guys; but that's not true. I was just with him and only him, 'the army guy' my friends referred to him as. Everything was straight, hanging out with him and his boys, dinner/breakfast with his parents, trips out of town, concerts, dinner, any and everything you can think of...plus his face time was serious. Side Bar, Dictionary - Face Time, verb, to partake in oral pleasure of a woman. Anyway, long story short I was his girlfriend and he was the first guy I thought of more than I thought of Unbreakable! Scary! But out of the blue this dude just started spazzing one day and was like "I don't want to do this anymore!" I was like what? I was confused, what do you mean you don't want to do this anymore. He was like he was just done he didn't want to do it anymore...Of course I cussed him out and then I left it alone...from there I was like f*ck it, no more of this I'm pink and soft because of a man. Side Bar, Dictionary - Pink & Soft, noun, to be girlie and do things for a guy out of the kindness of your heart. I'm taking it back to freshman year of college to high school mentality ... Treat all men like the hos they are! Yeah, 2000 mentality is back! I don't have time for this sh*t! Well the bullsh*t gets worst. So like today I was chilling with the parents farting around watching TV, cracking jokes, and drinking way before noon! I didn't hear my cell phone ring, when I got to my apartment and looked at it there was a missed call from 'the army guy', so I did the natural thing a girl would do I waited mad long before I called him back. When I did this n*gga was apologizing saying his parents were about to break up and he just wanted some time alone to deal with it so he decided to tell me that I wasn't sh*t and I wasn't right for him in order for him to get rid of me so that he can deal with that problem and now that everything was over he wanted to apologize for the way he did that and wanted to be my friend! WTF - What The F*CK! I know, I said that too...But you know what I did the typical thing, I blacked on him (cussed him out) and then hung up. But I thought about it and called back like 2 hours later and let him know that he really hurt me and that I can't be his friend, because it won't work how do I know he won't be disloyal again. I did tell him I was sorry about his family situation and I hope everything is straight now but I can't be his friend because if he was my friend first he would have realized that the way he ended it was unfair and hurtful. Side Bar, why when dudes can't deal with things they just cut everyone off? If you're going to do that just let a girl know that you need some time to yourself and you'll get back at her when everything is straight and you'll explain the rest later. A REAL WOMAN can take that explanation more than, I'm done with you just because! Anyway, long story short...like Mariah says, I got to shake it off! Right now I'm back on the grind, no more Pink & Soft Cherry's Kid! The Kid Is Back! And in the words of 36 Mafia, I gotta stay Fly, i, i, i, i, i, i, i, i...Till I die, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie!!!!!!!

Why do good girls like bad guys?

2005-08-23T00:34:00.000-04:00

Why do good girls like bad guys? That is the one question I have been dealing with my whole life, I don't want you unless you got 2 kids, 3 babymommas, 6 tattoos, 1 gun shot wound, and are at least awaiting on a trial...And that's the gist of it! If your life is not more exciting than mine then I don't want you, I don't want any part of you...I'll even take a celebrity or some type of famous person...I've had my share of actors, pro-team players, rappers, and other sorts. NOW DON'T GET IT TWISTED I AM NOT SUPERHEAD!!! Meaning, I am not that alleged (must say alleged for legal purposes) video vixen who has alleged (once again for legal purposes) to have been with a lot of people....when I say my share keep in mind the average girl doesn't get these chances, so I mean like one of each, so I've dated one type, four in total!!! Anyway, why? I am essentially a good girl, I don't do drugs, go to work, never late, never call out, go to school, pay for everything out of pocket, don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal so why do I want someone who does everything backwards than I do? Because my life is boring...not really but it is... Okay so think about it...Although I got out with my homies, pop bottles (thanks JC) and sh*t...cut long club lines, wear the hottest sh*t, get flown around the world by pro-athletes doesn't mean that my life is completely boring it just means I don't see everything they see and I want to see and know it all! Period, and that is why my life is boring... The last guy I dated for real moved heavy weight...he is something serious he has a whole county on lock...that n*gga is a REAL TRAP STAR...and all of the clothes, shoes, and & etc that I got to partake in during that time was great...I'm bored now...because I'm not being spoiled by the money....That's why good girls like bad guys...because bad guys give good girls the things they are too afraid to ask a good guy for! Something new everyday, nothing is ever predictable! But can a good girl marry a bad guy? Maybe, I'm not sure...I'll have to find the answer to that...but I already know a woman can't change a man! And therefore, good girls will always want bad guys! Ps. I cooked dinner for my bad guy tonight...went great...watched the game on tv, ate & drank then I went home after we rode around in the new Infiniti G35 my mom brought!!! It was good and that's my bad guy...not really he just has a kid! Goodnight!

Understanding Sex....

2005-08-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

So I decided to start this blog because sometimes I feel like my thoughts will just drive me crazy so in order to get them out let me! I don't understand sex, never have never will. Here is where it gets confusing, so you break up with someone and then they come back into your life, after they come back into your life they want to have sex again! And I mean immediately as if you taking me on that make-up date is suppose to grant you the right to sex with me? That happened this Friday and I fell victim to it but I my thoughts have brought me to this confusing situation only because on Saturday night the plot thickens. Confusing right? I know! What's even more confusing is when you are really feeling someone and they want to have sex with you but you're just not ready, so this is what had happened. I had as chance to hang out with a guy I have always adored. He was my special friend in college, I felt like I had some type of special connection with him, sometimes things would happen and he would just look at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. We would sit in his dorm room and talk about the future (rarely about the past) and just map things out about how we wanted our lives to run and he was intelligent. Still is, and that's one of the most sexiest things about him, he's so intelligent. And the man's morals are crazy, what is the most sexiest thing about him is that his will power to make the things he wants in life come true is so strong, he is driven! From that I wanted to be his girlfriend the bad part was that he was just getting out of a relationship and so I respected that I did tell him my feelings but I respected it. After a while, I got tired of just being around for him (very selfish of me I know) but at the time I was really only 19 going on 20....Long story short he's in the Tri-state area now and I have the chance, I do but I'm afraid to take it. Not because I'm afraid of the situation but I'm afraid that I will fall in love and he won't be there whole-heartedly and once again I will make a selfish move to stop speaking to him to make him realize that he needs me, it will back fire and I'll be thinking of the things I messed up. Is that stupid? It sounds stupid as hell now that I have written it out. The most intraspective part of it all is that I value his friendship way more than anything else and I really think I don't want to f*ck that up! But the devil in me reminds me that the sex is great!!! smile! Understanding sex is a b*tch!